Let me explain something to you anonymous. I am very, very adept at hold things in. The entire time that I was having my own personal meltdown, my kids were completely oblivious. My daughter was napping, my younger son was playing his handheld game and my other son was watching television. I did not cry in front of them, I never raised my voice and I even made them dinner and finished some laundry. I hold EVERYTHING inside which is probably the problem.
While I am well aware that I put my shit out here for everyone to read and that opens me up for anonymous commenters to read my drivel and make their own observations. But you don't know me or my ability to parent my kids. You have no idea what happens in my home beyond what you assume from reading here.
Thanks for your kind words. I do understand where you are coming from, but I do not create or live in a toxic environment. I am an expert in making things appear perfect even when they are far from it. I learned it from my mother.
I am trying to be completely honest in this forum because it helps to get it out there. It helps to say what I cannot to anyone else in the world. (well, I can to one darling friend) It helps to say it instead of act on it. It is not for attention, it is so I can see where I have been and PERHAPS help someone else think they are not alone in feeling some of the same things.
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"I do not create or live in a toxic environment" - I beg to differ, because you are obviously adversly affecting your husband - he sounds like he is pushed to the edge. He sounds like he is done riding this roller coaster, and that's why he only NOT SAID ANYTHING, but also WENT TO BED.
ReplyDeleteAnd you say the kids are oblivious - but you yourself admit that you 'learned it from your mother' (how to 'hide' things).
Child are not completely stupid. They 'feel' things, they KNOW you are not okay.
Even if they are 'unaware' (I believe that they know there is something 'wrong' with you) - would it hurt for you to go and get help?
Why are you making excuses?
You NEED help! So why don't you go and get it?
You honestly sound like an alcoholic who argues to the dealth that they NEVER put their children in harms way when they left them alone to go get booze... But often the children DO feel scared, and admit it when they are asked.
Getting help will not harm anything, not getting the help you need may wreck your marriage, and maybe even your family.
By not getting the help you so desperatly need you are teaching your children that it is not okay to get help. You are teaching them that it is not allowed. What kind of lesson is that?
As for your parenting... Do you really think you are being the best parent you can be in your present frame of mind?
When a person drives while using a cell phone they have a higher rate of accidents. Why? Because they are distracted... Their attention and energy is elsewhere.
Stop lying to yourself that you are keeping things together at home.
Stop lying to yourself that your children are not affected.
Your own mother greatly damaged you, and you are continuing the cycle.
GET THE HELP YOU NEED - for the good of the chilren, your husband, and your family.
Ask your husband if he thinks you need a little extra help... If he is honest he might say something to the effect of he is sick of going around the same circles with you, and how there is nothing he can say, because you will just be right back on the suicide run...
What is the harm in getting help? You are obviously in great distress!!!!
Comments carry a lot more weight when they are backed up by an identity. Anonymous comments are unowned and therefore of questionable value. I, personally, put thought into my comments and want people to know where they come from.
ReplyDeleteI want to make it very, very clear that your children are NOT fooled. Have you ever walked into the room and felt that something was 'wrong'?
ReplyDeleteHow do we recognise sarcasm? The TONE and body posture tells us...
In the last post you even admitted that you were not the parent you should be? So what changed between that post and this one, just hours apart?
It is natural to want to defend yourself. It is natural to try and argue that you are not damaging your kids. That is a very natural reaction, because you are already worried that you have failed at these things. To feel better you need to convince yourself that the children are not affected by your mental state...
But don't fool yourself. The children see it. It is in your posture, your energy lever, your responces...
The children know. GET THE HELP YOU NEED.
Good point about creating a profile so that my comments may be taken more seriously. I will look into that. Thanks:)
ReplyDeleteYou assume many things. How do you I am not seeking help. How do you know I have not actively sought help this very evening? As for your comment that my husband is tired of talking me out of suicide, he has not. W have only had this discussion twice before. He does not know the extent of how I think. No one does. As for the comment about my mother damaging me . . . that was a good one. I laughed out loud. You think you know me, but you have NO IDEA.
ReplyDeleteHonesty can make people so uncomfortable. Its why most of us learn to hold everything in. :(
DeleteI hope you can just ignore all the negative comments, full of judgement. Don't feel you have to justify yourself to anyone. You are loved. You are so not alone in your feelings. But you ARE so much braver than many of us, who say nothing and suffer. I admire your honesty and your willingness to be totally open. <3 Thank you for you!
~Meaghan Primm (posting as anonymous as otherwise it automatically was posting as my husband) :)
I wanted to make the offer again that if you want first hand accounts of children that grew up with depressed Moms (even with mom's that were sure that the children never knew because they hid it), and the effects on the children that I would be happy to send you a list of resources. I know you might not be ready to face the reality yet, and that it is okay. Let me know when you are.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever watched Dr. Drew's lifechangers? I watched an episode today (don't know if I will ever see one again, but that is a different story.). Anyways, there was a woman on there who was a mistress. She had convinced herself that no one was being harmed. The level of delusion was apparant to everyone but herself (and those who are in the same situation that are also manipulating the truth to feel better about themselves).
I know you are hurting. I know you want to believe that you are 'functioning' and no one else is getting hurt/you are not affecting anyone else.
Your husband has a lot to deal with. Add to that a wife that is depressive (even if you don't discuss it with him, he is being affected. Again, I can send you a lot of resources concerning this).
I hope you are strong enough to face the truth, and see what you are doing to the people around you. I watched my best friend grow up with a Mom who thought she was hiding her suicidal ideology... She was sure that the children were not being affected (that is what she told herself, because the truth was too hard to bare). My bf would attest to the fact that it was hell. On everyone. And it blew up (story for another time).
Getting well is going to be a process. I do regret that children are involved.
I know others will support you - say it isn't your fault, but usually those people are in the same position as yourself, so they are simply telling you what they themselves want to hear. They rationalize your situation as well as their own.
Please get the help you need. Because your children are worth it.