where to begin

Not sure where to begin.  This blog has been neglected since April.  I have not felt the need to write here of vomit my drama onto these pages at all.  My life has seemingly changed and I and thankful for a respite from the drama.  

Changes.  Good changes.  The biggest change was our diet.  As mentioned in the previous post our family began to eat a far better diet, one that significantly reduces processed foods.  That immediately made a difference in my mental health.  The "brain fog" left.  I was thinking more clearly, feeling more energetic and I was much less agitated.  It took loads of getting used to and was a lot of work.  We have fallen into a pattern and routine now and things are a bit easier.  I still "cheat".  When I do, there is a marked difference in my attitude and my mental state.  I am more more irritable and much more grouchy!  I am on edge and I don't like it.  It This new way of eating has changed the climate in my home because we are all a bit less grumpy.  The husband has lost 45+ pounds and feels great.  I have lost 20+ pounds.  The daughter's moods tend to swing less and my son sleeps much better.  It has been a positive change. 

The other change I made was to make CERTAIN that I was taking my medication daily.  I have always been horrible about taking my pills nightly.  I miss a dose, take them in the morning, or skip them all together.  It was never consistent.  When I was on birth control, we used to have to set 2 alarms to remind me to take them.  It is ridiculous.  I have been diligent about taking my meds every night at the same time and it has made a difference.  My body is receiving a consistent dose and I am happy with the outcome.

I have taken 2 classes to become certified in Reiki.  Reiki deal with energy work.  It allows the practitioner to call upon their higher being (in my case God) to provide healing energy to flow through them ( and typically their hands) to others people or things.  You call upon that energy to work for the greatest good..  It is not about me, it is about my God using his energy as he wished through me. It has given me a peace and a sense of oneness with myself and God.  The principals of Reiki resonate deeply within me and I use them everyday to remind myself to stay in the present and set aside my troubles.  They are :

Just for Today, Let Go of Anger.

Just for Today, Let Go of Worry

Just for Today, Do your work honestly.

Just for Today, Be Kind to all Living things.

Just for Today, Give Thanks for your many Blessings.



If you ask me to look at behaviors in my home I may tell you that not much has changed.  We still have anger, defiance and trauma.  It is how I am choosing to deal with it that has changed.  I am working fiercly to give my children some skills in deciding for themselves how to respond to their anger, their frustration and their sadness too so they can begin their journey a whole lot sooner than I did.  We will get there together. 

I am not saying that depression and suicidal thoughts have no place in my world any longer.  They do tend to rear their ugly heads every now and again.  I am trying to create a tool box that has lots of options inside that I can slay those thoughts with.  I am trying live in the present and embrace my future, whatever it may hold. 

I don't have all the answers, but I am welcoming the questions.

new me?

I have been following our new way of eating for over a month now. It is interesting to me that during that time, my emotional state has been pretty even keel. I have had very few melt downs, absolutely no incidences of suicidal ideations and very little grouchiness. While I knew going into this that people who eat a plant strong diet have reported much improvement in their mental state, I really did not think that I would have this amount of improvement in this short time.

Could it be a fluke? Sure could be, but I will take any plateau in my issues that I can get!

I the past month, I have eliminated all dairy products, all red meat, chicken and pork, white flour products, all soda and most salt. Our goal is to go 100% non-processed foods. It is a lofty goal, but one that is definitely attainable.

Not only do I feel better mentally, I feel better physically. The foot/ankle I injured in July was really to doing well just a month ago. It is now healing quite well and I have started physcial therapy. I thought another surgery was in my future with a long recovery and it remarkably started doing better 2 weeks after I started this way of eating. I am far less grouchy and less irritable. I have LOADS of energy. My headaches have lessened to only 2 in the last month. I typically have 5 a week on average with a migraine at least once monthly of which I have had none so far. I am sleeping better. It is pretty astounding.

My daughter has lost 6 pounds and is looking good. Her digestive system is definitely clearing out which was the main impetus for giving up dairy. She is struggling with our food choices and I think her OCD plays a big part in that. We are working hard at changing her perceptions. It is getting easier. My youngest son has transitioned to the way of eating miraculously well, although he never really cared for meat. The oldest with FAS loves any food so his transition was easy. My husband is really doing great (and cheats less than I do) and has taken this on with a fervor. He is excited to be healthier.

