eureka

I think I have figured something out. You see, I work closely with my mom. She is my boss. We have a good relationship, but it was not always so. She is OCD and it wasn't until I was diagnosed that she even realized she was too. She says she is "too old for medication". I laugh at that. She thinks she is too old to change her ways now. Secretly I think she likes her ways, and the thought of changing them gives her the creeps. I see now that our difficulties when I was growing up was due to the OCD combination between us.

Don't get me wrong, we didn't have that bad of a relationship as a youth. We just butted heads . . . a lot. I see things as a whole, so toothpaste in the sink and a few hairs in the sink don't bother me. I worry about the toilet lid down, the shower curtain closed and the light off. I see it as a whole as I am walking out. She frets over the tiny stuff. It CANNOT be left alone. It MUST be done. This kind of stuff drove her nuts when I lived at home.

Our working relationship has always been strained. She is the head honcho. I am basically her assistant. She frets that other will think she is favoring me so she overcompensates the other way. I get the brunt of all her frustration. I don't get any tact. She treats me like a daughter and not an employee. I suppose that is par for the course. I have accepted that and moved on. We do well together. Work gets done and things run very smoothly. I make up for the fact that she is a crock-pot and has to mull things over since I am definitely more of a microwave!

The change from a mother-daughter relationship to a friendship came with the birth of my children. I saw a whole other side of her and I think she gained more respect for me as well. I tease her that if she irritates me I will keep the grandbabies from her!

For the most part this works for us. It is the darker times that I have issues with her and she with me. This week is extremely stressful at work. She is overworked and relies on me heavily this week. Today she did something that I saw in a different light.

I was working on a project that had nothing to do with this week, but needed to be done. She called from her office and asked what I was doing. I answered. She said, "Do you have to do that now." I answered affirmatively and told her that a particular person needed it. She made a noise. It was a noise I recognized as not only curiosity but one of unbelievability. My hackles instantly raised. I knew what was coming. She questioned me again. I asked her if there was a problem. She said she wasn't sure if I was doing something necessary or not. This is typical as she thinks I sit around with my finger up my nose and thinks everyone assumes I get paid because I am her daughter and I do nothing.

Honestly it pissed me off. It nearly sent me over to the other side of the fence. I am a grown woman, with children. I have worked here for 2 decades and do a fine damn job. My reviews are always top notch and I am efficient and productive. Here she was questioning what I was doing as if I was a four year old hiding and eating cookies before dinner.

I began to see how my mom's issues and my issues combine and send me reeling. I began to think about adopted siblings and how their issues can trigger the others. I cannot help but wonder if this last episode was brought on not only by this week, but her and I's issues I knew would be coming, as well as the full moon. Yikes. The trifecta of ickiness!

Do you think I am sorting through these things differently since I am putting them on paper so to speak? If so this is wonderful therapy!

spunky

Today I am feeling spunky. Thank God for spunky.

I am feeling more like myself. I know that I am teetering on the edge and I could find myself on the wrong side of the fence at any time, but for now, I feel good.

The weekend holds promise. I have yard work and some maintenance to do on the house. I love that work so because I can look back and see what has been done. I like to see things completed. I think it stirs my OCD and helps me check one more things off in my mind. I like to feel my muscles ache and feel the sun on my face as I do something beneficial for my family. It makes me feel needed.

My husband has been very kind these last few days. I am not sure if he reads here, I know that he knows it exists. Like most women I tend to share everything with him, and like most men he probably realized this dark period was coming long before I did. He is kindhearted and going through his own difficult time as he tries to break a cycle of insomnia. He has been understanding of my tones and harsh answers and really made an effort not to respond negatively.

My youngest son on the other hand is not happy with me. I didn't realize how much these times effect him until today. I know I am more "snappy" than usual, but I think these times make me more affectionate too as I try to hold my kids longer and show them more love. They make me feel better. The snappiness has hurt him this time as he is growing older and becoming more aware of situations around him. He said, "I wish I could've gone to school without seeing you this morning".

Wow. I asked him why and he said, "You are grouchy to us when you are in a hurry and I don't like it." I sat down to his eye level and took his hands in mine. I apologized. I told him adults make mistakes just like kids and I am not perfect. I told him that I was grouchy, but that was no excuse to make him feel badly. He said, "That's okay mommy, thanks for saying sorry" and hugged me.

It caused me to check my frustration. It caused me to take a look at how I was effecting others. It caused me to take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and smile at the new day.

So that's where I am. Making the most of each second, keeping my dear boy's words in my head. Right now I am on the right side of the fence.

Thank God for kids and their honesty.


P.S. Joe, thanks for the kind comment! Please share your blog when it is up and running. It is so nice to hear over and over that my feelings are not isolated! Thank you for your strength! (I read your wife's blog too!)

tears

I feel like I am whining. However, yesterday I received a comment from Kari that thanked me for helping her understand what it is like living with mental illness. So, perhaps my goal of not only helping myself vent but also touching others who may feel the same or know those who do, is working. So I shall continue.

