Monday, December 7, 2009


I have always been suicidal.

Even when I was child I can recall wishing I would die at different times of my life. I have no fear of ever actually doing anything to end my life, but I wish for it. There are times that I pray for it. I hope beyond all hope it happens. I will stand on the side of the road waiting to cross the street and think about what would happen if a car hit me. When I am driving alone I will pray that a semi coming from the other direction will hit me. I don't want this to happen for sympathy, I want it all to end. I want the pain to be over. I want to feel peace. Until last week I had only shared this with one person, my husband. (Clarification, I don't feel I will actually take my life because 1. I don't believe I will go to heaven and 2. I will not do that to my children which is also why I would never take a risk with my kids in the car or wish that with anyone else in the car.)

I have always thought that a lot of my issues stem from my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. My OCD is more obsessive than it is compulsive. I do some compulsive things like counting, cleaning and organization, but mostly it is the worrying, ruminating, stressing, order, etc. Because things cannot always go right, in the real world, I stress. I fret. I worry. I will NOT let things go. If I have an issue I need immediate resolution. I need solutions. I need a game plan. If you cannot give that to me right NOW I get frustrated.

Thank God medication helps. Medication nearly completely takes care of all the compulsive things. The obsessive things wane and ebb. The ruminating is gone most of the time. The stressing and other things tend to rear their ugly heads more often than not but are much less with medication. I can get myself in such a downward spiral that it is difficult to climb back out. That is typically where the suicidal thoughts come in.

A couple weeks ago it was as bad as it has been in the many years that I have been medicated for the OCD. I was just in a bad place. Nothing really had triggered it that I can think of, but it was not good. I was pissy, angry, and started fights. I wouldn't let the arguments go. Once I get something in my craw, there is not letting up. I can realize this, I can see the progression, but there is no stopping it. My husband is a saint for putting up with this behavior. It is almost a self fulfilling prophecy. I think everyone is mad at me, and I make it happen by acting like a jerk. I was feeling all the old feelings and praying life would end. Begging God for an accident. Praying for anything to stop the pain I feel and the constant whirling, thundering, roaring frustration in my head.

Last week I opened up to a blog friend what I felt. God almighty smiled on me that day and she understood. Not only did she get it, she had been there. It was perfect timing. She happened to ask me how I was while I was sitting in my chair at work with tears just streaming down my face and I decided to tell her exactly how I felt. What a relief. I had no idea that releasing that would not bring shame, it would bring relief. I had a great night at home with my family. They noticed the difference. The weekend was fantastic. Things were looking up, I think talking about it released me. I broke it's grip on me by speaking about it.

Monday I had a productive day at work. Monday night it hit. I was tired. I could not wake myself Tuesday morning. I was unable to hold my eyes open. I slept 20 hours on Tuesday and 18 hours on Wednesday. It was not the sleep of depression. I think my body was healing. Letting go of the stress allowed my body to relax and get some much needed down time. It was glorious. I have had a completely different outlook on life this past week.

So, I decided that I would share with another friend I met on the internet. I told her I was embarrassed. She chastised me about my embarrassment and told me that "we all have issues" and I shouldn't be ashamed. She actually gave me some suggestions for activities that would help own my feelings and release the stress. Wow. Now I was on a roll. This felt great.

I don't know what has come over me. I shared with someone in real life. She is someone I feel I can confide in. It was awesome. Each and every time I spoke of it, I felt more chains falling off me. It was as though I was taking charge. The very next day, someone else told me that they were struggling. This person is more than an a acquaintance, but not someone I would call "friend". She is fabulous. I like her but we just don't have that relationship. When she shared with me, I really felt led to tell her my issues. I did. You know what? She just looked at me with unbelieving eyes. She was astounded. We have the very same issues! When she was telling me how she sometimes felt, I was finishing her sentences. I really fell like she was placed in my life so that we can support one another. Had she made that comment to me a week ago, I would not have opened up with her the way I did. God's timing amazes me. He placed these wonderful, understanding women in my life so that I could begin a journey and get me to a place of partial healing that I needed to open up with the perfect person. I am amazed. I am blessed that I can be of support to someone and be supported by the same person who really "gets it" because she lives it.

Don't be concerned. I do have an appointment with a psychiatrist. I am becoming a patient of my son's awesome doctor. I figured what better way to have someone understand our home life than to see the doctor who knows exactly what kind of stress we have at home. I think it will be good. I am open to different medication or a medication increase. I will do anything that helps.

So my fear? That YOU will think I am nuts. That YOU will think I am not being a good mother with my issues. I am afraid to put myself and my issues out there. So why am I doing this? More healing for one, but first and foremost, because I know first hand the stress relief that immediately came when I realized I was not alone.

You are not alone.


  1. I agree that shame is a very heavy burden to carry. I wonder how many other women are carrying the shame of this secret.
    I think that now you don't have to expend so much energy to cover it up, you can spend it on healing. God bless you.

  2. I don't have much time to comment at the moment, but I just wanted to say I have been there. Reading your story, was like reading my life. Thank you for is so easy to forget that other people struggle as well :)

    I look forward to reading!

  3. Thank you.Does OCD exist on a continuum because I'm seemingly on the wrong on of the obsessive scale.I wonder.I hope this journal will give you the release you need.All the best with your next appointment.And rest assured,you won't find any judgment from this reader.I may not have any serious disorders that wreak havoc on my life.but I did in the past and am certainly no judge.God bless

  4. Realizing that you are not alone is very self empowering. Many years ago I joined Al-Anon and it was such a relief to realize that I wasn't alone and that I wasn't crazy for loving an alcoholic. Someone shared in the first meeting that I never had to be alone unless I chose to be. It was like a window opened and the light shined upon me.

    May this be your window and your light.
    Love and hugs,

  5. I so get what you say about wanting to just be done but also wanting to go to Heaven and not wanting to leave your children behind. Some days, it hurts to simply breathe. My daughter is in Heaven, and I want to be with her but I too believe that to commit suicide, I would risk not being with her. Or, at the bare minimum, I would have to take the time in purgatory to work through my problems or live out my life as long as it would have been naturally, until I could be with her. Plus, my husband, my children, my family and my friends would be left behind. Add to that, gosh darn it, there's a lot more of this world that I want to see, photograph and steal flower seeds from! I've been on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety for about ten years now, plus. You know you've done some livin' if you spell Xanax correctly! (No, that's not what I'm on, that is dangerous long term but I do know what it's like to ration them out in times of high, high stress.) I hope you feel supported via your blog and IRL (in real life, if you're new to this bloggy thing). We, as a society, have got to move past the discrimination those of us who deal with mental health issues face in the insurance world, job world, etc. Glad you found this venue to share and to be heard. My blog is my online therapy...there's nothing like hearing from someone who doesn't sympathize but they can empathize.