My daughter is doing fabulously on her meds. She is patient and kind. The meds are doing a good job of keeping the rage and fits at bay. In fact, I am not sure that she has even argued with us in the time she has been taking them. The best part is that is really isn't altering her personality either. She is still the funny, witty, snarky kid she always has been, just calmer and definitely more pleasant. The school days have been wonderful. She has stayed on green on her behavior chart the last 4 days. Here's to crossing our fingers that it keeps working.
The only thing I can really complain about is her sleeping schedule changing. She tends to fall asleep by 7:00 nightly which is great, but she wakes up by 5:00 am most mornings. But a pleasant child is way better to deal with a 5:00 than a grouchy one at 8:00. So a plus in my book!
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
results
The psychiatrist was awesome with my daughter. I had never seen him with smaller children and he was a much softer, kinder man. He listened carefully to what I said and asked some thought provoking questions. He spent a very long time with us.
He is concerned about the OCD. He definitely agrees that she has quite extensive OCD and maybe even some attention issues. He is not ready to address the attention issues right away which I am totally okay with. He is however concerned about her mood swings and her tendency to rage (I think fit is more appropriate because I don't see them based in anger). He put her back on the Zoloft and added Risperdal. I freaked out about the Risperdal. It actually took my breathe away. I breathed and quietly asked the dosage. Knowing me as he does, he looked at me and said, "Now Sojo, I am not going to overmedicate a little girl. You must trust me." And with his wonderful accent and his warm eyes I knew I could trust this man with my daughter.
He did tell me that this will be a difficult case and may not find a quick and easy fix. I knew that. I just pray that the school hangs out with us. I have not been called since starting the new medications, but she has apparently not been stellar. (See there's that defeatist thinking of mine, I cannot just be happy that I have not been called and consider it progress and be happy, I have to have it all settled and perfection. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it right?) The case manager at the school was a little snippy with me today on the phone, but I think that may just be my own issues playing into her abrupt nature. She did say she was speaking with the school psychologist about what they can do to structure her day better so I suppose that is a good start. ( Here again is where I freak out that they will be discussing her and what to do and I cannot be there. Instead of looking at it like a positive thing that they are brainstorming I have to mourn the fact that it even needs to be happening. This is how my mind works folks. It's like a constant battle with myself)
At home. We have seen massive progress. She has had little fits, that she recovers quickly from. She is handling dissappointment well. Bedtimes are a breeze with the addition of Melatonin. She knows the medications are helping her "do the right thing" and she is pleased she is doing well. We spent most of the night Friday and part of Saturday shopping with my mother and she was awesome! If we could get school under our finger we would be all set! (once again, can't accept one positive without thinking of a negative)
So, why am I feeling the way I am tonight? I feel trapped. My stomach is tense for no apparent reason. I feel stressed. I have been so productive for the last few weeks and now I feel like a blob. I have no motivation. I feel like I am freaking out about something but I can't remember what it is. Strange. Maybe I am just dealing with a culmination of all this stress. I am tired but I don't want to go to bed. It is almost as though I am looking for something to ruminate over. It is like I am looking for closure or something. I am paging through things in my head thinking about if they warrant worry or not. I pray this passes. I really don't want to spend my week like this.
Come on spring. I need to see your cheery face.
He is concerned about the OCD. He definitely agrees that she has quite extensive OCD and maybe even some attention issues. He is not ready to address the attention issues right away which I am totally okay with. He is however concerned about her mood swings and her tendency to rage (I think fit is more appropriate because I don't see them based in anger). He put her back on the Zoloft and added Risperdal. I freaked out about the Risperdal. It actually took my breathe away. I breathed and quietly asked the dosage. Knowing me as he does, he looked at me and said, "Now Sojo, I am not going to overmedicate a little girl. You must trust me." And with his wonderful accent and his warm eyes I knew I could trust this man with my daughter.
