Monday, September 26, 2011


I am healing. My leg is doing much better, although my movement is slow and motions are hampered due to the plate in my ankle. It does not allow me to flex my foot and I have a hard time walking. I look like Igor.

My little kids are definitely taking advantage of my immobility. They know I cannot get up quickly to deal with disputes so they can whack each other. That and a med change for the ADD one and we have a recipe for disaster. The Daytrana patch is doing well, but we are still tweaking dosages. 10mg is not enough and 20 mg trigger more bug fears, aggitation and frustration. Here's hoping that 15mg works well on both fronts. We shall see this week.

The Big Kid with FAS is being a pain in my ass. Apparently he is learning some choice teenager beahviors from someone at school with an attitude. He has never used certain phrases before and ways of saying things with nastiness is new too. He favorite way? Drawing out the end of the word. For instance : "I said I put it on the ta --ble - - uh!" Add an eye roll and a head jerk and you have my life right now. When he doesn't get what he wants, he goes from acting like a teenager to crying, whining and stomping his feet on the floor in a heartbeat. Lord have mercy, he is nutty.

He is still having to be kept completely separate from the kids and the animals because of some horrid behavior choices. He is likely to really hurt someone if he is left alone with them. School does not seem to understand this and I put my foot down last week. I was feeling just shitty enough to holler at the Teacher of Record by saying cryptically, "I am warning you one last time, if you allow him to be left alone with another child and he does irrepairable mental or physical damage, YOU will be held responsible! And if you allow him to be left alone with staff prepare yourself for accusations! I will not be held responsible for what will happen. How soon can this be put in the IEP?" It was put in there the following morning.

I had a massive anxiety attack last week. I am not sure why, I thought I was doing pretty good emotionally, but apparently my body thought differently. It was the first time my husband had seen one and it freaked him out. I thought I was going to die. It had been so long since I had one like this (like 20 years) that I wasn't sure what was happening for at least 10 minutes, so my stress in what was happening made it worse. It lasted for about 30 minutes until I fell asleep. When I get one of this magnitude, I feel like I cannot breath. I have to sit ear an open window or I feel like I am suffocating. I feel super "bloated" like my insides are strangling me. My arms fall asleep and my legs twitch. It is the most odd sensation. The panic makes it worse and if I can psych myself out of it I can make it dissipate. That is the hook eh? Trying to calm myself when my entire body is freaking out.

Thankfully I am not down in the dumps, just irritated and on edge. I self medicated by taking two Zoloft last night. Hopefully some calm will come over me today.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


My husband has been sick for some time. Initially we thought it was food poisoning and when it didn't get much better consistently for about 6 weeks he went to the doctor. The initial tests looked like hepatitis. Thankfully more testing revealed what was likely a wicked viral infection. It also revealed that his testosterone was very low.

My husband had a pituitary tumor removed in 2001. When they removed the large walnut sized tumors, they had to remove a portion of the gland itself. This has caused issues with his body not making enough hormone. He used to have to do shots and then some cream. He hated the cream and he stopped using it. The last time they checked his levels he was fine. This time they were VERY low.

Low testosterone can cause irritability, fatigue, depression and anger amoung other things. He has had two injections so far and even the kids can tell a difference in his behavior and attitude. It is amazing! I hope that the tend continues and he begins to feel more like himself. Once this infection gets under control he should feel like a new man!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I am in a bit of a better space today. Things are still crappy, but I am less emotional. Today I am mad though. I feel like I can do nothing right. My mother, who is my boss, is being a pain in the ass. We are short staffed right now and instead of dealing with the one who's job it is to staff the place, she is pissy at me. She is throwing stuff at me to do left and right and then gets upset when my work isn't getting done in a timely manner because I am doing everyone else's crap.

My mom and I are tight, but like I said before she is a trigger. She also has OCD and anxiety, but rarely admits it and prefers to live without medication.

She needs medication.

When she is unhappy she takes it out on me and my step-father. Stressful situations are ugly. Right now they are having their house painted. I know that would really mess with my OCD with everything torn up, and she is UGLY. It is there times that make her very dificult to be around.

I am not sure if you would consider it passive agressive or not, but that's what I think it is. Today for instance she was complaining to a coworker right in front of me that she HAD to come pick me up at 7:30 this morning. Last night she called me two times OFFERING to pick me up. I said no once and she called back saying it wasn't a bother. The other day I dropped a tool on my ankle at her house and it looked like it was close to needing stitches. When my husband went inside to ask her if she had any steri-strips, she came outside and called me stupid for droppingthe tool, saying I was "dangerous" and hollered at me for not being more careful in front of my three kids, my brother and my 4 nieces and nephews. (I am KLUTZY, I have always been KLUTZY, she always says I am "dangerous") Does she think I did it on purpose? Does she think I wanted to slash my ankle open?

Another thing she does that really sets me off is when we are at work and I am not feeling well. will say something like, "Man, my head hurts today." and she will say, "Quit whining." or "Suck it up" always in front of coworkers. If anyone else says the same thing she tells them they should go home and take care of themselves. I am not wanting to go home, I am just tired of being made to feel like an ass. She will offer to stay and work someone else's shift or even offers ME to stay. Swear to goodness.

