I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach. I was catching up on some of my regular blogreads this morning and I opened a favorite, The Bloggess. She was blogging about a regular commenter there who recently lost her husband. It seems her husband struggled with depression and committed suicide, leaving his young wife and two small children behind. I stumbled over to her blog at Random Ramblings of a SAHM, and read the story of the horror that began slightly over 2 weeks ago.
If you have read my first entry here, you will know that I struggle with suicidal thoughts. sometimes, if I am going through a particularly rough patch, I can easily envision crossing traffic without looking, or driving straight into a cement wall. I long for the peace that I think will come. I have said many many times that I don't think I will ever complete this desire, but I do think about it. There are times that I don't have any thoughts of this for months, maybe even years. But sometimes it is so strong that I can think of nothing else. I battle it. It is these times when I surround myself with positive things, my children and my husband. I try to relax. I try not to focus on the "crazy".
Today I think I came closer than I have ever come to understanding the devastation I would leave behind if I ever truly completed this task. I wept. I wept great, big tears at my work desk. I ache for this woman and her family. I actually feel sick to my stomach. I think it was important that I read this. I think every person who has ever battled this particular demon should read her blog. She gives a raw, and uncensored look at the pain, the grief and the questions. She is angry, and hurt and honest.
Jenny, The Bloggess, chose to share that she too struggles with OCD, depression and anxiety disorder. She says, "Someone once told me that he’d rather have “a broken, bed-ridden Jenny than no Jenny at all” and that kept me alive when I thought the world would be better off without me. But what he said was (and still is) the truth. Your friends and family want you…broken or not. Don’t leave. Speak out. Be honest about your condition to let others know that they can be honest with theirs."
So in honor of Tony, speak out. Tell someone that you are struggling with mental illness. Tell someone that you have thoughts that you can't imagine seeing the light of day. Tell someone. Don't leave. If you don't think you can, think of Tony, think of the wonderful woman and children he left behind. Think of the grief and the horror and the love he left behind.
For God's sake, speak.