rough

I have hit a rough patch. The eldest has some services that he really enjoys that ended yesterday. He will no longer have that weekly one on one time out of the house with someone who kinda gets him who is not his parent. I foolishly thought it would be an ok transition, but boy was I wrong.

All hell has broken loose in the behavior department. He is foul. He is grouchy. He is angry and spiteful. He is refusing to following any sort of direction and instead just looks at us when we ask something of him. At the non compliance is quiet, right? That's something. I need to find something that is the bright side.

If I am honest with myself, I think it is a combination of things, the services being stopped, the ear infection, the weather and it's crazy mood swings and his birthday is upon us. Friday is also the full moon, so mix all that together and cook for 15 minutes and you have a recipe for disaster!

This is common. This is something we routinely do. The ups and the downs are a part of our existence. I am trying to understand how we as parents react and how it all reflects back to my OCD and anxiety.

Last night I got irritated with the constant bickering. I decided to just give up and go to bed. This in turn irritated my husband who was also at his limit in the bickering department. We snapped at each other. I snapped at the son, the dog was under my feet and I lost my cool. The husband yelled at me, then blamed the son for the irritability in the house, then I yelled at him for yelling at the son. He yelled at me for yelling at him for something I did first.

Ugliness.

It was over within about 10 minutes. A couple slammed doors and a glare or two thrown in for good measure. I may have even hollered my patented, "Grow the hell up" to the husband. It was not one of my banner moments.

We both realized how ridiculous it all was about 10 minutes later. We c lamed down, realized it was stress that pushed us over the edge and apologized to one another and the boy. We attempted to explain that this sometimes happens when people are constantly pushed to "the edge", but of course it won't make a difference the next time.

I understand he has issues with cause and effect. He has no concept of consequences, I am the grown up and I need to get over it. The progress I have made is that I can move on from this fairly easily. A while back, I would hold this tight. I would comfort it, I would blame myself and I would beat myself up over it. I am trying to learn to let it go. I figure if I can learn to let it go now, perhaps I can graduate to letting it go before it even gets to this point! I am trying to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. This is where I would spiral into self hatred and ugly thoughts of negative self worth because I lost my cool and made a mistake.

It is all a process. I am trying.

Today it is working. I must keep reminding myself that I am so easy to forgive others, I need to give myself that same forgiveness.