Tuesday, July 13, 2010

sliding backward

My summer has been very busy. I have not had time to slip into anything other than bed at night. Keeping busy is a very good thing for my mental health.

My daughter has been struggling lately. The difficulty with transitions has been resurfacing. She has been having times of great rigidity in her thinking. She has began to count again. I call them "break through behaviors". These are behaviors that we once struggled greatly with and had seen leave with the addition of medication, but have sneaked back into her everyday reactions. Her separation anxiety has also amped up quite a bit. I called the psychiatrist before we left for vacation and he wanted to keep everything the same. At that point I was just seeing a greater likelihood for fits, but it has grown.

So I called the p-doc today and he wanted us to come in right away. I love this man. This is a man who you have to wait 3+ months for a new appointment and he sees my daughter the same day if she is having issues. He is kind and thoughtful. He is genuinely concerned about his patients and does such a good job with kids. We are very blessed.

He has increased her zoloft to 100 mg. We shall see if this helps. I have great hope that it will.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010


I came to a realization this morning. This will either make total sense to you, my dear readers, or it will cement in your brain that I am crazy! I tried to explain this to my husband this afternoon, but he really couldn't wrap his head around it. I am learning more and more that my way of thinking effects my reactions to things, and expecting others to get it results in frustration on both ends because people simply don't think like me.

Here's the set up. My husband visited the doctor about 4 weeks weeks ago for the normal yearly checkup. He has to return in 2 months due to so medication monitoring. The doctor wants him to have some blood work done, anytime before the next appointment. It is fasting blood work.

In my head, I have added this to he mental checklist of things waiting to be done. I always feel like I have to categorize and catalog each thing that is waiting to be accomplished for everyone in the family. I see them as actual lists in my head. I am fine when the lists are manageable. Once they get longer and longer I start getting antsy. I also get antsy the longer items are on the list.
For the most part these lists are manageable for me.

I have been nagging my husband to get the blood work done as we are into the second month. Last Sunday he said he would get up and go Monday morning since my son also needed blood work. This way he could do both at the same time. Monday came and went and he forgot. I forgot until later in the day when he had already eaten. Last night I mentioned it again. He agreed that he should get it done and he would get up early this morning. This morning the alarm went off and he said he would rather go another time becasue he didn't get a good night's sleep and truthfully there is no rush.

Here's where I should've said OK. Because truthfully, who cares when he goes as long as he goes before the next appointment in 4 weeks. I can tell myself it really doesn't matter. My initial resonse is always amicable and I say, "Okay, whatever."

Within about 2 minutes that all changes. I tell him he really should just go. Then he gets irritated. I say that it is his choice. He then chooses not to go and do it later (becasue I gave him the choice). I cannot let it go and start talking about him following through and keeping his word. Blah Blah Blah.

The sane person in me tells me this is gonna cause an issue and I should just let it go, but the OCD gets ahold of me and I CANNOT do it. Today I tried to assess the situation differently and see if I could explain it to him (and myself) in a non-confrontational way that makes sense. It took me most of the day, and I let it go which is progress!

I just spoke to him on the phone and here's what I saw inside myself when I really took a look at what was happening. This running list in my head takes a lot of energy to maintain. It is like a television show that is always on in the background. I can somewhat ignore it but I have to keep it somewhat in the forefront so I don't forget what is on it for fear the job will get forgotten. (whoa, that is hard to explain) When he tells me he is going to get something done that is on the list, I get excited to be able to cross something off, but I can't cross it off until it is totally completed, so it has this anticipation factor now attached to it. When he "cancels" the completion it is a let down because I can no longer cross off that project/job.

That is when I get irritated. The frustration probably comes across more intense than what is called for since I have this built up anticipation. My head says it is not a big deal, but about 30 seconds later the OCD kicks in and I loose my shit because I cannot finish the crossing off process, it goes back on the list and the brain has to reengage that project.

