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The psychiatrist was awesome with my daughter. I had never seen him with smaller children and he was a much softer, kinder man. He listened carefully to what I said and asked some thought provoking questions. He spent a very long time with us.

He is concerned about the OCD. He definitely agrees that she has quite extensive OCD and maybe even some attention issues. He is not ready to address the attention issues right away which I am totally okay with. He is however concerned about her mood swings and her tendency to rage (I think fit is more appropriate because I don't see them based in anger). He put her back on the Zoloft and added Risperdal. I freaked out about the Risperdal. It actually took my breathe away. I breathed and quietly asked the dosage. Knowing me as he does, he looked at me and said, "Now Sojo, I am not going to overmedicate a little girl. You must trust me." And with his wonderful accent and his warm eyes I knew I could trust this man with my daughter.

He did tell me that this will be a difficult case and may not find a quick and easy fix. I knew that. I just pray that the school hangs out with us. I have not been called since starting the new medications, but she has apparently not been stellar. (See there's that defeatist thinking of mine, I cannot just be happy that I have not been called and consider it progress and be happy, I have to have it all settled and perfection. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it right?) The case manager at the school was a little snippy with me today on the phone, but I think that may just be my own issues playing into her abrupt nature. She did say she was speaking with the school psychologist about what they can do to structure her day better so I suppose that is a good start. ( Here again is where I freak out that they will be discussing her and what to do and I cannot be there. Instead of looking at it like a positive thing that they are brainstorming I have to mourn the fact that it even needs to be happening. This is how my mind works folks. It's like a constant battle with myself)

At home. We have seen massive progress. She has had little fits, that she recovers quickly from. She is handling dissappointment well. Bedtimes are a breeze with the addition of Melatonin. She knows the medications are helping her "do the right thing" and she is pleased she is doing well. We spent most of the night Friday and part of Saturday shopping with my mother and she was awesome! If we could get school under our finger we would be all set! (once again, can't accept one positive without thinking of a negative)

So, why am I feeling the way I am tonight? I feel trapped. My stomach is tense for no apparent reason. I feel stressed. I have been so productive for the last few weeks and now I feel like a blob. I have no motivation. I feel like I am freaking out about something but I can't remember what it is. Strange. Maybe I am just dealing with a culmination of all this stress. I am tired but I don't want to go to bed. It is almost as though I am looking for something to ruminate over. It is like I am looking for closure or something. I am paging through things in my head thinking about if they warrant worry or not. I pray this passes. I really don't want to spend my week like this.

Come on spring. I need to see your cheery face.