He did tell me that this will be a difficult case and may not find a quick and easy fix. I knew that. I just pray that the school hangs out with us. I have not been called since starting the new medications, but she has apparently not been stellar. (See there's that defeatist thinking of mine, I cannot just be happy that I have not been called and consider it progress and be happy, I have to have it all settled and perfection. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it right?) The case manager at the school was a little snippy with me today on the phone, but I think that may just be my own issues playing into her abrupt nature. She did say she was speaking with the school psychologist about what they can do to structure her day better so I suppose that is a good start. ( Here again is where I freak out that they will be discussing her and what to do and I cannot be there. Instead of looking at it like a positive thing that they are brainstorming I have to mourn the fact that it even needs to be happening. This is how my mind works folks. It's like a constant battle with myself)
At home. We have seen massive progress. She has had little fits, that she recovers quickly from. She is handling dissappointment well. Bedtimes are a breeze with the addition of Melatonin. She knows the medications are helping her "do the right thing" and she is pleased she is doing well. We spent most of the night Friday and part of Saturday shopping with my mother and she was awesome! If we could get school under our finger we would be all set! (once again, can't accept one positive without thinking of a negative)
So, why am I feeling the way I am tonight? I feel trapped. My stomach is tense for no apparent reason. I feel stressed. I have been so productive for the last few weeks and now I feel like a blob. I have no motivation. I feel like I am freaking out about something but I can't remember what it is. Strange. Maybe I am just dealing with a culmination of all this stress. I am tired but I don't want to go to bed. It is almost as though I am looking for something to ruminate over. It is like I am looking for closure or something. I am paging through things in my head thinking about if they warrant worry or not. I pray this passes. I really don't want to spend my week like this.
Come on spring. I need to see your cheery face.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
scared
I am scared. I have not posted much about lately, the business of life you know. But, recall when my daughter was diagnosed with OCD and I was very happy that the medication seemed to be working? Well, it was not. I take that back. It was amazing at home. She was calm and pleasant and peaceful. School was another story. She carried on like a banshee. It was as though a witch flipped and all the negative behaviors that we used to see at home changed to school.
The teacher was convinced it was the medication. I was afraid that we began a new pattern of behavior. She was running around the room, throwing herself on the floor, refusing to do what was asked of her, hiding, screaming, telling adults "No!", you know, acting like a maniac. I was actually called several times and had to even go get her once.
Initially the pediatrician agree to cut the dosage in half. No change. We then started giving the pill at night when I take mine. No change. I gave up and took her off it about 3 weeks ago. Her crazy-making behaviors started up again at home after about 3 days. She is obsessively counting again, and her anxiety shot through the roof. The fits. Lord have mercy, the fits. If anything is perceived as injustice, or if something does not go as she has imagined, all bets are off. Last night she wallowed on the floor of a local buffet because they did not have peeled shrimp. She also ran from me and hide in a booth because it was time to go home. When she runs she gets this kind of crazed look on her face and laughs maniacally. It is sort of frightening. We are managing. The school behavior is still not very good. She is sent to the office for time outs, but she is not very cooperative. They are working with me, knowing and appointment is coming soon.
I had an intake appointment with my son's psychiatrist for myself today. I decided two weeks ago to give the appointment to her. I am slightly sad about that, as I have waited nearly 4 months for the appointment, but I am doing better and she is in dire need right now.
Last week I was at the school for the afternoon observing and I noticed that the room is terribly disorganized. The kids do not have a coat closet so their coats hang on the back of their chairs. There was coats all over the floor. The teachers stuff was everywhere and you had to step over coats or piles to get from one place to another. I know this throws my OCD for a loop. I am wondering if this has an effect on her as well. I also have concerns that the teacher has missed TONS of time lately. She either has a full day sub or severlal half day subs each week. I love the teacher, but wonder if this is the culprit behind the fits. She needs routine, and if she has random teachers throughout the week this could be a problem.
So, the appointment is today and I am afraid. I am afraid that the doctor will say she is fine and it is our parenting that needs help. I know that my family has a background of OCD so I hope this comes into play. I hope he agrees with this diagnosis. I hope he has a plan for treating this whether it be meds or not. I just need a plan. My OCD figures into this because I want to fix it and can't. I am also afraid that he will think it could be something else along the lines of a personality disorder and wants to put her on some mood altering drug. I am not sure how I feel about that because of her age, but I want her to have the best possible chance at peace.
