Mistakes. We all make them. I will admit one of my biggest character flaws. I am a screamer. It releases something inside me, like steam escaping a teapot. I try really hard to contain it, but I make many mistakes. I believe I has also told you that I am a thrower. I love to throw things when I am angry. I love to see things break. That I have mastered, I no longer throw things so there is hope.
The past few weeks we all have been really sick. It started with a round of strep, then a sinus infection ran through us. We have been dealing with upset stomachs due to antibiotics along with going through boxes and boxes of tissues for nose blowing. The coughing is unbearable and I even lost my voice. It has been a rough winter.
The stress has made me super on edge. I lose my cool much easier than normal. If I am getting ignored or if I have to ask a child something more than a couple times I lose it and HOLLER. I hate repeating myself so if I feel like I am not being listened to I lose it and I SCREAM. Trust me, after years of working with 40+ schoolagers in a big gym, I can raise my voice when I need to, so I am LOUD.
This weekend I noticed my daughter SCREAMING in this guttural tone. It was me. Totally me. I felt awful! I knew she was just doing what she learned. She was mostly screaming when her brother was bothering her. I also heard her say, "I just said that! I don't want to say it again." Woah.
It is those times that being a parent and making mistakes hit you square in the gut. I knew that I had impacted her in such a way to showed her that yelling like that was acceptable. Last night at bedtime I explained that I realized she was screaming more and that she sounded like me. We chatted and decided we would begin to remind each other that screaming is not acceptable. I told her we all make mistakes and we need each others help to do the right thing. I told her she wasn't correcting me, but helping me remember and I would do the same for her.
Let see if it helps us both.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
rough
I have hit a rough patch. The eldest has some services that he really enjoys that ended yesterday. He will no longer have that weekly one on one time out of the house with someone who kinda gets him who is not his parent. I foolishly thought it would be an ok transition, but boy was I wrong.
All hell has broken loose in the behavior department. He is foul. He is grouchy. He is angry and spiteful. He is refusing to following any sort of direction and instead just looks at us when we ask something of him. At the non compliance is quiet, right? That's something. I need to find something that is the bright side.
If I am honest with myself, I think it is a combination of things, the services being stopped, the ear infection, the weather and it's crazy mood swings and his birthday is upon us. Friday is also the full moon, so mix all that together and cook for 15 minutes and you have a recipe for disaster!
This is common. This is something we routinely do. The ups and the downs are a part of our existence. I am trying to understand how we as parents react and how it all reflects back to my OCD and anxiety.
Last night I got irritated with the constant bickering. I decided to just give up and go to bed. This in turn irritated my husband who was also at his limit in the bickering department. We snapped at each other. I snapped at the son, the dog was under my feet and I lost my cool. The husband yelled at me, then blamed the son for the irritability in the house, then I yelled at him for yelling at the son. He yelled at me for yelling at him for something I did first.
Ugliness.
It was over within about 10 minutes. A couple slammed doors and a glare or two thrown in for good measure. I may have even hollered my patented, "Grow the hell up" to the husband. It was not one of my banner moments.
We both realized how ridiculous it all was about 10 minutes later. We c lamed down, realized it was stress that pushed us over the edge and apologized to one another and the boy. We attempted to explain that this sometimes happens when people are constantly pushed to "the edge", but of course it won't make a difference the next time.
I understand he has issues with cause and effect. He has no concept of consequences, I am the grown up and I need to get over it. The progress I have made is that I can move on from this fairly easily. A while back, I would hold this tight. I would comfort it, I would blame myself and I would beat myself up over it. I am trying to learn to let it go. I figure if I can learn to let it go now, perhaps I can graduate to letting it go before it even gets to this point! I am trying to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. This is where I would spiral into self hatred and ugly thoughts of negative self worth because I lost my cool and made a mistake.
It is all a process. I am trying.
Today it is working. I must keep reminding myself that I am so easy to forgive others, I need to give myself that same forgiveness.
All hell has broken loose in the behavior department. He is foul. He is grouchy. He is angry and spiteful. He is refusing to following any sort of direction and instead just looks at us when we ask something of him. At the non compliance is quiet, right? That's something. I need to find something that is the bright side.
