A few minutes ago I sat in the upstairs bathroom and came as close as I have ever been to killing myself.
Trust me. The weight of that sentence is a hard one to write.
I didn't actually have anything in my hand, but I truly and calmly thought, "this is the day" or maybe "this is the hour". I started making a checklist in my head, making sure the laundry was fairly caught up and the sheets on the beds were clean. I thought about what would be the quietest way to leave this world. I wouldn't want to upset my kids of course. Then the irony of that sentence made me laugh. Crazy, cackling laughter that shocked me in the way that it made me sound completely and totally looney.
I came downstairs and informed my husband how very much I was aware that I was a fuck up. That I was a failure. How do I know this? Because I hate the look of myself in the mirror. I hate waking up and I hate coming home from work. I hate me more than anyone else ever could. I understand. I get it. The 28 weeks of constant pain, the stress of dealing with my FAS and RAD child. The financial melt-down that it our life . . . I just can't do it anymore. I hate everything about me. I despise the person I have become.
What brought all this on? Him getting mad at me about something I said. I get it. I suck. I am a horrid wife and a worse mother. I know, trust me I know. I get so frustrated with him not fol.lowing through and doing what he says he will do and I lost my cool. I made it worse. He told me "It is obvious you don't care." Oh hell, you have no idea how that set me off. I told him that if I didn't care I would've been dead a long time ago.
The only reason I have kept going is because I know my kids will be even more screwed up if I killed myself than I have already made them. I walked upstairs and thought long and hard about it. I really could've done it today. You know what has always held me back? Thinking that my God would not forgive me and I would go to hell. Why did that not stop me today? Because I am not sure it makes a difference anymore. I feel like such a bad person and a failure that I'm not sure I would go to heaven anyway, so what's the point?
So I came downstairs and poured my heart out to my husband and what did he say? What did he say that would make me feel like anything other than a failure? What did he say that would make me even remotely help me feel like I was loved? What did he say that made me think I could possibly be contemplating a mistake? Nothing. He said nothing. He looked at me in my eyes and I saw what seemed like cold indifference. He walked away, went upstairs and laid down in bed. I got nothing. See, I do suck. I don't even warrant a "honey, please don't feel like that." Nothing. And to top it all off, he left me with the kid who needs the supervision, yay for me.
So here I sit at my computer, crying a river of tears. My kids are playing upstairs completely oblivious to my pain thankfully. What is stopping me? Them. I have failed so much, but I can't turn that corner. I can't leave them with that legacy. I just can't.
Oh how I wish I could, but I can't.
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I am really sorry that you are so broken. I hope things get better for you, but until they do is there somewhere - anywhere- your children can go so that they are not in this toxic atmosphere? You may think they are upstairs playing, and are not aware of what is going on, but they will absorb it. They can feel the tension between your husband and yourself, and they can tell you are in a dark place.
ReplyDeleteMaybe without them around you can start to heal yourself. Maybe you need to check yourself in somewhere, because you can not keep going around and around this merry-go-round.
If you do not change things, they may get worse (is that even possible?). And the people that will pay for it the most are your children.
Do you think it would be healthier for them to be in another positive environment while you recover? You could still see them, and it would be a happy thing for all of you, but then they would not be subjected to the constant bombardment of negative emotions etc. Your husband sounds like he is 'done' too.
PLEASE change something, because this toxic atmosphere is going to explode if you don't. And it may be your husband that finally loses it.
Maybe you should sign yourself in somewhere to recover, and your husband can look after at least the two younger kids while you get better.
Right now you need to change something, because it is damaging everyone. You can't just keep going - someone is going to break.
I am still sorry that people like you choose to have children. No matter what you do you have damaged them so significantly that they will have long lasting issues from your behavior and your choices. It was not fair of you to subject anyone to this. It was not fair of you to adopt.
Don't kill yourself. GO and GET HELP, get better!!!! Then come back and be the parent that you should be - the parent you CAN be if you are mentally healthy!
A message for all your readers - GET HEALTHY BEFORE you have kids. It will be better for all of you.
Please stay safe, and thinking about removing yourself. Explain that you need to go somewhere to get special help, but you are going to work hard at getting better. Get coucilling for you and your husband. You are NOT a bad person, but put yourself in your husband's shoes. It would be draining to deal with someone who is constantly depressed and on the edge... At some point you know you can't stop them, and you can't say anything that will cause permanent change, so you give up...
It isn't that he doesn't care. Its that it is ultimatly your choice, and he is tired of doing the circle with you over and over and over again.
So change the circle. Get the help you need to be healthy.
