As soon as I posted what I did earlier this evening I considered deleting it. I should've never posted it.
I knew that the way I felt would subside. I would be reminded of my love for my children and my husband. I knew that my husband would ponder what had happened and come down and tell me that he understood and he loved me. I knew he would comfort me. I knew that I would be okay. I knew the thought of self harm was fleeting and I would be able to keep that at bay and let it pass.
What I needed to do for myself was document what I was feeling in that moment. Perhaps it would be to go back and understand how I felt so the next time wouldn't be so damn scary. Perhaps someone, somewhere would find it and know they are not crazy.
The comments by anonymous truly helped me see that I am not as fucked up as I think. The way anonymous viewed me through my own words is not what I know in my heart. I KNOW that my children were not affected by tonight. I KNOW my mother did not damage me! (good Lord, that one makes me laugh) If anonymous knew the relationship my mother and I have it is utterly laughable!
My first thought is to be ashamed. Ashamed that I let all that fall out of my mind and spill onto the page. Ashamed that I felt the way I did. Ashamed I admitted it to you and to myself. Ashamed that I did not let it pass in that bathroom and stuff it back down inside, telling myself that I am acting foolish.
This has been a difficult week. The fact that I am not willing to blog about a couple different incidents should tell you how bad it has been. I will not apologize for sharing what I did. It is me. All of me.
I considered blocking anonymous comments, but truly what would that do. Anyone can create a google account and post comments under that name. I could be Robert F Kennedy if I wanted to be. Just because I have a google account as Sojourner Truth doesn't tell you who I am. I welcome your comments. For the most part you have been respectful even if you have been misguided. You are welcome to your opinions. In fact, they make me feel better about my life because I am not nearly as jaded and accusatory as you . . . and that is saying something.
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All the more reason why I love you so much!! Dear Lord.....I swear we were twins and/or sibs that were separated at birth.
ReplyDeleteHow many weeks?
How many days?
How many hours?
While I was working today and dealing w/some very heavy BS from customers/passengers...I reminded myself over and over how many weeks and days until the 2 of our families meet-up.
Then...I reminded myself how many weeks/days after that meet-up that we will meet-up again...and lord have mercy did I ever grin. Shortly after that the BS ramped up again, cops were involved, and I sat there waiting for them to arrive only to say to myself...3 more weeks...and then 11 days after that!!
((((LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU))))
You have written about how your mother makes you feel (Sept 7, 2011 "My mom and I are tight, but like I said before she is a trigger. She also has OCD and anxiety, but rarely admits it and prefers to live without medication.
ReplyDeleteShe needs medication.
When she is unhappy she takes it out on me and my step-father. Stressful situations are ugly".).
I think you need to admit that you are worse off than you want to admit.
I know you have sought some help. And I am not saying that others do not go through what you do. But it is affecting things, probably more than you know.
I know you are trying hard to cover it up - to make yourself feel better - to defend yourself to others out on the internet.
The bible says:
The wounds of a friend are faithful.
Several others also told you to go and get help.
PLEASE stop the merry go round.
You need to change things, or you are just gonna keep hitting this wall.
And honestly, the kids have more figured out than you think.
I know you want to pretend that this crisis has passed. Did you know that some serial killers and rapists feel incredibly guilty after they commit their crimes? They SWEAR they will never do it again... But then a triggers comes and...
ReplyDeleteAccording to your logic (taken to an extreme, I admit) they should just tough it out.
You will hit this wall again, unless you change something.
I know you and your Mom are close, but it doesn't mean it is a healthy relationship. (Not that anyone is perfect!).
It doesn't matter if I think you are "fucked up" - I am sorry that you feel you are not. I will tell you don't have to live this way for the rest of your life. But you need to admit you have a problem, and get help.
I am sorry that you think you are not affecting your children. Again, you sooooooooo remind me of an addict argueing that they are in control...
Nice shot at the end. Was that to make yourself feel better? Because what you admitted in this responce, several times, is that you feel better because you did not agree with what I was saying... And because you feel better than me because you are not jaded and judgemental...
Why not go and get help? What would it hurt? I think you are now trying to disguise what you really feel - and that is understandable - it hurts to have someone - even someone nameless- call you out. Especially when they are confirming what you already know - you need mental health help.
It is scary.
