scared

I am scared. I have not posted much about lately, the business of life you know. But, recall when my daughter was diagnosed with OCD and I was very happy that the medication seemed to be working? Well, it was not. I take that back. It was amazing at home. She was calm and pleasant and peaceful. School was another story. She carried on like a banshee. It was as though a witch flipped and all the negative behaviors that we used to see at home changed to school.

The teacher was convinced it was the medication. I was afraid that we began a new pattern of behavior. She was running around the room, throwing herself on the floor, refusing to do what was asked of her, hiding, screaming, telling adults "No!", you know, acting like a maniac. I was actually called several times and had to even go get her once.

Initially the pediatrician agree to cut the dosage in half. No change. We then started giving the pill at night when I take mine. No change. I gave up and took her off it about 3 weeks ago. Her crazy-making behaviors started up again at home after about 3 days. She is obsessively counting again, and her anxiety shot through the roof. The fits. Lord have mercy, the fits. If anything is perceived as injustice, or if something does not go as she has imagined, all bets are off. Last night she wallowed on the floor of a local buffet because they did not have peeled shrimp. She also ran from me and hide in a booth because it was time to go home. When she runs she gets this kind of crazed look on her face and laughs maniacally. It is sort of frightening. We are managing. The school behavior is still not very good. She is sent to the office for time outs, but she is not very cooperative. They are working with me, knowing and appointment is coming soon.

I had an intake appointment with my son's psychiatrist for myself today. I decided two weeks ago to give the appointment to her. I am slightly sad about that, as I have waited nearly 4 months for the appointment, but I am doing better and she is in dire need right now.

Last week I was at the school for the afternoon observing and I noticed that the room is terribly disorganized. The kids do not have a coat closet so their coats hang on the back of their chairs. There was coats all over the floor. The teachers stuff was everywhere and you had to step over coats or piles to get from one place to another. I know this throws my OCD for a loop. I am wondering if this has an effect on her as well. I also have concerns that the teacher has missed TONS of time lately. She either has a full day sub or severlal half day subs each week. I love the teacher, but wonder if this is the culprit behind the fits. She needs routine, and if she has random teachers throughout the week this could be a problem.

So, the appointment is today and I am afraid. I am afraid that the doctor will say she is fine and it is our parenting that needs help. I know that my family has a background of OCD so I hope this comes into play. I hope he agrees with this diagnosis. I hope he has a plan for treating this whether it be meds or not. I just need a plan. My OCD figures into this because I want to fix it and can't. I am also afraid that he will think it could be something else along the lines of a personality disorder and wants to put her on some mood altering drug. I am not sure how I feel about that because of her age, but I want her to have the best possible chance at peace.

On a brighter note, I have started her on Melatonin at night for sleeping and it is a God send! It works fabulously. I just put her on Omega 3 hoping that it will provide a bit of peace and calm to her demeanor. If it doesn't work for that, at least I know it is "feeding her brain" and it is something that is good for lifelong health. I am also beginning to utilize strong sitting more often, I just need to remember to do it. I want to make it a bonding time and do it with her face to face.

I do trust this doctor and I hope I can simply make it through today and get this next step over with. Maybe I need to take a time out and do some strong sitting!