The hubs disposition is TONS better. I assume this is because I am easier to deal with, but all I think they way he is feeling plays a big part in that too! He has been helpful, pleasant, has way more energy and is sleeping better as well.

All in all, it was a positive change. I hope that the benefits continue to roll in and we see many more changes in our future.

me

I am working on me. In the last week we have begun to embrace our new way of eating. We have not yet even started following it hardcore, just working on transitioning. It is going as well as I thought it could. The kids are drinking mostly water with a bit of almond milk, or soy milk as they like. Mostly they are choosing water. We have almost completely eliminated meat. Processed foods are a thing of the past. It is going well.

In the process I am doing well. I am not sure if it is because we are eating better and my body is working better, or if it is just a really good patch for me. I am not sure. I do have high hopes that this new way of eating will eliminate some of my depression and anxiety issues as my body begins to function the way God intended on the foods he provided. I don't know if it will happen, but there is always hope. Right now, I have more energy and feel pretty darn good.

I also think part of the way I am currently feeling is due to the fact that I feel good about what I am doing. The recipes are pretty long and involved and take some time to complete. I feel like I am feeding my family well and in turn feel good about myself. I am proud of the way the kids are handling this big change and I am proud of myself that we are doing this. The chopping and preparing of vegetables give me some time to reflect on my day and process everything. It is good.

I know that focusing on myself is important. Too often I have focused on everything but me, and then when I turn around I get bitter and nasty. Tempering the demands of my family with a bit of "me" time is the ticket.

Change is good.

enough

Last weekend at the ETAAM retreat I participated in for mamas parenting kids with trauma and attachment issues I was changed.

I sat with women who have raised kids through adoption who have had a really tough start in life. I comiserated with mamas who want nothing more than for their kids to feel whole and loved and they realize that may never happen. I cried with mamas who recounted their kid's horrific pasts and terrible abuse they suffered. I loved on mamas who have had to disrupt the adoption because they could no longer keep their child or their other children safe. I listened to mamas who have a bit of their heart broken each and every time their child looks at them with hatred and pain. I learned more than I thought I ever could about our kids, our situations, our healing and mostly about me.

I have known for awhile now that this community gives me the opportunity to say I AM NOT ALONE. I felt that love and that immediate camaraderie this past weekend. I finally felt NOT ALONE on this journey.

I also learned that I AM ENOUGH. The self loathing from the fact that I cannot fix my broken child ebbed a little bit. I am the mother chosen to pick up his broken pieces. I may never be able to fit them back together, but I will hold them for him. I started on this path to learn how to cope with my adopted child and in the process it oozed over to not only myself, but also my other children. I AM ENOUGH.

Much has been offered here lately about my own suicidal thoughts and poor self image. My dear anonymous commenter from Edmonton has triggered me more than I thought possible by telling me that I am basically an unfit mother and I should've fixed myself before having kids. Ya know what? I AM ENOUGH. My children are loved and adored. They may not be perfect and I may have contributed to their struggles, but I AM ENOUGH. I love them unconditionally and we will get through this together. I was given a beautiful gift in all three of my children and I refuse to let anonymous or anyone else tell me that they should not exist because I am broken. I fully believe they were put on this Earth for a purpose and for that I am grateful.

We will get through this together. I will pull my therapeutic panties us and we will be stronger. I will be the best woman, the best mother and the best friend that I can be. I may not be perfect, but I AM ENOUGH. Through the struggles, the pain and the anxiety I will need to hold to this mantra for life is hard. Mental illness is hard. Trauma and Attachment is hard. But, we will survive.

I AM ENOUGH.

Going to poke the troll

Anonymous. Why do you read here? Why do you continue to believe you know me and what I do? How do you know I am not "getting help"?

A few answers for you even though I know I should let it go. I do blame myself. Just because the doctor reassured me does not mean that I don't understand my kids got this from me. I am not stupid. I am also not going to say that they will not overcome this, if they do not, I will likely blame myself forever. I never said it was an "accident of fate", ever. You're a fool.