Make sense? It is crystal clear to me! LOL I tried to explain it this way. I asked him if it made sense. He laughed and said, "No!" so I start to re-explain. He said, he understood what I was saying, but cannot wrap his mind around the reaction. I get that. I just want him to understand that the frustration truly isn't with him, it is with the inability for me to control my irritation. (there I am talking in circles again) I don't know how to change the reaction, but he said he understood why I need him to follow through with what he says he is going to do even if it doesn't make sense why. Progress!! One step for me, one step for him and meeting in the middle is a good thing.

Did any of that make sense?

Monday, May 17, 2010

a new week

I am doing much better. The weather has improved and the kids are able to get outside more often and I am simply happier. The mom and I are doing well. She is so much like me and yet we are such different in our ways of handling situations. You can always tell when she is sorry about something. She rarely says so, but she tends to be kinder than usual for a time. If she snaps at me, she kisses my butt for an hour or so after. I don't know if she even realizes it, but that's how she handles it. She really is a wonderful woman. We simply process things so differently and it tends to muck things up. I suppose being aware of it is the first step in making sure it doesn't get me down.

The kids are doing well. My daughter is adjusting well to her meds. She is still remaining calm in situations that used to make her loose her cool. She is much more compliant and just plain enjoyable. It is nice to know that others are seeing the child that I always knew was hiding in there somewhere! I am still kind of concerned about her attachment to me. She is VERY strongly attached and must be near me or with me to feel comfortable. She is not shy, just wants to be near me. I do think this is improving as yesterday she had an opportunity to go on errands with me and she chose to stay home. She really wasn't absorbed in anything at the time so that is progress!

The younger son is doing well. He has some anger issues mostly directed at my special needs son. He is simply so freaking SMART and I think he gets irritated with people who don't "get it". We are really working on tolerance for him.

The special need son is doing well. He is really getting along well at school and home is improving steadily. His Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is kicking into high gear with the Spring weather and he is driving me bonkers about being outside every waking moment. Unfortunately he cannot be outside unsupervised and this causes a ruckus. The constant chatter he exhibits makes me want to pull my ears off and pout them in my pockets, but all in all we are having a good period!

Yay us.

Friday, April 30, 2010


I think I have figured something out. You see, I work closely with my mom. She is my boss. We have a good relationship, but it was not always so. She is OCD and it wasn't until I was diagnosed that she even realized she was too. She says she is "too old for medication". I laugh at that. She thinks she is too old to change her ways now. Secretly I think she likes her ways, and the thought of changing them gives her the creeps. I see now that our difficulties when I was growing up was due to the OCD combination between us.

Don't get me wrong, we didn't have that bad of a relationship as a youth. We just butted heads . . . a lot. I see things as a whole, so toothpaste in the sink and a few hairs in the sink don't bother me. I worry about the toilet lid down, the shower curtain closed and the light off. I see it as a whole as I am walking out. She frets over the tiny stuff. It CANNOT be left alone. It MUST be done. This kind of stuff drove her nuts when I lived at home.

Our working relationship has always been strained. She is the head honcho. I am basically her assistant. She frets that other will think she is favoring me so she overcompensates the other way. I get the brunt of all her frustration. I don't get any tact. She treats me like a daughter and not an employee. I suppose that is par for the course. I have accepted that and moved on. We do well together. Work gets done and things run very smoothly. I make up for the fact that she is a crock-pot and has to mull things over since I am definitely more of a microwave!

The change from a mother-daughter relationship to a friendship came with the birth of my children. I saw a whole other side of her and I think she gained more respect for me as well. I tease her that if she irritates me I will keep the grandbabies from her!

For the most part this works for us. It is the darker times that I have issues with her and she with me. This week is extremely stressful at work. She is overworked and relies on me heavily this week. Today she did something that I saw in a different light.