Did I say you are a raving lunatic who might massacre someone? NO.
What I am saying is that you have patterns which are not healthy, and are harming your life, and the lives of the other people in your house. You can deny that all you want - lets agree to disagree on this point.
(But I can send you a TON of literature on this subject if you want - children who are raised in a depressive home - you commented on Foster Parenting Adventure on this exact subject!!!!!).
You want us to say that you are innocent and it will pass etc. Support IS important. A lot of people have showed their love for you today.
So take that love, and go and get help. LONG TERM help.
The place you are in will take time to get out of, there is no easy fix.
I did overstate how your husband must feel -but even if you have only discussed it twice (doubtful, and I can point it out on your blog if you want), your 'mood' which you don't think affects anyone probably has worn on him. He knows you are not a 'happy' person - and it is probably really hard for him.
And I too would 'make peace' after a while with someone that threatened suicide - I wouldn't want to feel the guilt if they went through with it either. Plus I am sure other things happened in between that we, your readers, are not aware of.
What did Eve and Adam do in the garden when they 'got caught'? They ran, and then they covered up.
Your honesty on this blog is amazing. Good for you to share that you are really struggling. A lot.
What I am suggesting is that you break that cycle, and find joy, peace, and love. Sometimes it is a drug that happens to work for you, sometimes it is exercise or painting....
Do you know the definitiion for insanity??????????????????????
I am so thankful that you posted that. I wish I had this type of outlet for when I'm in that place. It's helps me know that I'm not alone. I wouldn't ever be brave enough.
ReplyDeleteAnd, again, anon is trying to make some good points but is hurtful in the process so thank you for having thick skin and ignoring those who can't even identify themselves.
I am so thankful you didn't delete that post. It's important to be honest about what we deal with so we know we aren't alone. Living with a mask in order to avoid the anon's of the world just ain't worth it. Keep posting about the reality, its good for you and good for us. Thank you Ms. Truth!
Would it matter if I had a name? Like Sojourner Truth? Just call me Tellit Likeitis.
ReplyDeleteThere. A name.
I think sometimes we need to be hurtful to get the point across, because otherwise the person will refuse to see the truth. I agree she got defensive and refused to admit that things are pretty rocky for her and she should really find some professional, long term, and intense help... But if we all just 'support' her and tell her it is okay for her to feel that way, then she will never be pushed to the point of change. And if she doesn't change, the cycle repeats.
Again, insanity (according to Einstein) is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.
I am sorry that she thinks her mental problems are not affecting those around her. That's the part I greive over.
You are a nice person, Truth, with a lot to give. But this mental illness is kicking your ass. Like an addict you can not truly see the impact it is having on those around you. Did you know that a lot of alcoholics truly believe that the only person they are hurting is themselves? And that their children can not tell if they are drunk or high? Surprisingly, the kids DO know when Mommy is 'not right'.
You may think you are a savant at keeping it inside, but I don't think so.
And even if you are, is that healthy? Is that a good lesson for your children? Granted, it is probably better than you directly telling them, on multiple occasions, that you want to kill yourself.
You need to see a professional about medications and coping stratedgies. You probably need a lot of intervention to honestly get better and then ENJOY life - look at the majority of your posts!
I fully expect some 'awesome' posts in the next few weeks - like a honeymoon period in an abuseive relationship. You will need to 'prove' that you are okay. It was only fleeting...
The thing is that is not fleeting. It is always there, under the surface.
You deserve help. You deserve happiness.
What is stopping you from getting intense help?
Truth,
ReplyDeleteI will try not to comment for a while after this - but wanted you to consider another analogy:
If someone has a wound that will not heal, it just keeps opening up, and seeping... (And even begins to stink!)... It is not getting better on its own, in fact, it seems to be affecting more and more area. It increases the chances of infection, or blood poisoning. But the person refuses to get medical help. They figure it is no big deal because they can basically still carry on with their lives, and they have a band aid on it, so it is all good, right? And they are not affecting anyone else but themselves, right?
Sometimes the wounds that will not heal are mental. Sometimes we need a little help to control or even 'cure' that wound.
There is no shame in getting help.
Help yourself, and help your family. You are worth it.
(Do it for your kids.)
Here's a laugh for the day. :)
ReplyDeletehttp://www.shoeboxblog.com/?p=29204