On a brighter note, I have started her on Melatonin at night for sleeping and it is a God send! It works fabulously. I just put her on Omega 3 hoping that it will provide a bit of peace and calm to her demeanor. If it doesn't work for that, at least I know it is "feeding her brain" and it is something that is good for lifelong health. I am also beginning to utilize strong sitting more often, I just need to remember to do it. I want to make it a bonding time and do it with her face to face.
I do trust this doctor and I hope I can simply make it through today and get this next step over with. Maybe I need to take a time out and do some strong sitting!
The teacher was convinced it was the medication. I was afraid that we began a new pattern of behavior. She was running around the room, throwing herself on the floor, refusing to do what was asked of her, hiding, screaming, telling adults "No!", you know, acting like a maniac. I was actually called several times and had to even go get her once.
Initially the pediatrician agree to cut the dosage in half. No change. We then started giving the pill at night when I take mine. No change. I gave up and took her off it about 3 weeks ago. Her crazy-making behaviors started up again at home after about 3 days. She is obsessively counting again, and her anxiety shot through the roof. The fits. Lord have mercy, the fits. If anything is perceived as injustice, or if something does not go as she has imagined, all bets are off. Last night she wallowed on the floor of a local buffet because they did not have peeled shrimp. She also ran from me and hide in a booth because it was time to go home. When she runs she gets this kind of crazed look on her face and laughs maniacally. It is sort of frightening. We are managing. The school behavior is still not very good. She is sent to the office for time outs, but she is not very cooperative. They are working with me, knowing and appointment is coming soon.
I had an intake appointment with my son's psychiatrist for myself today. I decided two weeks ago to give the appointment to her. I am slightly sad about that, as I have waited nearly 4 months for the appointment, but I am doing better and she is in dire need right now.
Last week I was at the school for the afternoon observing and I noticed that the room is terribly disorganized. The kids do not have a coat closet so their coats hang on the back of their chairs. There was coats all over the floor. The teachers stuff was everywhere and you had to step over coats or piles to get from one place to another. I know this throws my OCD for a loop. I am wondering if this has an effect on her as well. I also have concerns that the teacher has missed TONS of time lately. She either has a full day sub or severlal half day subs each week. I love the teacher, but wonder if this is the culprit behind the fits. She needs routine, and if she has random teachers throughout the week this could be a problem.
So, the appointment is today and I am afraid. I am afraid that the doctor will say she is fine and it is our parenting that needs help. I know that my family has a background of OCD so I hope this comes into play. I hope he agrees with this diagnosis. I hope he has a plan for treating this whether it be meds or not. I just need a plan. My OCD figures into this because I want to fix it and can't. I am also afraid that he will think it could be something else along the lines of a personality disorder and wants to put her on some mood altering drug. I am not sure how I feel about that because of her age, but I want her to have the best possible chance at peace.
On a brighter note, I have started her on Melatonin at night for sleeping and it is a God send! It works fabulously. I just put her on Omega 3 hoping that it will provide a bit of peace and calm to her demeanor. If it doesn't work for that, at least I know it is "feeding her brain" and it is something that is good for lifelong health. I am also beginning to utilize strong sitting more often, I just need to remember to do it. I want to make it a bonding time and do it with her face to face.
I do trust this doctor and I hope I can simply make it through today and get this next step over with. Maybe I need to take a time out and do some strong sitting!
Friday, February 12, 2010
profound
I read the most profound blogpost today from a woman whose mother took her own life years ago. Today would've been her birthday. I was immediately touched by what Kristy said and I would like to leave it here. It is something I think I should read often. Thank you Kristy for sharing your pain, your revelations, and your grief. It has touched me deeply!
As much as it hurts to be without her, she taught me an important lesson. Though I fall short, my best is better than nothing at all. In the end, that was what I got as a kid, no mom. Even in my frustration and failure, I know that just my being here for my kids is something. My best is not perfect, but it is good enough. I was chosen for my children and them for me. I adore Howard and want nothing more than to be the best helper I can be to him and even when I fall short and lose my temper or snip at him, he loves me, and having me as a wife is better than going at it alone.