Last night at home was pretty uneventful. The previous evening I had argued with my spouse and I had done so in front of the kids, which I hate. We don't yell and scream, but it was obvious we were not happy. My husband and I have come a long way. I like to yell, curse and I throw things. I love to throw things! I like to see them break. I no longer do those things, partially due to medication, but mostly because of the children. Sometimes I think it has to do with age and a resignation of sorts that I don't have all the answers, and the less we argue, the less I have to feel badly about. I takes more energy to rehash things than to just stuff them inside and deal with them once the emotions have taken a back seat. And it usually much more efficient too.

Today the tears have come. I have cried three times at work today. I hate being wrong, and worse yet, I hate being right and being told I am wrong. The feelings of inadequacy and being a failure rear their ugly heads. I don't like to make waves during these times. My natural personality is one of deep determination. I am quick to make decisions and quick to find an efficient way to get things done. I am an organizer, I like seeing things fall into place. Once I get my mind set on something there is nothing that will stop me. I can be brutally harsh and have dogged determination when I know there is an injustice that needs righted. I can be a real bitch and it tends to get things done! When I am in the place I am currently, I have none of that.

I fall back into a meek childlike state. I worry that everyone is against me. I hate being corrected and feel like an utter failure that someone had to take time out to fix something I have done. I apologize to everyone. I feel like everyone is scouring each and every thing that I do. I then get irritated with my self which helps to compound the failure feelings. I can see as I type this how it feels like a never ending spiral and why.

That is where the crying begins. I tear up over everything. I get corrected, I tear up. Someone asks a simple question and I assume they are criticizing and I tear up. I think about all the rotten things I am going through and I tear up. I get pissed at myself because I KNOW this is not my typical personality and it causes me to tear up. The pity feelings start and it is all over.

I think this is where the suicidal thoughts come in. After days of this thinking and crying over every. little. thing I get so defeated and just plain tired of feeling like this. This does not happen every time. Sometimes I can pull myself out of this way of thinking. Sometimes a kind word from a coworker or a compliment by someone who is completely unaware of the situation will pull me right out. Sometimes it is my children and their love for me that does it. Sometimes it lasts a little longer and I fall into despair that takes a long while to crawl out of.

This time I will not let it go there. This time I am trying to think through my feelings. I am trying to take a look at my motives and my failings. This time I will win. This time I will get myself back faster and better than before.

This blog will help.

Thanks for listening.

valley

Perhaps I spoke too soon. Yesterday was not a good day. I get in these places where I feel that everyone is at war with me. I feel as though I am under attack, that each and very gaze from someone is pointed and harsh. I know deep down it is my own issue, but how to combat this eludes me.

I am tired. I am not sleeping well and I should've known something was coming. I am wondering if the full moon has anything to do with this downward spiral I seem to be in, or if it is just coincidence.

It is during these times that I take everything to heart. Any kind of comment is dissected and sorted and made to be something it is not. I feel inadequate and therefore become defensive. If someone comments that I should be careful, I am taken aback that they do not trust me. If someone offers common sense advice I feel as though they think I am too stupid to understand it without their prodding. If someone walks by me without speaking, I feel as though they are being rude and I have done something wrong.

My mood and the way I see things alters my conversations. I get a sharp point about my voice. I answer quick and harsh. I tend to avoid eye contact. My smiles are forced and closed-lipped. I seen irritated and frustrated. People ask me if I am feeling well. They say I look tired.

It is during these times that I feel like I am a failure. I feel like I am unable to make those around me happy when it is truly myself that I am unable to make happy. I am weepy and feel flush. I hate my reflection. I feel frumpy and flustered.

It is days like today that I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to shut down my "real" blog and never write again. I want to drown my sorrows in Tequila and peanut butter cookies. It is times such as this when I want to scream at my husband to just leave me and never come back. I feel unlovable and woefully inadequate. I feel like there is too much to da and not enough hours in the day.

Writing this has made my hands shake and my brow hot. My vision is swirly and I feel dizzy. My heart hurts in my tight chest. My breathing is a little choppy. I can see all this for what it is. I can understand it is not good. I can see where I want to be. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. Not right now. It is times like this that I pop an extra med at night, whether it helps or not, it makes me think it does.

I will be okay. I have been here many times before. It is interesting to me that I am realizing it for what it is much sooner than I have before. I am able to process it and think through it far easier since it is still in it's infancy. Maybe I can reason my way out of it before I hit bottom and bounce back to the top.

I'll keep you posted.

slacker

I am back. I am not sure if I have any readers left, but here I am. I suppose it is a good thing that I have not blogged, since the fact that I have not felt the need to do so means that I have been in a really good place. The sun is shining and I have been spending time outside with the kids. Sunshine is an amazing medication.

The daughter update. She is doing very well. We have increased the Risperdal and changed the Zoloft to bedtime. We were finding that she was falling asleep in the afternoons. Her behavior in the afternoon's at school was still not very good, and I think she was simply tired. I take my Zoloft at night because it tires me as well. I have seen very few fits at home, and she is much more pleasant in general.

Spring Break was a real trial of the medication. The thought of being with her 24 hours a day for 11 days straight was a stressor for me. I was concerned that we would have fits and drama. She was AWESOME! She was kind, patient, loving and cooperative. She was so much fun that I felt bad for worrying about it. We vacationed with my parents and she stayed with them in their place nightly. She was a complete joy to be around. It was a huge success!

What I love most is that she is proud of herself. Her self esteem is growing and I love that she is happy. I see so much of myself in her six year old mind that I am pleased she is getting some peace.