ONCE AND FOR ALL, my home is not toxic. You have no F&*%ing idea what you are talking about. You don't know me or my home. You only know what I choose willingly to put out there. Until you have met me, my husbnad, my kids and stepped foot in my home you have no knowledge of my life first hand. You can tell me what your best friend, cousin or random people in literature went though, it has no bearing on my life. You are not me and I do not know you.

My husband will NOT leave me. You have no idea what our circumstances are. You have no idea what our dynamics are and you have no idea the talks we have had on commitment. Yes, he takes my shit. And I take his. It is a marriage, we are in it for the long haul.

The last post was neither good or triumphant. If you notice even when I struggle, most of the time I mention that "life is good". It, along with "It is what it is" are my mantra to myself. You know, something I learned getting that non-existent help.

I don't need your pity. I feel sorry for you. I feel sorry that you feel this way towards others. I pity you that you cannot tolerate and love others regardless of their struggles. Don't feel sorry for my kids, they are loved, cared for and adored. They will grow up with compassion for others, something that apparently you were not taught in Edmonton.

You suck.

Go away troll, bother someone else.

changes

Last week I took my kids to the doctor. My 9yo son was having some pain in his chest and he suffers from asthma. I took my daughter as well since she had been struggling with a urinary infection. I had been treating her with cranberry pills and it was getting better but I thought since we were going anyway I would take her along.

The pediatrician is a man I had never seen. We usually see his nurse practitioner who we love. This man was a bit intimidating, but kind. I warmed up to him very soon. He was amazing with my kids and very slow and precise. He did some chest and stomach xrays. He determined that they both have an issue with dairy. He encouraged me to read about today's dairy products and what milk is doing to our bodies. It is interesting.

He also addressed some of their mental health issues. He thinks most of the things can be lessened with a good, sound nutritional diet. He believes my son also struggles with OCD. He gave him a couple different papers to fill out. It asked lots of questions about how he felt and what he thought about particular issues within himself. My son did wonderfully filling it out. The doctor had no idea that I or my daughter was diagnosed with OCD. After looking over the forms and speaking with my son, the doctor said, "Are you familiar with OCD?" I was flabbergasted. He said, "I believe your son shows signs of OCD and anxiety".

I started to tear up. I explained that both my daughter and I are medicated for OCD and it runs in our family. I told him I had a lot of guilt for "giving" this illness to my daughter already. And now? My son. He looked me in the eye and said, "This is not your fault. If you had told me you had OCD before getting pregnant, as a doctor, I would have NEVER told you not to get pregnant. Children are a gift." I was astonished! It was as if this doctor was giving anonymous the finger! Swear to goodness, there was no way this doctor would have any idea that I had been told that I should have fixed this before having kids. It was a very important moment for me.

He encouraged me that we could make a difference in some of our kid's issues with a better diet. The mental health issues could significantly decrease with a plant based diet. We are currently looking into a couple options with books by Dr. Joel Fuhrman and his "Eat to Live" book and Alicia Silverstone's "The Kind Diet". We are officially off dairy and more changes are to come. My kids are worth it.

I spent a weekend with a wonderful woman who not only has raised a child from trauma like my older adopted son, but also struggles with her own version of mental illness. It was nice being able to say anything to her and be understood. It was nice to have our kids play together. It was amazing as always to hug her neck and know that she gets it. Sitting in the restaurant with her and her husband and our kids was a topper to a perfect weekend. My husband got to stay at home alone and have some much needed peaceful time. By Sunday evening he admitted that he missed our "noise" and was happy to have us home. Life is good . . .

random

Some random thoughts after my meltdown this weekend.

I think that those who have never dealt with suicidal ideations long term have no idea how it works. For crying out loud those who have had their own have no idea how it works for me. We are so individually different. For me, what I dealt with on Saturday is mostly my life. It comes and it goes. Saturday was just a particularly rough day, an end to a rough week, and I was spent. I also choose to blog about it when it was RAW and very UGLY. These are thoughts I live with. Sometimes they come every month, other times they only visit once every few months. Who knows? Certainly not me. I get these thoughts, meltdown and it is typically over within hours. Honestly, it sucks. It is something I know well. But the next day seems brighter, I am proud of myself for slaying the demons and I continue to live my life.