I fail. Every. single. day. I fail. My mom wasn't well enough to see that her presence was all that was needed, but because of her colossal mistake, I can. I can see it. Despite my shortcomings, my presence matters in this family. My kids love me, my husband loves me and my God loves me and that is enough. So for that lesson, I thank my mother.
Powerful! And so very needed.
As much as it hurts to be without her, she taught me an important lesson. Though I fall short, my best is better than nothing at all. In the end, that was what I got as a kid, no mom. Even in my frustration and failure, I know that just my being here for my kids is something. My best is not perfect, but it is good enough. I was chosen for my children and them for me. I adore Howard and want nothing more than to be the best helper I can be to him and even when I fall short and lose my temper or snip at him, he loves me, and having me as a wife is better than going at it alone.
I fail. Every. single. day. I fail. My mom wasn't well enough to see that her presence was all that was needed, but because of her colossal mistake, I can. I can see it. Despite my shortcomings, my presence matters in this family. My kids love me, my husband loves me and my God loves me and that is enough. So for that lesson, I thank my mother.
Powerful! And so very needed.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
medication
I have been doing well lately. So well in fact that I really haven't had any issues with my depression or even my OCD. But I can feel the stress welling up inside me. I am trying to stave off the ruminations, but I fear they are getting the best of me. I suppose it is time to double my dose and self-medicate for a few days. (not sure if that actually works, but it makes me feel better)
The stress? My daughter. If you recall she was diagnosed as OCD shortly before the new year. We saw a change in her behavior within a week. Her anxiety levels went way down and she stopped throwing fits all together. We had always thought that her fits were just of the stubborn, strong willed child variety. The more I watched their beginnings, the more I realized that they were caused by the anxiety of things not happening as she pictured them, not necessarily because she did not get her way. The clinging to me that she had always done really began ti dissappear as well. She was happy, pleasant and compliant.
The problem was that as we saw her make such progress at home, she began acting out at school. In the classroom she always pleased her teacher. She did tend to talk too much or without raising her hand, but she was a helper and a pleasant student. Recently she has beagn to be ugly and defiant. She refuses to do what she is asked. Will not sit where she is asked to sit. She even left the room without permission. It is as though her behaviors flipped. Good at school, rotten at home to good at home, rotten at school. I even received a call from the assistant prinicpal this week. Not good.
I decided to try taking her off the medication. She was great the folowing day in school. The problem was that I began to see her anxiety ramp back up. I knew it was something I could deal with, I mean we have been dealing with it for all this time, but I didn't want her to have to deal with it. I did not want her to live the childhood I did. The anxiety, the worry, the stomach aches, the counting, the ruminating and all the rest. I called the pediatrician and he assured me that she needs medication and I should try half the dosage for a week. I am okay with that, but I want to make sure she is behaved at school.
The BIG stress is that he mentioned he was concerned that sometimes anti-depressives in kids tend to unmask other issues. He fears that it could be unmasking some manic behavior. He was very careful to tell me not to fret and that it was just a fleeting thought that crossed his mind, I am freaking out. When I mentioned this to my mother, she said she had thought the same thing when it ame to my daughter. Ack!
So now I am praying that this dosage works and I do not have to face the possibility that psychiatrists and more labels are in our future. And I really need 2 pills tonight!
The stress? My daughter. If you recall she was diagnosed as OCD shortly before the new year. We saw a change in her behavior within a week. Her anxiety levels went way down and she stopped throwing fits all together. We had always thought that her fits were just of the stubborn, strong willed child variety. The more I watched their beginnings, the more I realized that they were caused by the anxiety of things not happening as she pictured them, not necessarily because she did not get her way. The clinging to me that she had always done really began ti dissappear as well. She was happy, pleasant and compliant.
The problem was that as we saw her make such progress at home, she began acting out at school. In the classroom she always pleased her teacher. She did tend to talk too much or without raising her hand, but she was a helper and a pleasant student. Recently she has beagn to be ugly and defiant. She refuses to do what she is asked. Will not sit where she is asked to sit. She even left the room without permission. It is as though her behaviors flipped. Good at school, rotten at home to good at home, rotten at school. I even received a call from the assistant prinicpal this week. Not good.