I was working on a project that had nothing to do with this week, but needed to be done. She called from her office and asked what I was doing. I answered. She said, "Do you have to do that now." I answered affirmatively and told her that a particular person needed it. She made a noise. It was a noise I recognized as not only curiosity but one of unbelievability. My hackles instantly raised. I knew what was coming. She questioned me again. I asked her if there was a problem. She said she wasn't sure if I was doing something necessary or not. This is typical as she thinks I sit around with my finger up my nose and thinks everyone assumes I get paid because I am her daughter and I do nothing.

Honestly it pissed me off. It nearly sent me over to the other side of the fence. I am a grown woman, with children. I have worked here for 2 decades and do a fine damn job. My reviews are always top notch and I am efficient and productive. Here she was questioning what I was doing as if I was a four year old hiding and eating cookies before dinner.

I began to see how my mom's issues and my issues combine and send me reeling. I began to think about adopted siblings and how their issues can trigger the others. I cannot help but wonder if this last episode was brought on not only by this week, but her and I's issues I knew would be coming, as well as the full moon. Yikes. The trifecta of ickiness!

Do you think I am sorting through these things differently since I am putting them on paper so to speak? If so this is wonderful therapy!


Today I am feeling spunky. Thank God for spunky.

I am feeling more like myself. I know that I am teetering on the edge and I could find myself on the wrong side of the fence at any time, but for now, I feel good.

The weekend holds promise. I have yard work and some maintenance to do on the house. I love that work so because I can look back and see what has been done. I like to see things completed. I think it stirs my OCD and helps me check one more things off in my mind. I like to feel my muscles ache and feel the sun on my face as I do something beneficial for my family. It makes me feel needed.

My husband has been very kind these last few days. I am not sure if he reads here, I know that he knows it exists. Like most women I tend to share everything with him, and like most men he probably realized this dark period was coming long before I did. He is kindhearted and going through his own difficult time as he tries to break a cycle of insomnia. He has been understanding of my tones and harsh answers and really made an effort not to respond negatively.

My youngest son on the other hand is not happy with me. I didn't realize how much these times effect him until today. I know I am more "snappy" than usual, but I think these times make me more affectionate too as I try to hold my kids longer and show them more love. They make me feel better. The snappiness has hurt him this time as he is growing older and becoming more aware of situations around him. He said, "I wish I could've gone to school without seeing you this morning".

Wow. I asked him why and he said, "You are grouchy to us when you are in a hurry and I don't like it." I sat down to his eye level and took his hands in mine. I apologized. I told him adults make mistakes just like kids and I am not perfect. I told him that I was grouchy, but that was no excuse to make him feel badly. He said, "That's okay mommy, thanks for saying sorry" and hugged me.

It caused me to check my frustration. It caused me to take a look at how I was effecting others. It caused me to take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and smile at the new day.

So that's where I am. Making the most of each second, keeping my dear boy's words in my head. Right now I am on the right side of the fence.

Thank God for kids and their honesty.

P.S. Joe, thanks for the kind comment! Please share your blog when it is up and running. It is so nice to hear over and over that my feelings are not isolated! Thank you for your strength! (I read your wife's blog too!)

Thursday, April 29, 2010


I feel like I am whining. However, yesterday I received a comment from Kari that thanked me for helping her understand what it is like living with mental illness. So, perhaps my goal of not only helping myself vent but also touching others who may feel the same or know those who do, is working. So I shall continue.

Last night at home was pretty uneventful. The previous evening I had argued with my spouse and I had done so in front of the kids, which I hate. We don't yell and scream, but it was obvious we were not happy. My husband and I have come a long way. I like to yell, curse and I throw things. I love to throw things! I like to see them break. I no longer do those things, partially due to medication, but mostly because of the children. Sometimes I think it has to do with age and a resignation of sorts that I don't have all the answers, and the less we argue, the less I have to feel badly about. I takes more energy to rehash things than to just stuff them inside and deal with them once the emotions have taken a back seat. And it usually much more efficient too.

