I feel like I am whining. However, yesterday I received a comment from Kari that thanked me for helping her understand what it is like living with mental illness. So, perhaps my goal of not only helping myself vent but also touching others who may feel the same or know those who do, is working. So I shall continue.
Last night at home was pretty uneventful. The previous evening I had argued with my spouse and I had done so in front of the kids, which I hate. We don't yell and scream, but it was obvious we were not happy. My husband and I have come a long way. I like to yell, curse and I throw things. I love to throw things! I like to see them break. I no longer do those things, partially due to medication, but mostly because of the children. Sometimes I think it has to do with age and a resignation of sorts that I don't have all the answers, and the less we argue, the less I have to feel badly about. I takes more energy to rehash things than to just stuff them inside and deal with them once the emotions have taken a back seat. And it usually much more efficient too.
Today the tears have come. I have cried three times at work today. I hate being wrong, and worse yet, I hate being right and being told I am wrong. The feelings of inadequacy and being a failure rear their ugly heads. I don't like to make waves during these times. My natural personality is one of deep determination. I am quick to make decisions and quick to find an efficient way to get things done. I am an organizer, I like seeing things fall into place. Once I get my mind set on something there is nothing that will stop me. I can be brutally harsh and have dogged determination when I know there is an injustice that needs righted. I can be a real bitch and it tends to get things done! When I am in the place I am currently, I have none of that.
I fall back into a meek childlike state. I worry that everyone is against me. I hate being corrected and feel like an utter failure that someone had to take time out to fix something I have done. I apologize to everyone. I feel like everyone is scouring each and every thing that I do. I then get irritated with my self which helps to compound the failure feelings. I can see as I type this how it feels like a never ending spiral and why.
That is where the crying begins. I tear up over everything. I get corrected, I tear up. Someone asks a simple question and I assume they are criticizing and I tear up. I think about all the rotten things I am going through and I tear up. I get pissed at myself because I KNOW this is not my typical personality and it causes me to tear up. The pity feelings start and it is all over.
I think this is where the suicidal thoughts come in. After days of this thinking and crying over every. little. thing I get so defeated and just plain tired of feeling like this. This does not happen every time. Sometimes I can pull myself out of this way of thinking. Sometimes a kind word from a coworker or a compliment by someone who is completely unaware of the situation will pull me right out. Sometimes it is my children and their love for me that does it. Sometimes it lasts a little longer and I fall into despair that takes a long while to crawl out of.
This time I will not let it go there. This time I am trying to think through my feelings. I am trying to take a look at my motives and my failings. This time I will win. This time I will get myself back faster and better than before.
This blog will help.
Thanks for listening.