Help. Getting help. I seek help many ways and through many avenues. I don't feel the need to share that here or lay out my "schedule". That is not what this is about. This is therapy for me as much as I hope it helps someone else later. For goodness sakes, I hope it helps me later and it has in so MANY instances. While I appreciate your cries to "get help", and I truly mean that, I take issue with some comments that I need to seek help to find a "cure" or that I should've been "well" before I had my kids. That makes me physically ill. Why? I don't think I will ever escape this demon. I have survived these thoughts because I am here! That does not mean that I will never think them again. I don't believe therapy, counseling, medication, etc will ever make them fully go away. They are a part of me as much as my left arm. I can learn to deal with them and I have. I have a bag of tricks. Thankfully Saturday's version of that trick bag including spewing it onto the blogger screen in order to get it out of my head. Unfortunately for you, you had to witness the ugly.

There are several people I will have to look in the eye and know that they read that post. I will stuff the shame that offers me and know that I did it to escape the thoughts, to give them a voice. I will do my best to not feel anything but a flawed human when I meet them and hug their neck for the first time in a five short weeks. I will revel in their care for me and in their understanding of difficult lives. I know we will cry until we laugh and laugh until we cry and I cannot wait! (In two and half weeks I will sit with the best friend I have ever had and soak in her understanding and her love!)

Just because I am a master of keeping all this inside does not mean that I have in any way shorted my kids of a parent. I am there for my children. I am present. I am positive and I am kind and thoughtful. They have no idea of the storm raging in my head some days. There are only a few select people who know and understand a glimpse of that storm, and ONLY because I have shared it, not because they have witnessed anything. I am no different from you with the exception of ugly thoughts that creep in privately.

As for the fact that I should not have my children, you make me ill. My children are a gift from God. I adore my children more than myself. I do not have to be well to be a wonderful mother. I will no longer acknowledge those comments and they will be deleted. My children have saved me, you could not be farther off base.

To the person who is local. I am not sure if you are anonymous or not, Lord how I hope not. If you would, please let me know (privately) who you are so I can stop freaking out. I would really appreciate it.

trauma

As soon as I posted what I did earlier this evening I considered deleting it. I should've never posted it.

I knew that the way I felt would subside. I would be reminded of my love for my children and my husband. I knew that my husband would ponder what had happened and come down and tell me that he understood and he loved me. I knew he would comfort me. I knew that I would be okay. I knew the thought of self harm was fleeting and I would be able to keep that at bay and let it pass.

What I needed to do for myself was document what I was feeling in that moment. Perhaps it would be to go back and understand how I felt so the next time wouldn't be so damn scary. Perhaps someone, somewhere would find it and know they are not crazy.

The comments by anonymous truly helped me see that I am not as fucked up as I think. The way anonymous viewed me through my own words is not what I know in my heart. I KNOW that my children were not affected by tonight. I KNOW my mother did not damage me! (good Lord, that one makes me laugh) If anonymous knew the relationship my mother and I have it is utterly laughable!

My first thought is to be ashamed. Ashamed that I let all that fall out of my mind and spill onto the page. Ashamed that I felt the way I did. Ashamed I admitted it to you and to myself. Ashamed that I did not let it pass in that bathroom and stuff it back down inside, telling myself that I am acting foolish.

This has been a difficult week. The fact that I am not willing to blog about a couple different incidents should tell you how bad it has been. I will not apologize for sharing what I did. It is me. All of me.

I considered blocking anonymous comments, but truly what would that do. Anyone can create a google account and post comments under that name. I could be Robert F Kennedy if I wanted to be. Just because I have a google account as Sojourner Truth doesn't tell you who I am. I welcome your comments. For the most part you have been respectful even if you have been misguided. You are welcome to your opinions. In fact, they make me feel better about my life because I am not nearly as jaded and accusatory as you . . . and that is saying something.

thanks, but no thanks

Let me explain something to you anonymous. I am very, very adept at hold things in. The entire time that I was having my own personal meltdown, my kids were completely oblivious. My daughter was napping, my younger son was playing his handheld game and my other son was watching television. I did not cry in front of them, I never raised my voice and I even made them dinner and finished some laundry. I hold EVERYTHING inside which is probably the problem.