Today the tears have come. I have cried three times at work today. I hate being wrong, and worse yet, I hate being right and being told I am wrong. The feelings of inadequacy and being a failure rear their ugly heads. I don't like to make waves during these times. My natural personality is one of deep determination. I am quick to make decisions and quick to find an efficient way to get things done. I am an organizer, I like seeing things fall into place. Once I get my mind set on something there is nothing that will stop me. I can be brutally harsh and have dogged determination when I know there is an injustice that needs righted. I can be a real bitch and it tends to get things done! When I am in the place I am currently, I have none of that.

I fall back into a meek childlike state. I worry that everyone is against me. I hate being corrected and feel like an utter failure that someone had to take time out to fix something I have done. I apologize to everyone. I feel like everyone is scouring each and every thing that I do. I then get irritated with my self which helps to compound the failure feelings. I can see as I type this how it feels like a never ending spiral and why.

That is where the crying begins. I tear up over everything. I get corrected, I tear up. Someone asks a simple question and I assume they are criticizing and I tear up. I think about all the rotten things I am going through and I tear up. I get pissed at myself because I KNOW this is not my typical personality and it causes me to tear up. The pity feelings start and it is all over.

I think this is where the suicidal thoughts come in. After days of this thinking and crying over every. little. thing I get so defeated and just plain tired of feeling like this. This does not happen every time. Sometimes I can pull myself out of this way of thinking. Sometimes a kind word from a coworker or a compliment by someone who is completely unaware of the situation will pull me right out. Sometimes it is my children and their love for me that does it. Sometimes it lasts a little longer and I fall into despair that takes a long while to crawl out of.

This time I will not let it go there. This time I am trying to think through my feelings. I am trying to take a look at my motives and my failings. This time I will win. This time I will get myself back faster and better than before.

This blog will help.

Thanks for listening.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Perhaps I spoke too soon. Yesterday was not a good day. I get in these places where I feel that everyone is at war with me. I feel as though I am under attack, that each and very gaze from someone is pointed and harsh. I know deep down it is my own issue, but how to combat this eludes me.

I am tired. I am not sleeping well and I should've known something was coming. I am wondering if the full moon has anything to do with this downward spiral I seem to be in, or if it is just coincidence.

It is during these times that I take everything to heart. Any kind of comment is dissected and sorted and made to be something it is not. I feel inadequate and therefore become defensive. If someone comments that I should be careful, I am taken aback that they do not trust me. If someone offers common sense advice I feel as though they think I am too stupid to understand it without their prodding. If someone walks by me without speaking, I feel as though they are being rude and I have done something wrong.

My mood and the way I see things alters my conversations. I get a sharp point about my voice. I answer quick and harsh. I tend to avoid eye contact. My smiles are forced and closed-lipped. I seen irritated and frustrated. People ask me if I am feeling well. They say I look tired.

It is during these times that I feel like I am a failure. I feel like I am unable to make those around me happy when it is truly myself that I am unable to make happy. I am weepy and feel flush. I hate my reflection. I feel frumpy and flustered.

It is days like today that I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to shut down my "real" blog and never write again. I want to drown my sorrows in Tequila and peanut butter cookies. It is times such as this when I want to scream at my husband to just leave me and never come back. I feel unlovable and woefully inadequate. I feel like there is too much to da and not enough hours in the day.

Writing this has made my hands shake and my brow hot. My vision is swirly and I feel dizzy. My heart hurts in my tight chest. My breathing is a little choppy. I can see all this for what it is. I can understand it is not good. I can see where I want to be. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. Not right now. It is times like this that I pop an extra med at night, whether it helps or not, it makes me think it does.

I will be okay. I have been here many times before. It is interesting to me that I am realizing it for what it is much sooner than I have before. I am able to process it and think through it far easier since it is still in it's infancy. Maybe I can reason my way out of it before I hit bottom and bounce back to the top.

I'll keep you posted.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


I am back. I am not sure if I have any readers left, but here I am. I suppose it is a good thing that I have not blogged, since the fact that I have not felt the need to do so means that I have been in a really good place. The sun is shining and I have been spending time outside with the kids. Sunshine is an amazing medication.

