Friday, February 12, 2010


I read the most profound blogpost today from a woman whose mother took her own life years ago. Today would've been her birthday. I was immediately touched by what Kristy said and I would like to leave it here. It is something I think I should read often. Thank you Kristy for sharing your pain, your revelations, and your grief. It has touched me deeply!

As much as it hurts to be without her, she taught me an important lesson. Though I fall short, my best is better than nothing at all. In the end, that was what I got as a kid, no mom. Even in my frustration and failure, I know that just my being here for my kids is something. My best is not perfect, but it is good enough. I was chosen for my children and them for me. I adore Howard and want nothing more than to be the best helper I can be to him and even when I fall short and lose my temper or snip at him, he loves me, and having me as a wife is better than going at it alone.

I fail. Every. single. day. I fail. My mom wasn't well enough to see that her presence was all that was needed, but because of her colossal mistake, I can. I can see it. Despite my shortcomings, my presence matters in this family. My kids love me, my husband loves me and my God loves me and that is enough. So for that lesson, I thank my mother.

Powerful! And so very needed.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


I have been doing well lately. So well in fact that I really haven't had any issues with my depression or even my OCD. But I can feel the stress welling up inside me. I am trying to stave off the ruminations, but I fear they are getting the best of me. I suppose it is time to double my dose and self-medicate for a few days. (not sure if that actually works, but it makes me feel better)

The stress? My daughter. If you recall she was diagnosed as OCD shortly before the new year. We saw a change in her behavior within a week. Her anxiety levels went way down and she stopped throwing fits all together. We had always thought that her fits were just of the stubborn, strong willed child variety. The more I watched their beginnings, the more I realized that they were caused by the anxiety of things not happening as she pictured them, not necessarily because she did not get her way. The clinging to me that she had always done really began ti dissappear as well. She was happy, pleasant and compliant.

The problem was that as we saw her make such progress at home, she began acting out at school. In the classroom she always pleased her teacher. She did tend to talk too much or without raising her hand, but she was a helper and a pleasant student. Recently she has beagn to be ugly and defiant. She refuses to do what she is asked. Will not sit where she is asked to sit. She even left the room without permission. It is as though her behaviors flipped. Good at school, rotten at home to good at home, rotten at school. I even received a call from the assistant prinicpal this week. Not good.

I decided to try taking her off the medication. She was great the folowing day in school. The problem was that I began to see her anxiety ramp back up. I knew it was something I could deal with, I mean we have been dealing with it for all this time, but I didn't want her to have to deal with it. I did not want her to live the childhood I did. The anxiety, the worry, the stomach aches, the counting, the ruminating and all the rest. I called the pediatrician and he assured me that she needs medication and I should try half the dosage for a week. I am okay with that, but I want to make sure she is behaved at school.

The BIG stress is that he mentioned he was concerned that sometimes anti-depressives in kids tend to unmask other issues. He fears that it could be unmasking some manic behavior. He was very careful to tell me not to fret and that it was just a fleeting thought that crossed his mind, I am freaking out. When I mentioned this to my mother, she said she had thought the same thing when it ame to my daughter. Ack!

So now I am praying that this dosage works and I do not have to face the possibility that psychiatrists and more labels are in our future. And I really need 2 pills tonight!