Sunday, March 18, 2012


I am working on me. In the last week we have begun to embrace our new way of eating. We have not yet even started following it hardcore, just working on transitioning. It is going as well as I thought it could. The kids are drinking mostly water with a bit of almond milk, or soy milk as they like. Mostly they are choosing water. We have almost completely eliminated meat. Processed foods are a thing of the past. It is going well.

In the process I am doing well. I am not sure if it is because we are eating better and my body is working better, or if it is just a really good patch for me. I am not sure. I do have high hopes that this new way of eating will eliminate some of my depression and anxiety issues as my body begins to function the way God intended on the foods he provided. I don't know if it will happen, but there is always hope. Right now, I have more energy and feel pretty darn good.

I also think part of the way I am currently feeling is due to the fact that I feel good about what I am doing. The recipes are pretty long and involved and take some time to complete. I feel like I am feeding my family well and in turn feel good about myself. I am proud of the way the kids are handling this big change and I am proud of myself that we are doing this. The chopping and preparing of vegetables give me some time to reflect on my day and process everything. It is good.

I know that focusing on myself is important. Too often I have focused on everything but me, and then when I turn around I get bitter and nasty. Tempering the demands of my family with a bit of "me" time is the ticket.

Change is good.

Thursday, March 8, 2012


Last weekend at the ETAAM retreat I participated in for mamas parenting kids with trauma and attachment issues I was changed.

I sat with women who have raised kids through adoption who have had a really tough start in life. I comiserated with mamas who want nothing more than for their kids to feel whole and loved and they realize that may never happen. I cried with mamas who recounted their kid's horrific pasts and terrible abuse they suffered. I loved on mamas who have had to disrupt the adoption because they could no longer keep their child or their other children safe. I listened to mamas who have a bit of their heart broken each and every time their child looks at them with hatred and pain. I learned more than I thought I ever could about our kids, our situations, our healing and mostly about me.

I have known for awhile now that this community gives me the opportunity to say I AM NOT ALONE. I felt that love and that immediate camaraderie this past weekend. I finally felt NOT ALONE on this journey.

I also learned that I AM ENOUGH. The self loathing from the fact that I cannot fix my broken child ebbed a little bit. I am the mother chosen to pick up his broken pieces. I may never be able to fit them back together, but I will hold them for him. I started on this path to learn how to cope with my adopted child and in the process it oozed over to not only myself, but also my other children. I AM ENOUGH.

Much has been offered here lately about my own suicidal thoughts and poor self image. My dear anonymous commenter from Edmonton has triggered me more than I thought possible by telling me that I am basically an unfit mother and I should've fixed myself before having kids. Ya know what? I AM ENOUGH. My children are loved and adored. They may not be perfect and I may have contributed to their struggles, but I AM ENOUGH. I love them unconditionally and we will get through this together. I was given a beautiful gift in all three of my children and I refuse to let anonymous or anyone else tell me that they should not exist because I am broken. I fully believe they were put on this Earth for a purpose and for that I am grateful.

We will get through this together. I will pull my therapeutic panties us and we will be stronger. I will be the best woman, the best mother and the best friend that I can be. I may not be perfect, but I AM ENOUGH. Through the struggles, the pain and the anxiety I will need to hold to this mantra for life is hard. Mental illness is hard. Trauma and Attachment is hard. But, we will survive.