Some random thoughts after my meltdown this weekend.
I think that those who have never dealt with suicidal ideations long term have no idea how it works. For crying out loud those who have had their own have no idea how it works for me. We are so individually different. For me, what I dealt with on Saturday is mostly my life. It comes and it goes. Saturday was just a particularly rough day, an end to a rough week, and I was spent. I also choose to blog about it when it was RAW and very UGLY. These are thoughts I live with. Sometimes they come every month, other times they only visit once every few months. Who knows? Certainly not me. I get these thoughts, meltdown and it is typically over within hours. Honestly, it sucks. It is something I know well. But the next day seems brighter, I am proud of myself for slaying the demons and I continue to live my life.
Help. Getting help. I seek help many ways and through many avenues. I don't feel the need to share that here or lay out my "schedule". That is not what this is about. This is therapy for me as much as I hope it helps someone else later. For goodness sakes, I hope it helps me later and it has in so MANY instances. While I appreciate your cries to "get help", and I truly mean that, I take issue with some comments that I need to seek help to find a "cure" or that I should've been "well" before I had my kids. That makes me physically ill. Why? I don't think I will ever escape this demon. I have survived these thoughts because I am here! That does not mean that I will never think them again. I don't believe therapy, counseling, medication, etc will ever make them fully go away. They are a part of me as much as my left arm. I can learn to deal with them and I have. I have a bag of tricks. Thankfully Saturday's version of that trick bag including spewing it onto the blogger screen in order to get it out of my head. Unfortunately for you, you had to witness the ugly.
There are several people I will have to look in the eye and know that they read that post. I will stuff the shame that offers me and know that I did it to escape the thoughts, to give them a voice. I will do my best to not feel anything but a flawed human when I meet them and hug their neck for the first time in a five short weeks. I will revel in their care for me and in their understanding of difficult lives. I know we will cry until we laugh and laugh until we cry and I cannot wait! (In two and half weeks I will sit with the best friend I have ever had and soak in her understanding and her love!)
Just because I am a master of keeping all this inside does not mean that I have in any way shorted my kids of a parent. I am there for my children. I am present. I am positive and I am kind and thoughtful. They have no idea of the storm raging in my head some days. There are only a few select people who know and understand a glimpse of that storm, and ONLY because I have shared it, not because they have witnessed anything. I am no different from you with the exception of ugly thoughts that creep in privately.
As for the fact that I should not have my children, you make me ill. My children are a gift from God. I adore my children more than myself. I do not have to be well to be a wonderful mother. I will no longer acknowledge those comments and they will be deleted. My children have saved me, you could not be farther off base.
To the person who is local. I am not sure if you are anonymous or not, Lord how I hope not. If you would, please let me know (privately) who you are so I can stop freaking out. I would really appreciate it.