Wednesday, April 28, 2010


Perhaps I spoke too soon. Yesterday was not a good day. I get in these places where I feel that everyone is at war with me. I feel as though I am under attack, that each and very gaze from someone is pointed and harsh. I know deep down it is my own issue, but how to combat this eludes me.

I am tired. I am not sleeping well and I should've known something was coming. I am wondering if the full moon has anything to do with this downward spiral I seem to be in, or if it is just coincidence.

It is during these times that I take everything to heart. Any kind of comment is dissected and sorted and made to be something it is not. I feel inadequate and therefore become defensive. If someone comments that I should be careful, I am taken aback that they do not trust me. If someone offers common sense advice I feel as though they think I am too stupid to understand it without their prodding. If someone walks by me without speaking, I feel as though they are being rude and I have done something wrong.

My mood and the way I see things alters my conversations. I get a sharp point about my voice. I answer quick and harsh. I tend to avoid eye contact. My smiles are forced and closed-lipped. I seen irritated and frustrated. People ask me if I am feeling well. They say I look tired.

It is during these times that I feel like I am a failure. I feel like I am unable to make those around me happy when it is truly myself that I am unable to make happy. I am weepy and feel flush. I hate my reflection. I feel frumpy and flustered.

It is days like today that I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to shut down my "real" blog and never write again. I want to drown my sorrows in Tequila and peanut butter cookies. It is times such as this when I want to scream at my husband to just leave me and never come back. I feel unlovable and woefully inadequate. I feel like there is too much to da and not enough hours in the day.

Writing this has made my hands shake and my brow hot. My vision is swirly and I feel dizzy. My heart hurts in my tight chest. My breathing is a little choppy. I can see all this for what it is. I can understand it is not good. I can see where I want to be. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. Not right now. It is times like this that I pop an extra med at night, whether it helps or not, it makes me think it does.

I will be okay. I have been here many times before. It is interesting to me that I am realizing it for what it is much sooner than I have before. I am able to process it and think through it far easier since it is still in it's infancy. Maybe I can reason my way out of it before I hit bottom and bounce back to the top.

I'll keep you posted.


  1. Recognition is the first step. Hugs and prayers.

  2. Your post helped me to understand better than I ever have before what it must be like for someone I love who has mental illness. Thank you for your honesty. I want you to know I am praying for you today.