The daughter update. She is doing very well. We have increased the Risperdal and changed the Zoloft to bedtime. We were finding that she was falling asleep in the afternoons. Her behavior in the afternoon's at school was still not very good, and I think she was simply tired. I take my Zoloft at night because it tires me as well. I have seen very few fits at home, and she is much more pleasant in general.

Spring Break was a real trial of the medication. The thought of being with her 24 hours a day for 11 days straight was a stressor for me. I was concerned that we would have fits and drama. She was AWESOME! She was kind, patient, loving and cooperative. She was so much fun that I felt bad for worrying about it. We vacationed with my parents and she stayed with them in their place nightly. She was a complete joy to be around. It was a huge success!

What I love most is that she is proud of herself. Her self esteem is growing and I love that she is happy. I see so much of myself in her six year old mind that I am pleased she is getting some peace.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


My daughter is doing fabulously on her meds. She is patient and kind. The meds are doing a good job of keeping the rage and fits at bay. In fact, I am not sure that she has even argued with us in the time she has been taking them. The best part is that is really isn't altering her personality either. She is still the funny, witty, snarky kid she always has been, just calmer and definitely more pleasant. The school days have been wonderful. She has stayed on green on her behavior chart the last 4 days. Here's to crossing our fingers that it keeps working.

The only thing I can really complain about is her sleeping schedule changing. She tends to fall asleep by 7:00 nightly which is great, but she wakes up by 5:00 am most mornings. But a pleasant child is way better to deal with a 5:00 than a grouchy one at 8:00. So a plus in my book!

Monday, March 8, 2010


The psychiatrist was awesome with my daughter. I had never seen him with smaller children and he was a much softer, kinder man. He listened carefully to what I said and asked some thought provoking questions. He spent a very long time with us.

He is concerned about the OCD. He definitely agrees that she has quite extensive OCD and maybe even some attention issues. He is not ready to address the attention issues right away which I am totally okay with. He is however concerned about her mood swings and her tendency to rage (I think fit is more appropriate because I don't see them based in anger). He put her back on the Zoloft and added Risperdal. I freaked out about the Risperdal. It actually took my breathe away. I breathed and quietly asked the dosage. Knowing me as he does, he looked at me and said, "Now Sojo, I am not going to overmedicate a little girl. You must trust me." And with his wonderful accent and his warm eyes I knew I could trust this man with my daughter.

He did tell me that this will be a difficult case and may not find a quick and easy fix. I knew that. I just pray that the school hangs out with us. I have not been called since starting the new medications, but she has apparently not been stellar. (See there's that defeatist thinking of mine, I cannot just be happy that I have not been called and consider it progress and be happy, I have to have it all settled and perfection. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it right?) The case manager at the school was a little snippy with me today on the phone, but I think that may just be my own issues playing into her abrupt nature. She did say she was speaking with the school psychologist about what they can do to structure her day better so I suppose that is a good start. ( Here again is where I freak out that they will be discussing her and what to do and I cannot be there. Instead of looking at it like a positive thing that they are brainstorming I have to mourn the fact that it even needs to be happening. This is how my mind works folks. It's like a constant battle with myself)

At home. We have seen massive progress. She has had little fits, that she recovers quickly from. She is handling dissappointment well. Bedtimes are a breeze with the addition of Melatonin. She knows the medications are helping her "do the right thing" and she is pleased she is doing well. We spent most of the night Friday and part of Saturday shopping with my mother and she was awesome! If we could get school under our finger we would be all set! (once again, can't accept one positive without thinking of a negative)

So, why am I feeling the way I am tonight? I feel trapped. My stomach is tense for no apparent reason. I feel stressed. I have been so productive for the last few weeks and now I feel like a blob. I have no motivation. I feel like I am freaking out about something but I can't remember what it is. Strange. Maybe I am just dealing with a culmination of all this stress. I am tired but I don't want to go to bed. It is almost as though I am looking for something to ruminate over. It is like I am looking for closure or something. I am paging through things in my head thinking about if they warrant worry or not. I pray this passes. I really don't want to spend my week like this.