I decided to try taking her off the medication. She was great the folowing day in school. The problem was that I began to see her anxiety ramp back up. I knew it was something I could deal with, I mean we have been dealing with it for all this time, but I didn't want her to have to deal with it. I did not want her to live the childhood I did. The anxiety, the worry, the stomach aches, the counting, the ruminating and all the rest. I called the pediatrician and he assured me that she needs medication and I should try half the dosage for a week. I am okay with that, but I want to make sure she is behaved at school.
The BIG stress is that he mentioned he was concerned that sometimes anti-depressives in kids tend to unmask other issues. He fears that it could be unmasking some manic behavior. He was very careful to tell me not to fret and that it was just a fleeting thought that crossed his mind, I am freaking out. When I mentioned this to my mother, she said she had thought the same thing when it ame to my daughter. Ack!
So now I am praying that this dosage works and I do not have to face the possibility that psychiatrists and more labels are in our future. And I really need 2 pills tonight!
Sunday, January 17, 2010
take heart
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Today I sat in church and listened to a sermon. It was a sermon that I needed to hear. I hope you will bear with me as I try to write out my notes and my feelings on the message I heard. If this is not for you, feel free to skip this entry.
I started this blog because of my need to have an anonymous place to express the feelings and the depression I have felt for most of my life. I believe that most of what I experience is due to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The need for order and routine sometimes overrules my logical mind and I become depressed and feel as if there is nothing that can pull me out of that downward spiral. Most times I can recognize that I do have positive things in my life, but there are those times when the knowledge of those things is overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness and despair. It is during these times I tend to sabotage any efforts made by others to help and tell myself it, or more likely I, am not worth it.
Today in church the pastor talked about the phrase that Jesus used "take heart". It was a phrase he used often. I immediately identified with it because I have often said, "I may know it in my head, but my heart doesn't feel it". He then continued with how exactly we can "take heart".
The first thing was to CLING to what we believe. The verse above, John 16:33, assures us that we WILL have trouble. It is what we believe about our trouble that can make the difference.
1. we need to remember that God is never the author of trouble. God promised us in John 10:10 that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." When I am in my funk, I need to remember not to lash out at God, for He is the one that gives me life and more abundantly.
2. We need to remember that adversity will never come in an amount we cannot overcome with God's strength. This is that over-used saying that is "God will not give me more than I can handle" but with the added bonus of "with His strength" which so many tend to forget.
3. Jesus promises to be available to us. We are not alone. In those times that I feel so very alone and so distraught that I wish for a bad car accident, I need to hold to the fact that Jesus is not only WITH my but AVAILABLE to me. Psalm 34:18 says "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I like Psalm 22:24 that says, "
For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."
4. God will not only take us through the pain, but he will also overcome it and form something good out of the pain. We will be stronger for the adversity. We may reach someone else who is going through the same thing. God will provide a way! Romans 8:37 promises us " No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. "
He then spoke about how we grieve and that when David lost his son, he "walked toward hope". He cried all that he could cry, and then he relied on the promised that he will see him again. The final point was who you lean on. Yes, we can lean on Jesus, but having someone "with skin on" is important. At this point, you all (and my husband) are who I lean on. So thank you.
Today I sat in church and listened to a sermon. It was a sermon that I needed to hear. I hope you will bear with me as I try to write out my notes and my feelings on the message I heard. If this is not for you, feel free to skip this entry.
I started this blog because of my need to have an anonymous place to express the feelings and the depression I have felt for most of my life. I believe that most of what I experience is due to my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. The need for order and routine sometimes overrules my logical mind and I become depressed and feel as if there is nothing that can pull me out of that downward spiral. Most times I can recognize that I do have positive things in my life, but there are those times when the knowledge of those things is overwhelmed by the feeling of helplessness and despair. It is during these times I tend to sabotage any efforts made by others to help and tell myself it, or more likely I, am not worth it.
Today in church the pastor talked about the phrase that Jesus used "take heart". It was a phrase he used often. I immediately identified with it because I have often said, "I may know it in my head, but my heart doesn't feel it". He then continued with how exactly we can "take heart".