In her eyes I am totally inadequate.


I have blogged a couple times about my 16 year old FAS and RAD child's paraprofessional. She is not appropriate most of the time. I have dealt with her for 4 years now because changing her will cause more issues for him than I care to deal with. This will likely be her last year with him so I am gritting my teeth and dealing. Each time I have an issue it is dealt with and I think it will get better, until the next issue of course . . .

Here is a bit of our issues with her in the past : she has called him "son", she has told him he could come live with her if we are mean, she has encouraged him to get a drivers license (his IQ is under 50), she has convinced him he can go to college to become a veterinarian, she allowed military recruiters to speak to him at school. He is in an Moderately Mentally Handicapped program. One of the teachers last year had her number and was irritated with her. Unfortunately that teacher is not here this year :(

Last night he came home with a love note from a classmate. When I asked him about the girl he said, "Mrs. M said I needed a girlfriend so she got me one." After talking to him I asked him how he read the note, he said Mrs. M read it to him and helped him write one to her. He also said that she kissed him in lunch and Mrs. M let him hold her hand in the hall. He said that she thought it was cute.

This is a child with attachment issues. This is a child who acts out sexually in our home. This is a child who is NOT READY for this type of behavior and I will not condone it! I wrote an email to his Teacher of Record and I got a response that said he "investigated" and doesn't think Mrs. M had any idea. That is a load of crap! I sent an email back that was not super kind saying she had an idea and it needs to be stopped.

Last night he was obsessed with his penis, gee I wonder why? I am not putting up with this junk from the school. I am telling you I will have her job if this continues. This mama is pissed.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

the perfect storm

How can one go from having a great time to feeling like a failure in one day? Today I have had the perfect storm . . .

My child was horrid last night. He was up about 40 times from about 3:00am to the time we gets up at 7:45 am. No lie. We have an alarm system on his door so every time he came out ofhis room the alarm blew right in my ear. First it was that he needed a drink. Then he had to go to the bathroom every 10 minutes (which is his new lie of choice to not follow directions). Then he was hungry, then it was time for his bus (it was still dark out). I think he just wanted to reak havoc on the house. I got next to no sleep from 3:00 am on.

My husband is sick. He has some sort of viral infection that he cannot shake. He has been doing a bit better, but last night was rough! He was vomiting and moaning most of the early morning. I am certain the stress of my child constantly coming out of his room was adding to it. I am fairly certain that my daughter and I have the same virus, but it has hit him harder than us. I have not had ONE day in 4 weeks where I was not doubled over with stomach pain for a portion of my day. It sucks. Eating is not fun, and I love to eat!

I am just plain tired of hobbling around on my hurt leg. It is heavy and painful and I am just done.

My mom is in a MOOD today. She is grouchy because we are short staffed at work and everything seems to be my fault today. When she is like this it is a MAJOR trigger for me. She was unhappy with the way we dealt with some of my son's behaviors yesterday at a cookout and now I am on her shit list. She is being very short with me and that triggers me big time. I am a pleaser and I don't like making people mad (unless they deserve it LOL). I hate myself when she is mad at me. I feel useless and unimportant. I know I give her too much power, but we have always had a tenuous relationships until several years ago. Each time she does this it reminds me of how it was like before.

My van is broken and I have no idea what is wrong. I stress abuot money and this is going to be a major inconvenience. Holy crap, I cannot even think about it.

So I am on the verge of tears today. My stomach hurts and I want to crawl in a hole and die. I have not felt like this in some time. I had been doing so well. I am certain it will pass, but the uncertainty and the stress is making me crazy. I want to take some time and nap tonight. I rarely do that, but I feel like I really need it before I crack. The problem is with him being sick and a busy weekend that passed my house is a wreck and I have so much laundry to do.

Whine, whine, whine.

Monday, September 5, 2011


My kindred spirit came to my town this weekend. (we met a couple weeks ago in Chicago) She traveled here with her kids and we had a fabulous weekend doing not much of anything. Last night, I stayed at her hotel for a bit while my husband took the kids home to get ready for bed. He told me I could stay and chat for awhile, but when I got home I knew he was upset. He really wasn't much upset that I got to spend time with her, but that I did not spend time with him.

He said something that was quite touching. When I told him that I had very few friends who I connected with and said, "She is the first person who truly gets me", I hurt his feelings. He said, "I get you." And he does. I have shared my struggles with suicidal thoughts and depression with him. He understands living this life because he lives it with me. But it is not his battle.

I know he gets me, but she understands me because she has the same feelings, the same issues and many of the same demons to battle. It is different. Although we have lived separate lives, unknown to one another for many years, we have taken very similar paths. I adore her as though I have known her for years, not merely months.

I love my husband with my whole heart. He is my rock. He and the kids are the reason I keep fighting. . . but sometimes it is good to have a kindred spirit.