Today I am feeling spunky. Thank God for spunky.
I am feeling more like myself. I know that I am teetering on the edge and I could find myself on the wrong side of the fence at any time, but for now, I feel good.
The weekend holds promise. I have yard work and some maintenance to do on the house. I love that work so because I can look back and see what has been done. I like to see things completed. I think it stirs my OCD and helps me check one more things off in my mind. I like to feel my muscles ache and feel the sun on my face as I do something beneficial for my family. It makes me feel needed.
My husband has been very kind these last few days. I am not sure if he reads here, I know that he knows it exists. Like most women I tend to share everything with him, and like most men he probably realized this dark period was coming long before I did. He is kindhearted and going through his own difficult time as he tries to break a cycle of insomnia. He has been understanding of my tones and harsh answers and really made an effort not to respond negatively.
My youngest son on the other hand is not happy with me. I didn't realize how much these times effect him until today. I know I am more "snappy" than usual, but I think these times make me more affectionate too as I try to hold my kids longer and show them more love. They make me feel better. The snappiness has hurt him this time as he is growing older and becoming more aware of situations around him. He said, "I wish I could've gone to school without seeing you this morning".
Wow. I asked him why and he said, "You are grouchy to us when you are in a hurry and I don't like it." I sat down to his eye level and took his hands in mine. I apologized. I told him adults make mistakes just like kids and I am not perfect. I told him that I was grouchy, but that was no excuse to make him feel badly. He said, "That's okay mommy, thanks for saying sorry" and hugged me.
It caused me to check my frustration. It caused me to take a look at how I was effecting others. It caused me to take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and smile at the new day.
So that's where I am. Making the most of each second, keeping my dear boy's words in my head. Right now I am on the right side of the fence.
Thank God for kids and their honesty.
P.S. Joe, thanks for the kind comment! Please share your blog when it is up and running. It is so nice to hear over and over that my feelings are not isolated! Thank you for your strength! (I read your wife's blog too!)