Come on spring. I need to see your cheery face.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I am scared. I have not posted much about lately, the business of life you know. But, recall when my daughter was diagnosed with OCD and I was very happy that the medication seemed to be working? Well, it was not. I take that back. It was amazing at home. She was calm and pleasant and peaceful. School was another story. She carried on like a banshee. It was as though a witch flipped and all the negative behaviors that we used to see at home changed to school.

The teacher was convinced it was the medication. I was afraid that we began a new pattern of behavior. She was running around the room, throwing herself on the floor, refusing to do what was asked of her, hiding, screaming, telling adults "No!", you know, acting like a maniac. I was actually called several times and had to even go get her once.

Initially the pediatrician agree to cut the dosage in half. No change. We then started giving the pill at night when I take mine. No change. I gave up and took her off it about 3 weeks ago. Her crazy-making behaviors started up again at home after about 3 days. She is obsessively counting again, and her anxiety shot through the roof. The fits. Lord have mercy, the fits. If anything is perceived as injustice, or if something does not go as she has imagined, all bets are off. Last night she wallowed on the floor of a local buffet because they did not have peeled shrimp. She also ran from me and hide in a booth because it was time to go home. When she runs she gets this kind of crazed look on her face and laughs maniacally. It is sort of frightening. We are managing. The school behavior is still not very good. She is sent to the office for time outs, but she is not very cooperative. They are working with me, knowing and appointment is coming soon.

I had an intake appointment with my son's psychiatrist for myself today. I decided two weeks ago to give the appointment to her. I am slightly sad about that, as I have waited nearly 4 months for the appointment, but I am doing better and she is in dire need right now.

Last week I was at the school for the afternoon observing and I noticed that the room is terribly disorganized. The kids do not have a coat closet so their coats hang on the back of their chairs. There was coats all over the floor. The teachers stuff was everywhere and you had to step over coats or piles to get from one place to another. I know this throws my OCD for a loop. I am wondering if this has an effect on her as well. I also have concerns that the teacher has missed TONS of time lately. She either has a full day sub or severlal half day subs each week. I love the teacher, but wonder if this is the culprit behind the fits. She needs routine, and if she has random teachers throughout the week this could be a problem.

So, the appointment is today and I am afraid. I am afraid that the doctor will say she is fine and it is our parenting that needs help. I know that my family has a background of OCD so I hope this comes into play. I hope he agrees with this diagnosis. I hope he has a plan for treating this whether it be meds or not. I just need a plan. My OCD figures into this because I want to fix it and can't. I am also afraid that he will think it could be something else along the lines of a personality disorder and wants to put her on some mood altering drug. I am not sure how I feel about that because of her age, but I want her to have the best possible chance at peace.

On a brighter note, I have started her on Melatonin at night for sleeping and it is a God send! It works fabulously. I just put her on Omega 3 hoping that it will provide a bit of peace and calm to her demeanor. If it doesn't work for that, at least I know it is "feeding her brain" and it is something that is good for lifelong health. I am also beginning to utilize strong sitting more often, I just need to remember to do it. I want to make it a bonding time and do it with her face to face.

I do trust this doctor and I hope I can simply make it through today and get this next step over with. Maybe I need to take a time out and do some strong sitting!

Friday, February 12, 2010


I read the most profound blogpost today from a woman whose mother took her own life years ago. Today would've been her birthday. I was immediately touched by what Kristy said and I would like to leave it here. It is something I think I should read often. Thank you Kristy for sharing your pain, your revelations, and your grief. It has touched me deeply!

