Wednesday, December 9, 2009

religous journey

I became a christian in middle school. I began attending an evangelical church and was there several days a week for services and activities. I was a good girl. Probably due to my OCD (undiagnosed at the time) I was always fully aware of my choices and the consequences that would occur if I was caught doing something I knew was wrong. For the most part, I made good choices. My high school career was pretty uneventful. I didn't drink or smoke or do drugs. I was the goody-two-shoes of my friend group.

College brought with it a whole other set of circumstances, but for the most part I was a good kid. I lost many a boyfriend because I refused to "put out". I always told myself that if they were not okay with my choices they really didn't need to be in my life. At the time, I chalked my choices up to religion but as I look back on it now, I think it was more consequence driven. I didn't want to live with the consequences of actions that I knew were wrong. I was a virgin the day I married my husband.

As I grew up, I came to the realization that the people of the church made me question my religion. I saw so much bigotry and hatred in these christ-followers that I turned from the organized church. I became bitter at their ignorance. I became frustrated with their judgemental attitude. But I really must say that I never became bitter with God. I sought God.

I have always prayed to God like a child would talk to their parent. I have never prayed a formal manner. My God finds me where I seek him. I don't need a go between, I don't need a fancy routine, I simply speak to my Lord. We chat. I sometimes whine. I tell Him my frustrations. I tell Him how I am feeling. I beg for peace. I ask why His followers are so cruel. I apologize and I ask forgiveness.

Over the years I have sought to find a church that doesn't speak politics from the pulpit. I have sought to find a church that does not judge people for their choices. I have sought a church that values diversity and yet preaches the truth. I am still seeking that church. I have come to the resolution that all churches will be inherently flawed because we as people are flawed. I just need to find one that I can live with the foibles. I am on a journey to that end. I really just need to avoid the people and be fed by the word, but I yearn for support and encouragement from other believers that are not judgemental.

I fear opening up to other Christians for fear I will be chastised for my depression and suicidal thoughts. I am not sure that is something I will share. I was not diagnosed as OCD until I was married. I sought the advice of a christian psychologist because my marriage was falling apart. I was terribly difficult to live with with undiagnosed OCD, depression, crazy behavior from being on birth control and learning to live with a new husband. This psychologist told me I just needed to trust God. (She also told me that my husband was dangerous and I would be dead within a year, but I digress. We have been married many years and are quite happy for the most part) The next psychologist I went to recognized my disorder and made me understand my fault in all the mess I created. I am so thankful she listened and "got it" instead of just telling me to pray harder.

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