The first thing was to CLING to what we believe. The verse above, John 16:33, assures us that we WILL have trouble. It is what we believe about our trouble that can make the difference.
1. we need to remember that God is never the author of trouble. God promised us in John 10:10 that "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." When I am in my funk, I need to remember not to lash out at God, for He is the one that gives me life and more abundantly.
2. We need to remember that adversity will never come in an amount we cannot overcome with God's strength. This is that over-used saying that is "God will not give me more than I can handle" but with the added bonus of "with His strength" which so many tend to forget.
3. Jesus promises to be available to us. We are not alone. In those times that I feel so very alone and so distraught that I wish for a bad car accident, I need to hold to the fact that Jesus is not only WITH my but AVAILABLE to me. Psalm 34:18 says "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." I like Psalm 22:24 that says, "
For he has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one; he has not hidden his face from him but has listened to his cry for help."
4. God will not only take us through the pain, but he will also overcome it and form something good out of the pain. We will be stronger for the adversity. We may reach someone else who is going through the same thing. God will provide a way! Romans 8:37 promises us " No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. "
He then spoke about how we grieve and that when David lost his son, he "walked toward hope". He cried all that he could cry, and then he relied on the promised that he will see him again. The final point was who you lean on. Yes, we can lean on Jesus, but having someone "with skin on" is important. At this point, you all (and my husband) are who I lean on. So thank you.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
good
All is good here. I know I haven't posted in a while. It has been a little crazy around these parts. I am trying to pull myself out of the winter blues and I think I am managing quite nicely. The holiday fever has died down and the kids are in a good routine.
My special needs child is not doing so well at home. It seems when his behaviors amp up at home he does really well at school. I see that echoed in several other regular blogs I read. I kind of like that though since I have no control over what happens there, I feel like I would rather have him behave there otherwise I fret over trying to fix it. Truthfully I cannot fix it and then I worry. Home behaviors have been ugly and I fear it is partly my fault (as I always do) because to be honest right now I really don't like him. I love him with all my heart and don't regret a minute of our decision to adopt him, but wow, he isn't very pleasant to be around most of the time. I have to change my attitude and fake it. I know it is cyclical and once I play the game for a while, he will come around and be the lovable, funny, child I know and DO like. I just get so down on myself when I feel this way. Any of you experience this?
It seems my daughters foray into psychotropic drugs may be paying off. Her fit behaviors have significantly lessened already and I am pleased with her much more calm demeanor. I have not heard her habitually counting in a few days. And she has not mentioned something not being FAIR (followed by a melt down) in a couple days. I hope that we continue to see progress and she can break free from the chains of OCD that I suffered unknowingly from for so long.
I cry for those in Haiti who already have so little. I am truly blessed and it is unfortunate that it takes such a tragedy to remember that. Lord, bless those in that region and help us remember to be thankful.
My special needs child is not doing so well at home. It seems when his behaviors amp up at home he does really well at school. I see that echoed in several other regular blogs I read. I kind of like that though since I have no control over what happens there, I feel like I would rather have him behave there otherwise I fret over trying to fix it. Truthfully I cannot fix it and then I worry. Home behaviors have been ugly and I fear it is partly my fault (as I always do) because to be honest right now I really don't like him. I love him with all my heart and don't regret a minute of our decision to adopt him, but wow, he isn't very pleasant to be around most of the time. I have to change my attitude and fake it. I know it is cyclical and once I play the game for a while, he will come around and be the lovable, funny, child I know and DO like. I just get so down on myself when I feel this way. Any of you experience this?
It seems my daughters foray into psychotropic drugs may be paying off. Her fit behaviors have significantly lessened already and I am pleased with her much more calm demeanor. I have not heard her habitually counting in a few days. And she has not mentioned something not being FAIR (followed by a melt down) in a couple days. I hope that we continue to see progress and she can break free from the chains of OCD that I suffered unknowingly from for so long.
I cry for those in Haiti who already have so little. I am truly blessed and it is unfortunate that it takes such a tragedy to remember that. Lord, bless those in that region and help us remember to be thankful.
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