As much as it hurts to be without her, she taught me an important lesson. Though I fall short, my best is better than nothing at all. In the end, that was what I got as a kid, no mom. Even in my frustration and failure, I know that just my being here for my kids is something. My best is not perfect, but it is good enough. I was chosen for my children and them for me. I adore Howard and want nothing more than to be the best helper I can be to him and even when I fall short and lose my temper or snip at him, he loves me, and having me as a wife is better than going at it alone.

I fail. Every. single. day. I fail. My mom wasn't well enough to see that her presence was all that was needed, but because of her colossal mistake, I can. I can see it. Despite my shortcomings, my presence matters in this family. My kids love me, my husband loves me and my God loves me and that is enough. So for that lesson, I thank my mother.

Powerful! And so very needed.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I have been doing well lately. So well in fact that I really haven't had any issues with my depression or even my OCD. But I can feel the stress welling up inside me. I am trying to stave off the ruminations, but I fear they are getting the best of me. I suppose it is time to double my dose and self-medicate for a few days. (not sure if that actually works, but it makes me feel better)

The stress? My daughter. If you recall she was diagnosed as OCD shortly before the new year. We saw a change in her behavior within a week. Her anxiety levels went way down and she stopped throwing fits all together. We had always thought that her fits were just of the stubborn, strong willed child variety. The more I watched their beginnings, the more I realized that they were caused by the anxiety of things not happening as she pictured them, not necessarily because she did not get her way. The clinging to me that she had always done really began ti dissappear as well. She was happy, pleasant and compliant.

The problem was that as we saw her make such progress at home, she began acting out at school. In the classroom she always pleased her teacher. She did tend to talk too much or without raising her hand, but she was a helper and a pleasant student. Recently she has beagn to be ugly and defiant. She refuses to do what she is asked. Will not sit where she is asked to sit. She even left the room without permission. It is as though her behaviors flipped. Good at school, rotten at home to good at home, rotten at school. I even received a call from the assistant prinicpal this week. Not good.

I decided to try taking her off the medication. She was great the folowing day in school. The problem was that I began to see her anxiety ramp back up. I knew it was something I could deal with, I mean we have been dealing with it for all this time, but I didn't want her to have to deal with it. I did not want her to live the childhood I did. The anxiety, the worry, the stomach aches, the counting, the ruminating and all the rest. I called the pediatrician and he assured me that she needs medication and I should try half the dosage for a week. I am okay with that, but I want to make sure she is behaved at school.

The BIG stress is that he mentioned he was concerned that sometimes anti-depressives in kids tend to unmask other issues. He fears that it could be unmasking some manic behavior. He was very careful to tell me not to fret and that it was just a fleeting thought that crossed his mind, I am freaking out. When I mentioned this to my mother, she said she had thought the same thing when it ame to my daughter. Ack!

So now I am praying that this dosage works and I do not have to face the possibility that psychiatrists and more labels are in our future. And I really need 2 pills tonight!

Sunday, January 17, 2010

take heart

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Today I sat in church and listened to a sermon. It was a sermon that I needed to hear. I hope you will bear with me as I try to write out my notes and my feelings on the message I heard. If this is not for you, feel free to skip this entry.

I started this blog because of my need to have an anonymous place to express the feelings and the depression I have felt for most of my life. I believe that most of what I experience is due to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The need for order and routine sometimes overrules my logical mind and I become depressed and feel as if there is nothing that can pull me out of that downward spiral. Most times I can recognize that I do have positive things in my life, but there are those times when the knowledge of those things is overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness and despair. It is during these times I tend to sabotage any efforts made by others to help and tell myself it, or more likely I, am not worth it.

Today in church the pastor talked about the phrase that Jesus used "take heart". It was a phrase he used often. I immediately identified with it because I have often said, "I may know it in my head, but my heart doesn't feel it". He then continued with how exactly we can "take heart".

The first thing was to CLING to what we believe. The verse above, John 16:33, assures us that we WILL have trouble. It is what we believe about our trouble that can make the difference.