You CAN get better. You CAN. It might take a lot to find the medications and actions that work (like yoga and self affirmations etc).
ReplyDeleteThe tone of my previos comment is darker than I meant it to be.
The reality is that unless you change something you, and your family, will continue down this spiral until the bottom drops out. But it doesn't have to be that way.
You are in distress. Physical pain, especially for a prolonged time, increases mental pain, and decreases resiliance. (spelling?).
You have had mental issues for your whole life (so it sounds), but this is YOUR CHANCE to finally get a hold of them - GO FIND SOMETHING THAT WORKS, and if the first program doesn't help, do a second.
Get the mental health help you need, but also start painting, or gardening or ????? Find something that brings your joy and accomplishment!
YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON - it sounds like you have a great heart!
So save yourself, and your family.
Try meditation, not just medication.
I believe you can change, and save yourself and your family.
Remove yourself to a safe place, keep in close contact, and strengthen the bonds with you and your kids... Go out on dates (day passes) with your husband. Walks on the beach... Card games... Things that we don't take the time to do when we all live together.... Keep recovering... Then slowly move back into the home. It will be better.
You can't give good care to your children, or your husband while you are in this dark place. You can't take care of yourself, either.
ReplyDeleteSo go to a facility and DEAL with the dark demons. Stay there longer than you think you need to! BUT GET BETTER.
You have a big heart, but you need to be in a better place, or nothing good will come of it.
Honey...I love you.
ReplyDeleteI refuse to tell you to do anything but take some time for you. If sitting in your damn bathroom is what you need to do than damnit do it. you know how many times I've talked to you...sitting in my bathroom? Many!! Sit in a hot bathtub and just BE!! I love you!!
And to Anon....telling someone to get healthy before they have childen is STUPID. S.T.U.P.I.D!!
ReplyDeleteHow do you know...that it wasn't brought on until after child birth (as in my case).
I'm sorry but that comment really boils my blood. And unless you have EVER WALKED A DAY in someone's shoes such as this sweet blogger or myself....than you have no damn clue what you are talking about!
Please! Please! Please! Get some help! If that means checking in to a local psych hospital or talking to your doctor. You are loved and would be greatly missed! And not just by your family. There are a lot of other trauma mamas out there who get it and who care about you.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers,
Mary
Yeah, Anon really needs to be ignored. As a fellow trauma mama who has experienced the pain and depression causing me to go nuts, I'm here to tell you it will get better. For me, I found I was missing some critical supplements and as soon as I got them I got better. My kids are still traumatized, my life hasn't changed, but my brain is working better. Depression will not win. I can't wait to see you next month, you are an amazing mom and we love you. I'm sure your hubby loves you too, he sounds like he's at the end of his rope too. Praying for both of you.
ReplyDeleteSweetie, we get it and we love you. Please stay. I have been so looking forward to meeting you!
ReplyDeleteI can't tell you why your husband reacted as he did, but I suspect he's pretty traumatized, too. This life is HARD on a marriage.
If you were her husband, wouldn't you be tired of trying to talk her out of not killing herself week after week after week after week? It is draining - espeically with everything else he has to deal with!
ReplyDeleteAs for the idiot that said her problems might have started after childbirth - as in her own case - go back and read her damn blog. There are many stories about how she was unbalanced before she adopted/had kids.
It is not fair to bring kids into the world when you can not even take care of yourself.
I agree that mental illness happens, but the point is GET HELP, and don't have kids until you are stable!
As for Carmen, who says I need to be ignored, but then admits that she did not get better until she started taking certain supplements. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS SAYING - so find something ANYTHING that works! Maybe it is yoga, maybe it is a drug, etc...
Her husband may see her as the boy that cries wolf - he is so sick of trying to talk her out of ending it that he probably has either figured out that A) there is nothing he can say or B) he is starting to wonder if it wouldn't be better if she just bloody well did it, because at least then they would both have a little more peace in their lives.
The point is, she is a good, caring person that needs HELP. She should admit it, and then go and get that help, or this pattern will just continue.
GET HELP. It will not harm anything. You will be telling yoiur daughter *who also has significant mental health issues * that it is okay to get extra help when you need it.