While I am well aware that I put my shit out here for everyone to read and that opens me up for anonymous commenters to read my drivel and make their own observations. But you don't know me or my ability to parent my kids. You have no idea what happens in my home beyond what you assume from reading here.

Thanks for your kind words. I do understand where you are coming from, but I do not create or live in a toxic environment. I am an expert in making things appear perfect even when they are far from it. I learned it from my mother.

I am trying to be completely honest in this forum because it helps to get it out there. It helps to say what I cannot to anyone else in the world. (well, I can to one darling friend) It helps to say it instead of act on it. It is not for attention, it is so I can see where I have been and PERHAPS help someone else think they are not alone in feeling some of the same things.

today

A few minutes ago I sat in the upstairs bathroom and came as close as I have ever been to killing myself.

Trust me. The weight of that sentence is a hard one to write.

I didn't actually have anything in my hand, but I truly and calmly thought, "this is the day" or maybe "this is the hour". I started making a checklist in my head, making sure the laundry was fairly caught up and the sheets on the beds were clean. I thought about what would be the quietest way to leave this world. I wouldn't want to upset my kids of course. Then the irony of that sentence made me laugh. Crazy, cackling laughter that shocked me in the way that it made me sound completely and totally looney.

I came downstairs and informed my husband how very much I was aware that I was a fuck up. That I was a failure. How do I know this? Because I hate the look of myself in the mirror. I hate waking up and I hate coming home from work. I hate me more than anyone else ever could. I understand. I get it. The 28 weeks of constant pain, the stress of dealing with my FAS and RAD child. The financial melt-down that it our life . . . I just can't do it anymore. I hate everything about me. I despise the person I have become.

What brought all this on? Him getting mad at me about something I said. I get it. I suck. I am a horrid wife and a worse mother. I know, trust me I know. I get so frustrated with him not fol.lowing through and doing what he says he will do and I lost my cool. I made it worse. He told me "It is obvious you don't care." Oh hell, you have no idea how that set me off. I told him that if I didn't care I would've been dead a long time ago.

The only reason I have kept going is because I know my kids will be even more screwed up if I killed myself than I have already made them. I walked upstairs and thought long and hard about it. I really could've done it today. You know what has always held me back? Thinking that my God would not forgive me and I would go to hell. Why did that not stop me today? Because I am not sure it makes a difference anymore. I feel like such a bad person and a failure that I'm not sure I would go to heaven anyway, so what's the point?

So I came downstairs and poured my heart out to my husband and what did he say? What did he say that would make me feel like anything other than a failure? What did he say that would make me even remotely help me feel like I was loved? What did he say that made me think I could possibly be contemplating a mistake? Nothing. He said nothing. He looked at me in my eyes and I saw what seemed like cold indifference. He walked away, went upstairs and laid down in bed. I got nothing. See, I do suck. I don't even warrant a "honey, please don't feel like that." Nothing. And to top it all off, he left me with the kid who needs the supervision, yay for me.

So here I sit at my computer, crying a river of tears. My kids are playing upstairs completely oblivious to my pain thankfully. What is stopping me? Them. I have failed so much, but I can't turn that corner. I can't leave them with that legacy. I just can't.

Oh how I wish I could, but I can't.

in a bad place

I am in a bad place. I am in pain most of the time. I saw the new surgeon since my last post and he said that the bone fragment is not causing much issue. The issue is with a torn tendon that runs along the inside of my right ankle. It is damaged and very inflamed. Each step causes pain. I am back in a boot and an orthotic is being made. It is likely I will have to have tendon repair surgery in the near future. The constant pain wears on me.

I am also struggling emotionally. I am fretting over every little thing. I am not sure if it is a product of the pain, but I know it is not good. That old feeling of dread is creeping into everything I do or think. I find myself gritting my teeth or with my shoulders raised in stress multiple times a day for no real reason. It is all consuming.

I am critical and judgmental of both myself and others. I hate being in this place. I hate being this person. I wish I felt better physically, I know that would help. I feel trapped and I need to escape.