1. we need to remember that God is never the author of trouble. God promised us in John 10:10 that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." When I am in my funk, I need to remember not to lash out at God, for He is the one that gives me life and more abundantly.

2. We need to remember that adversity will never come in an amount we cannot overcome with God's strength. This is that over-used saying that is "God will not give me more than I can handle" but with the added bonus of "with His strength" which so many tend to forget.

3. Jesus promises to be available to us. We are not alone. In those times that I feel so very alone and so distraught that I wish for a bad car accident, I need to hold to the fact that Jesus is not only WITH my but AVAILABLE to me. Psalm 34:18 says "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I like Psalm 22:24 that says, "
For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."

4. God will not only take us through the pain, but he will also overcome it and form something good out of the pain. We will be stronger for the adversity. We may reach someone else who is going through the same thing. God will provide a way! Romans 8:37 promises us " No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. "

He then spoke about how we grieve and that when David lost his son, he "walked toward hope". He cried all that he could cry, and then he relied on the promised that he will see him again. The final point was who you lean on. Yes, we can lean on Jesus, but having someone "with skin on" is important. At this point, you all (and my husband) are who I lean on. So thank you.

Thursday, January 14, 2010


All is good here. I know I haven't posted in a while. It has been a little crazy around these parts. I am trying to pull myself out of the winter blues and I think I am managing quite nicely. The holiday fever has died down and the kids are in a good routine.

My special needs child is not doing so well at home. It seems when his behaviors amp up at home he does really well at school. I see that echoed in several other regular blogs I read. I kind of like that though since I have no control over what happens there, I feel like I would rather have him behave there otherwise I fret over trying to fix it. Truthfully I cannot fix it and then I worry. Home behaviors have been ugly and I fear it is partly my fault (as I always do) because to be honest right now I really don't like him. I love him with all my heart and don't regret a minute of our decision to adopt him, but wow, he isn't very pleasant to be around most of the time. I have to change my attitude and fake it. I know it is cyclical and once I play the game for a while, he will come around and be the lovable, funny, child I know and DO like. I just get so down on myself when I feel this way. Any of you experience this?

It seems my daughters foray into psychotropic drugs may be paying off. Her fit behaviors have significantly lessened already and I am pleased with her much more calm demeanor. I have not heard her habitually counting in a few days. And she has not mentioned something not being FAIR (followed by a melt down) in a couple days. I hope that we continue to see progress and she can break free from the chains of OCD that I suffered unknowingly from for so long.

I cry for those in Haiti who already have so little. I am truly blessed and it is unfortunate that it takes such a tragedy to remember that. Lord, bless those in that region and help us remember to be thankful.

Monday, January 4, 2010


Okay, I suppose since this is partially for me to chronicle my emotions I should sya that "it" is starting. I am becoming much more dept at recognizing it. I am becoming depressed. Yesterday all those feelings of unworthiness came flooding to the surface. I have no idea what triggered it.

It was an odd day. The kids were off and the husband wasn't feeling well. Maybe my attitude and my emotions contributed to the feeling in the house or maybe it was an all around crappy day. Nothing horrible happened, just and overall feeling of BLAH. Last night I had a really difficult night sleeping and went downstairs several times to find something to occupy my racing thoughts. The kids didn't sleep well either.

I woke this morning determined to turn it around. I pulled myself out of bed and put a smile on my face, whether I liked it or not. I will get through this day in a good mood. I probably didn't hurt that I doubled my dose of anti-depressive either! :) I do tend to self-medicate when I am feeling down. I have tlked about this with my doctor and he said that as long as I am careful and I do not do it longterm it is fully acceptable. Usually it is only for a period of about 5 days or so, if that.

I have actually been listing the good things in my life today. When I start ruminating over something I cannot change I grab a sticky note and write down something positive. Something concrete like "I have heat" "The bills are paid" and "My kids went out the door smiling today". They are spread on my desk. I think this is helping because I am smiling and I am keeping the shitty thoughts at bay!

Any other suggestions?