I know where you are coming from. YOU ARE OKAY just the way you are. God loves you perfectly and he loves you right now with all of your imperfections. He knows all you are dealing with. He understands your pain and your sorrow. He isn't expecting you to be anything or do anything - He loves you just because. No strings - no qualifiers. His love is unconditional. True unconditional love is hard for us to really grasp. But He has it for you - it is always there. You sound like you are really really exhausted and emotionally spent. You sound as if you have had everything pile up on you to the point that you can no longer deal with one more thing. ANd still, you are considering and putting the concerns of others before you. It took a lot of courage to get up off the bathroom floor and share your heart with your husband. It took a lot of strength to post this on your blog. You are stronger and more courageous than you know! Do you have anyone nearby who could be with you until the suicidal feelings leave? Do you have access to respite? I s there a support network or prayer group you can talk to? Can someone at least watch the kids for you to get some rest? If you just need someone to talk to or cry to who is not going to be judgemental you can call me at ANY TIME day or night. I am a good listener. Friend me on Facebook Shon T. Ross and I can message you my phone number. I will be praying for you. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDelete@Shon...AMEN sweetheart!!
ReplyDeleteAnd @GB's Mom....Amen to you, too!! If you can't put a name behind your post and stand up then your comments and name calling take no credit.
I'm still up for meeting 1/2 tmw or you are welcome to come here!! You know when I go back to work. ;-) Love you darling!
You are LOVED mama! I love you - just some random person who has been where you are and has felt those same feelings. You are so not alone!!! <3
ReplyDeleteYou ARE so strong. Strong for caring about your children, for trying to reach out to your husband. Strong for sharing this on your blog. You CAN overcome this! Many have been in emotion where you are now. Me included. (((((HUGS))))))
I am another trauma mama that is more than happy to friend you on facebook: Meaghan Munroe Primm and will gladly be a call buddy if you'd like.
Praying for you my friend! <3
Kathleen took the words right out of my mouth. I look forward to meeting the mama who taught me how to survive this with humor and that it was ok to laugh even though...
ReplyDeleteYou are in my prayers tonight. Hugs and love to you sweetie. <3
Btw, responding from my phone might list this as anon. I am not ashamed to list my name -Becky.
I'm not the ANON from the earlier comments...I'm an ANON who GETS IT. And I am praying for you right now. That you would know God does NOT think you're a **** up. He knows you, every single mistake you've made, he knows your heart and how you went into this sucky, trauma filled situation with nothing but the best intentions and it's eating you up. He LOVES you. LOVES you!! He will not let your foot slip on this stone if you fall hard into Him. I'm praying HARD for you, for your husband who is broken too and for your kids. You are LOVED. It WILL get better. I have BEEN there...so close to thinking the whole world was better off without me. God used it to build sympathy in me and so many other things and I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE. You are BRAVE to share this here. PRAYING MORE now. Please know us trauma mamas all over EVERY WHERE are here for you. HUGS
ReplyDeleteI'm going to show up as anonymous, but I'm a friend of Kathleen's. You are not a failure. You are feeling trapped. Parents of kids of trauma become traumatized by their own children. It is a horrible circle. You see, as a mama of a trauma kid, I've been there too.
ReplyDeleteThere have been times when my own husband has been depleted and felt trapped that he has been unable to offer up any support to me. There have been times when I have tired of being the famiy cheerleader, therapist, maid, breadwinner, and the list goes on.
Anyone who has not parented a child of trauma has no idea how difficult it can be, what a thankless job it really is. You are loving a child that is a cross between a porcupine and a badger.
Hold on. Leave the house for a while and go somewhere that usually brings you peace. If you can do it for a day, great - if not, do it for however long you can. You are depleted and you somehow need to find a way to refill yourself so you can go on. Take care - Sincerely, MissB
Oh no.Don't tell me my comment didn't post.Wanted to say that I wish there was some way you could rest a while.And that I wish hubby would be willing to go for counselling with you.The last thing the kids need are parents who aren't on the same page.You are very strong.Strong for staying on this miserable earth when you came so close.Praying for strength and some sort of resolution.As you said, the children need you-damaged as they have been by their pasts.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't sound like you are a bad person, it sounds like the enemy is working to make you believe you are a bad person. There is a difference between being a "bad" person and people/surroundings getting you to think you are a bad worthless person. Don't buy into the lies.. that is exactly what satan would want you to do. He'll play "head games" with you. Put your armor on and let every dart that gets thrown your way bounce off.
ReplyDeleteIf you are also dealing with RAD, then you will frequently be made the scape goat and you will be attacked and blamed quite a lot. It can make one feel inadequate and "bad". It is designed to put the blame, pressure, and inadequacy on someone else regardless if they are responsible or not. It helps those who do that cope with life they cannot cope with. You need to remember that is not God's work.
Do not let people or your surroundings change or mold your perception of yourself. Do not believe the lie that you are a bad person. That lie is designed to destroy you, not build you. Immediately, start thinking good things about yourself and ask God to send you calm, happy thoughts from Him and for Him to block those thoughts which want to destroy you.