If I am honest with myself, I think it is a combination of things, the services being stopped, the ear infection, the weather and it's crazy mood swings and his birthday is upon us. Friday is also the full moon, so mix all that together and cook for 15 minutes and you have a recipe for disaster!
This is common. This is something we routinely do. The ups and the downs are a part of our existence. I am trying to understand how we as parents react and how it all reflects back to my OCD and anxiety.
Last night I got irritated with the constant bickering. I decided to just give up and go to bed. This in turn irritated my husband who was also at his limit in the bickering department. We snapped at each other. I snapped at the son, the dog was under my feet and I lost my cool. The husband yelled at me, then blamed the son for the irritability in the house, then I yelled at him for yelling at the son. He yelled at me for yelling at him for something I did first.
Ugliness.
It was over within about 10 minutes. A couple slammed doors and a glare or two thrown in for good measure. I may have even hollered my patented, "Grow the hell up" to the husband. It was not one of my banner moments.
We both realized how ridiculous it all was about 10 minutes later. We c lamed down, realized it was stress that pushed us over the edge and apologized to one another and the boy. We attempted to explain that this sometimes happens when people are constantly pushed to "the edge", but of course it won't make a difference the next time.
I understand he has issues with cause and effect. He has no concept of consequences, I am the grown up and I need to get over it. The progress I have made is that I can move on from this fairly easily. A while back, I would hold this tight. I would comfort it, I would blame myself and I would beat myself up over it. I am trying to learn to let it go. I figure if I can learn to let it go now, perhaps I can graduate to letting it go before it even gets to this point! I am trying to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. This is where I would spiral into self hatred and ugly thoughts of negative self worth because I lost my cool and made a mistake.
It is all a process. I am trying.
Today it is working. I must keep reminding myself that I am so easy to forgive others, I need to give myself that same forgiveness.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
obedience
I have lowered my expectations of obedience from the oldest years ago. I knew he would likely never be obedient. I know with the combination of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, moderate mentally handicapped and schizophrenia that we were going to have to have constant supervision. Why? He has the ability to harm himself or others by making foolish and impulsive choices. His mind is so consumed with what is happening and what he could be doing that is really doesn't leave much room for obedience.
What I am struggling with currently is that he really has no desire to please anyone. He does not WANT to do the right thing. As soon as he thinks your head is turned or you are emersed in something else he does something that is in direct opposition to obedience. It is foolish little things like blowing his nose in his hand when the tissues are right next to him or calling the dog when he knows he is not supposed to have him on his lap. He chooses to reach out his foot and purposefully trip his siblings right in front of us or blatantly lie about doing something we just saw with our own eyes. It becomes tiring. Tonight I told him to put down a pillow he was trying to hit the cat with and he looked directly into my eyes and tried to hit the cat with it as hard as he could all the while glaring at me. When I got up and went over to him he said, "What? I didn't do anything wrong."
He used to have some sort of willingness to WANT to do the right thing, but no longer. I hope this is a teenager/hormonal thing. It seems like it could be bordering on sociopathic to me and that scares me. I think the one thing that is holding him back is that he is able to show compassion and empathy and he truly likes to help, but this desire to please is lacking. I am hoping that it continues to be limited to us parents, and does not spread out into other aspects of his life.
What I am struggling with currently is that he really has no desire to please anyone. He does not WANT to do the right thing. As soon as he thinks your head is turned or you are emersed in something else he does something that is in direct opposition to obedience. It is foolish little things like blowing his nose in his hand when the tissues are right next to him or calling the dog when he knows he is not supposed to have him on his lap. He chooses to reach out his foot and purposefully trip his siblings right in front of us or blatantly lie about doing something we just saw with our own eyes. It becomes tiring. Tonight I told him to put down a pillow he was trying to hit the cat with and he looked directly into my eyes and tried to hit the cat with it as hard as he could all the while glaring at me. When I got up and went over to him he said, "What? I didn't do anything wrong."
He used to have some sort of willingness to WANT to do the right thing, but no longer. I hope this is a teenager/hormonal thing. It seems like it could be bordering on sociopathic to me and that scares me. I think the one thing that is holding him back is that he is able to show compassion and empathy and he truly likes to help, but this desire to please is lacking. I am hoping that it continues to be limited to us parents, and does not spread out into other aspects of his life.
hypervigilance
From Wikipedia,
Hypervigilance is an enhanced state of sensory sensitivity accompanied by an exaggerated intensity of behaviors whose purpose is to detect threats. Hypervigilance is also accompanied by a state of increased anxiety which can cause exhaustion. Other symptoms include: abnormally increased arousal, a high responsiveness to stimuli and a constant scanning of the environment for threatsHypervigilance, our traumatized kids have it. Unless I am totally unusual, I think all us mom's of traumatized kids have it too.
