swirly twirly

Thanks to all of you who have commented.

I started this journey thinking that I would like to share these things so that I could feel better. It started on Lisa's blog when I asked her if she would consider posting "taboo" for me so that I could do so anonymously. A comment on Lovely Lisa's blog got my mind stirring and thinking about reaching out to others. They asked if I would consider opening a blog to give voice to these kinds of feelings. The comment also read, "The hardest part of being a mother is how we feel we have to be strong for everyone else even while we may be tortured inside. God has given everyone a purpose, and God knows we need each other, God Bless you."

So very true.

I feel like a failure for feeling the way I do.

For me, part of the issues I deal with tend to wane and ebb sometimes very quickly. I have always referred to it as "swirly-twirly" emotions. Let me try to explain.

Yesterday we got some news in the mail. It is concerning a topic that I feared would be addressed before the end of the year. My husband is a "it-will-be-fine" person. He refuses to think negatively. He will not concentrate on what-ifs. I have to have a game plan. I not only have to know where I am going, but I have to know a game plan for any detours that may spring up along the way. I have to have a plan, a back up plan and a contingency plan. I have to know it will be alright. Not just that it WILL be alright, but HOW will it be alright. I am actually getting a little anxious just typing about it. That is how I tick.

It drives my husband batty.

I had feared this news would be coming down the pike. It has the ability to be disastrous for us. When I came home and saw mail opened, I knew it must be bad. The husband never opens mail unless the return address is something particularly important. So there it was. This piece of paper from this source that had the possibility to ruin not only my night, but my world. I actually got sweaty, my face got hot and my heart began to thump in my chest. I started to breathe funny. Before I even read the letter, I knew it had to be BAD.

Turns out, on a scale of 1-10 it as a 1 on the disaster scale. It was NOT good news, in fact I KNEW this was going to happen and I told him so for the last several months, but it was not too bad all things considered.

Here's where the swirly-twirly comes in. I go from "Oh man, that's actually really good news. It is proactively attempting to solve the bigger problem and in the mean time we are being minor-ly affected. Wow, it really is good news I guess! " and immediately I switch to "Holy Shit! What are we gong to do!? This really sucks! Wow, this is really gonna hit us hard" then I can realistically sit and think about it and calm myself down and I go back to "Ok Sojo, you can handle this! This is not as bad as it could be. You are blessed that it wasn't worse." About an hour later it hits me like a ton of bricks and I think, "Crap! I don't know what I am going to do! This could have horrible consequences" until I talk myself back into "It's better than it could be."

See, swirly-twirly.

This is what I do all the time.

With medication I can usually hide most of this inner struggle. With medication I don't freak out and call my mom crying and slobbering. With medication my husband does not want to toss me out the window. With medication I may need a few acknowledgments that everything will be fine and will work out in the end. I only ask for reassurance about every hour with medication. Without medication? It is not pretty.

I am not joking. Boy, am I a joy to live with or what?