Sunday, December 27, 2009


So we, my husband and I, fought once again on a holiday. I suppose it was technically the day after the holiday. We always seem to fight on special days.

I think it probably the crazy, hyper kid behaviors that throw us over the edge. Or maybe not since I can recall fights on those days since before we had children. Maybe it is my expectations for a perfect holiday combined with differing routines that throw us into grouchy, defensive fools.

This year it was definitely triggered my the special needs child's behaviors and then rolled into a bitch fest of epic proportions. It careened like an out of control car late into the wee hours of the morning and finally came to a screeching halt when I fell asleep in mid pissyness.

What scares me most about these fights is that I am less and less emotional. Don't get me wrong, I can yell profanities and bitch with the best of them, but I feel like I have less and less to get worked up over. Why does that frighten me? Well, if I am losing my emotions I worry that I don't care as much. I also worry because apathy means that the medication is working too well. And if the medication is working too well, why and I feeling these pangs of suicidal thoughts.

The husband is one that when he tires of an argument it is over. We don't need to speak of it anymore. I am in the camp that an argument happened for a reason. If you don't resolve anything or find out where it came from then you are doomed to repeat it. I struggle with that. I need resolution and he needs it to be over. How do you meet in the middle of that? I feel like if we don't get to the bottom of the problem that I am just living on pins and needles until it happens again.

Perhaps I am being too hard on myself. I don't know. We get through each and every time, but I get less and less worked up. I fear that I am becoming less invested. Perhaps I am just living and learning and moving on quicker. I would just really like to look back on holiday pictures without remembering the arguing.

I do know that I love him with all my heart and I am invested in making this marriage better. I just need to make myself better too.


  1. Oh, I can feel the pain in your writing. I wonder how you would answer this question:

    What is the purpose of life?

    I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts before I found an answer and believed it. And I agree that apathy is worse than sadness. BTDT

  2. Ah man, this post is breaking my heart.I wish I knew the answers.Maybe someone who reads this/comes across it will have some wisdom to share.Ho does HE (hubby) feel after these blowouts?