I LOVE my sleep. I go to sleep easily and return to sleep when woken very easily. It has always been a blessing. My husband struggles with sleep and my ability to sleep well irritates him. This week I have been having difficulty sleeping. My anxiety is definitely higher this week, but behaviors at home have been pretty mellow. The only reason I can put my finger on is that I am currently on a pack of prednisone (a steroid). It makes me hot, like internal fire combustion hot, it makes me STARVING and I am pretty sure it messes with my sleep. So my mind has been on over-drive while laying in the dark.
My husband got up at 5:30 this morning and I was awoken. Somehow within the next 15 minutes all 3 kids ended up in my bedroom. The eldest in a twin size bed that is in our room and the two smaller children in my bed with me. Even if I could have fallen asleep, which I was trying to do really hard, I caouldn't have rested well. I was so concerned that the eldest would awaken and do something to the smaller children. I live in hear that he will make a poor decision that will haunt me for the rest of our lives. I fear that he will either act out sexually or that he will get angry that they will not wake up and play with him that he will hurt them.
As I lay there trying to relax with an arm or a leg over the children so I would know if he moved them (he has tried to drag them out of our bed by their feet before) the word hypervigilance came over me. I became aware of the changes in my body. I was becoming extremely tense and a headache was starting. My legs were twitching and my mind was racing. I realized I kept scanning the room and trying to squint in the dark to make sure he had not moved in his bed. My hearing was heightened as I listened for his bed to make a noise and I realized I was holding my breath while I listened.
Living in an environment like this cannot be good. I have always realized the toll that constant supervision takes on us, but the hypervigilance adds another layer to that physically. What is the answer? I don't know. I suppose we have to change the situations that requires the most hypervigilance when we can. Thinking about it now, I could've woken the eldest and sent him down with the hubby and turned on my door alarm. He really needs his sleep, but it would've been a small price to pay for some much needed rest from the hypervigilance. I suppose I just need to be aware of what my body is telling me and trying to work the environment to make it better.
Monday, February 14, 2011
pain
My eldest is struggling with an ear infection. Not only is his inner ear inflamed, so is the canal. He does this thing which I liken to a dog scratching ear. His sitcks his pointer finger or his pinky in the ear and scratches up and down like 62 times. It looks very much like a dog scratching his ear.
He has always had an obsession with his ears. They are always itchy. Usually I can distract him, sometimes I cannot. When it get bad he almost always ends up with an infection in the canal from the scratching. The problem is he rarely knows when it hurt because he has very little pain receptors due to his Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. So by the time we notice lots of itching and some complaining the infection has taken hold.
The Hubby took the son to the doctor on Friday and the doctor was shocked by the amount of ear war packed into his ears. The ear drums were not even visible. She is doing a regimen of a couple different ear drops and a wax softener. Then a thorough cleaning will take place with the waterpik at the doctor's office on Friday. He is going to be less than happy.
The ear drops are a huge pain. He thinks he has to keep his head tilted for about 30 minutes after drops, so having to put drops in both ears takes a major undertaking. It is not fun.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the infection is so bad that he also has conjunctivitis in his eyes and 2 spots on his nose that I thought were simply bad zits is part of the infection as well so ointment for both was necessary. The doctor said she could not imagine how painful the infection was. In some respects it is nice to have lowered pain receptors in other ways no so much. Of course these lowered pain receptors don't help when his sibling bump into him or hit him with a stuffed animal, of course that hurts so terribly bad that he wants to beat on them!
I hope that we can get the ear wax under control so that he can be pain free whether or not he knows it.
He has always had an obsession with his ears. They are always itchy. Usually I can distract him, sometimes I cannot. When it get bad he almost always ends up with an infection in the canal from the scratching. The problem is he rarely knows when it hurt because he has very little pain receptors due to his Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. So by the time we notice lots of itching and some complaining the infection has taken hold.
