enough

Last weekend at the ETAAM retreat I participated in for mamas parenting kids with trauma and attachment issues I was changed.

I sat with women who have raised kids through adoption who have had a really tough start in life. I comiserated with mamas who want nothing more than for their kids to feel whole and loved and they realize that may never happen. I cried with mamas who recounted their kid's horrific pasts and terrible abuse they suffered. I loved on mamas who have had to disrupt the adoption because they could no longer keep their child or their other children safe. I listened to mamas who have a bit of their heart broken each and every time their child looks at them with hatred and pain. I learned more than I thought I ever could about our kids, our situations, our healing and mostly about me.

I have known for awhile now that this community gives me the opportunity to say I AM NOT ALONE. I felt that love and that immediate camaraderie this past weekend. I finally felt NOT ALONE on this journey.

I also learned that I AM ENOUGH. The self loathing from the fact that I cannot fix my broken child ebbed a little bit. I am the mother chosen to pick up his broken pieces. I may never be able to fit them back together, but I will hold them for him. I started on this path to learn how to cope with my adopted child and in the process it oozed over to not only myself, but also my other children. I AM ENOUGH.

Much has been offered here lately about my own suicidal thoughts and poor self image. My dear anonymous commenter from Edmonton has triggered me more than I thought possible by telling me that I am basically an unfit mother and I should've fixed myself before having kids. Ya know what? I AM ENOUGH. My children are loved and adored. They may not be perfect and I may have contributed to their struggles, but I AM ENOUGH. I love them unconditionally and we will get through this together. I was given a beautiful gift in all three of my children and I refuse to let anonymous or anyone else tell me that they should not exist because I am broken. I fully believe they were put on this Earth for a purpose and for that I am grateful.

We will get through this together. I will pull my therapeutic panties us and we will be stronger. I will be the best woman, the best mother and the best friend that I can be. I may not be perfect, but I AM ENOUGH. Through the struggles, the pain and the anxiety I will need to hold to this mantra for life is hard. Mental illness is hard. Trauma and Attachment is hard. But, we will survive.

I AM ENOUGH.