I thought I would answer two really good questions from the last post. I feel like I am showing exactly how whacked out I am in these posts because I am striving to write them during the emotion. I want to be transparent for you and for me. When I go back and read them I think, "Wow, it really isn't that bad!" But when you are there in the middle, it feels that way. I suppose that is the purpose. To work through the emotion, through the issue. But man, I seem so messed up in the process. This is hard for me because I really try so hard in real life to put on a brave front. I seem really well put together most of the time to the outside world. Maybe that is part of my problem!?
MomInTheTrench asked "What is the purpose of life?"
That's a rough one. I suppose if I go back to my christian roots and my beliefs I would say that the purpose of life is to glorify Jesus. The Bible says that if I don't praise Him the rocks will cry out. There is a much overused Christian saying that says, "Ain't no rock gonna cry in my place". While it is overused, I really like it. I was made in the image of God to glorify and praise my creator. I suppose if I used that as a gauge to judge my life I would be found lacking. Thankfully God mas mercy and grace. I need to remember when I am being less than kind to my children or my husband that God gave me a family and a purpose. That he will not give me more than I can handle. (Another overused Christian saying!) Sometimes I think God over estimates my ability, but that is when I should be leaning on Him and his strength. I suppose any other answer I may have to the question of "What is the purpose of life?" like raising my children well, showing kindness to others, living a life of peace and honesty, would all stem from glorifying a praising God. Because when I am doing those things I am also glorifying my creator. I have told my husband before that I know I am a good person, one deserving to live and be happy, but KNOWING it is far different than FEELING it.
I suppose I may be alienating some of my readers with this, but I am striving to be transparent. I must also say that while I believe that Jesus was born a child and died on the cross for my sins to save me, I realize I may not have all the answers. Some Christians would say that I am not a true follower since I have these suicidal thoughts. I have been hurt by many Christians as they have chastised me for my political beliefs, my open mindedness, my questioning, my belief that love knows no gender, so please don't lump into that category. I believe that salvation is for everyone and I have no place to judge anyone but myself.
Thandi asked "How does He (hubby) feel after these blowouts?"
The husband is an odd bird. Well, odd in my view, when it comes to these arguments. He processes the argument while we are in it. He doesn't mull over things or hold grudges. Typically he is over the argument before we are even done. This usually angers me for two reasons. I get worked up that he can turn it off so quickly and seem to just dismiss any issue like it is not important and I get jealous that I can not let something go that quickly. He never wants to revisit anything. Once it is over it is over. Usually he wants a hug or if we are in bed he wants to cuddle. "Oh hell, no. You are not holding me when we just argued for 3 hours!" is my typical response, but for him, it's over, move on with life.
I suppose I should feel blessed that he can get over something so very quickly. I think that his processing time makes me feel like he views the issue as not important. I feel like he is dismissing me. I need to constantly remind myself that he is doing what he needs to do in order to get through the issue and we are so very different.
I think it is worth mentioning that because we are so very different it does help in parenting our special needs child. Because his mind is constantly flitting from one activity to the next or one reaction to the next we can easily tag-team the issue. If one of us is dealing with a problem and we get fed up because the thought process is frustrating the other can usually come in "fresh" and deal with it easily. We do make a good team on most days.
I love my husband and I am certain I am loved beyond measure. It can just be so frustrating the way we react to one another and the stress of holidays.
Thanks for listening and asking hard questions that make me think! This is becoming more therapeutic than I had imagined.