The Hubby took the son to the doctor on Friday and the doctor was shocked by the amount of ear war packed into his ears. The ear drums were not even visible. She is doing a regimen of a couple different ear drops and a wax softener. Then a thorough cleaning will take place with the waterpik at the doctor's office on Friday. He is going to be less than happy.
The ear drops are a huge pain. He thinks he has to keep his head tilted for about 30 minutes after drops, so having to put drops in both ears takes a major undertaking. It is not fun.
Oh yes, I forgot to mention that the infection is so bad that he also has conjunctivitis in his eyes and 2 spots on his nose that I thought were simply bad zits is part of the infection as well so ointment for both was necessary. The doctor said she could not imagine how painful the infection was. In some respects it is nice to have lowered pain receptors in other ways no so much. Of course these lowered pain receptors don't help when his sibling bump into him or hit him with a stuffed animal, of course that hurts so terribly bad that he wants to beat on them!
I hope that we can get the ear wax under control so that he can be pain free whether or not he knows it.
Friday, February 11, 2011
the program
My son was accepted to a program at the beginning of last summer. The program is not necessarily designed for kids with significant mental impairments, but we qualified and I thought we could use a bit of assistance.
The program is designed to offer parents some support for behaviors that they are dealing with in their adolescents and offers the children some mentoring time so that they can learn some skills. It's main point is to help eliminate the need for residential treatment. Some of the benefits were supposed to be respite, transportation, community involvement, volunteering and some flex funds.
I had to choose a provider who handles all the bureaucracy. This person fills out reports, coordinates stuff and offers support to the family. They are supposed to organized meetings and provide some volunteering opportunities.
To make a very long story that spans 8 months short, our person sucked. Initially I thought that this person was simply overworked and was dealing with some transitions due to some massive reogranization in her department. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
She never really got it. I specifically picked her because of her background in dealing with kids with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Every time we would discuss some issue she would inevitably say, "I know, that's typical in FAS kids". After hearing this about 67 times I wanted to stand up and scream "You have no idea! You have never spent 24 hours a day with FAS. You have not mothered a FAS child with Moderate Mentally handicapped status. Shut up!"
Last fall the program for us began to fall apart. I started pushing for things that the program was suppose to provide. I kept pushing for an appropriate respite provider. I continued to ask about the volunteering opportunities. I wouldn't let the community involvement go. The monthly family meetings were not on the schedule, phone calls began to not get returned, we were not informed of stuff. We applied for a small security system with our flex funds and I could not get an answer about if they were approved. Lo and behold the boxes showed up on our doorstep.
Last month we had a meeting and we found out that because he had not made progress in his mentoring area that he was going to be discharged from the program. We knew he would never make progress. We knew he would not be able to look up a library book in the computer system and check it out on his own. We knew he would never be able to put together a recipe, make a list, hop for the items at the store and pay for them alone. We knew he would not be able to budget for an outfit and go to the mall, find one that fits the budget, make sure it is matching and then pay for it alone. We knew that. The program intake person agreed that this was more for us than for the typical child. We knew that it would give Dustin some much needed time away from home and us the same. We knew it would make him feel special.
His mentor started out with high expectations. After about 6 visits he began to really understand Dustin's limitations. He made it as fun for Dustin as the program would allow and still meet some standards. He understood what we dealt with on a daily basis.
The fact that services were being terminated due to him not making progress did not sit well with me. I spoke to people. I found information about the program. I spoke with someone who started the program here in our county. I pulled out the meeting agendas I had never really looked at and found that she was saying she had been making contacts. I found a lot of discrepancies. I found out that key paperwork was not done in the right manner. I tried to contact the coordinator since the meeting. In three weeks, 8 phone calls went unreturned.
This week I became fed up. I put in a call to the supervisor. We chatted. I agreed that I let this go on for far too long. I explained that I had given her the benefit of the doubt. I explained that coming from a foster parent background we were used to promises not being met. She asked if we wanted to program to continue. I explained that we really didn't. I was ready to wash my hands of all of it. I wanted her to make this easier and more beneficial for the next family.
Why does everything have to be so pickin' hard! Can I please just be given something that I should be entitled to without having to advocate for it? I did find out that re-entry into the program is fairly painless so we may look into that if we find we need to in the near future . . . with another coordinator of course.
The program is designed to offer parents some support for behaviors that they are dealing with in their adolescents and offers the children some mentoring time so that they can learn some skills. It's main point is to help eliminate the need for residential treatment. Some of the benefits were supposed to be respite, transportation, community involvement, volunteering and some flex funds.
I had to choose a provider who handles all the bureaucracy. This person fills out reports, coordinates stuff and offers support to the family. They are supposed to organized meetings and provide some volunteering opportunities.
To make a very long story that spans 8 months short, our person sucked. Initially I thought that this person was simply overworked and was dealing with some transitions due to some massive reogranization in her department. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
She never really got it. I specifically picked her because of her background in dealing with kids with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder. Every time we would discuss some issue she would inevitably say, "I know, that's typical in FAS kids". After hearing this about 67 times I wanted to stand up and scream "You have no idea! You have never spent 24 hours a day with FAS. You have not mothered a FAS child with Moderate Mentally handicapped status. Shut up!"
Last fall the program for us began to fall apart. I started pushing for things that the program was suppose to provide. I kept pushing for an appropriate respite provider. I continued to ask about the volunteering opportunities. I wouldn't let the community involvement go. The monthly family meetings were not on the schedule, phone calls began to not get returned, we were not informed of stuff. We applied for a small security system with our flex funds and I could not get an answer about if they were approved. Lo and behold the boxes showed up on our doorstep.
Last month we had a meeting and we found out that because he had not made progress in his mentoring area that he was going to be discharged from the program. We knew he would never make progress. We knew he would not be able to look up a library book in the computer system and check it out on his own. We knew he would never be able to put together a recipe, make a list, hop for the items at the store and pay for them alone. We knew he would not be able to budget for an outfit and go to the mall, find one that fits the budget, make sure it is matching and then pay for it alone. We knew that. The program intake person agreed that this was more for us than for the typical child. We knew that it would give Dustin some much needed time away from home and us the same. We knew it would make him feel special.
His mentor started out with high expectations. After about 6 visits he began to really understand Dustin's limitations. He made it as fun for Dustin as the program would allow and still meet some standards. He understood what we dealt with on a daily basis.
The fact that services were being terminated due to him not making progress did not sit well with me. I spoke to people. I found information about the program. I spoke with someone who started the program here in our county. I pulled out the meeting agendas I had never really looked at and found that she was saying she had been making contacts. I found a lot of discrepancies. I found out that key paperwork was not done in the right manner. I tried to contact the coordinator since the meeting. In three weeks, 8 phone calls went unreturned.
This week I became fed up. I put in a call to the supervisor. We chatted. I agreed that I let this go on for far too long. I explained that I had given her the benefit of the doubt. I explained that coming from a foster parent background we were used to promises not being met. She asked if we wanted to program to continue. I explained that we really didn't. I was ready to wash my hands of all of it. I wanted her to make this easier and more beneficial for the next family.
Why does everything have to be so pickin' hard! Can I please just be given something that I should be entitled to without having to advocate for it? I did find out that re-entry into the program is fairly painless so we may look into that if we find we need to in the near future . . . with another coordinator of course.
Thursday, February 10, 2011
medication needed
I missed my pills the last three days. I have not been feeling the greatest and I have been super tired. By the time I get upstairs I flop in bed and I cannot make myself get up to take the pills. (I take my Zoloft at night).
I think I will be double doing tonight. (My doc knows this is a necessity sometimes) I came home tonight and cleaned the kitchen like a mad woman. I broke out the steam mop, the hand steamer and a scrub brush and vinegar cleaner. I started on the floor, headed into the dowstairs bathroom, scrubbed the sink and ended up pulling out the stove and scrubbing the floor under it. (geeeee-ross) All of this was done while the oven was warming up for dinner. Woot!
My kitchen looks good, but I need to medicate the OCD tonight.
I think I will be double doing tonight. (My doc knows this is a necessity sometimes) I came home tonight and cleaned the kitchen like a mad woman. I broke out the steam mop, the hand steamer and a scrub brush and vinegar cleaner. I started on the floor, headed into the dowstairs bathroom, scrubbed the sink and ended up pulling out the stove and scrubbing the floor under it. (geeeee-ross) All of this was done while the oven was warming up for dinner. Woot!
My kitchen looks good, but I need to medicate the OCD tonight.
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