I have a real issue with immediately digesting something someone has told me, comparing it to my own issues and judging them. It may pass through my head like "You have no idea how small and minute that is in comparison to other's issues." or "Seriously how dare you bitch about that when there are so many other things to worry about" or "How dare you complain about that, do you know what my life is like?".
I say "pass through my head" because thankfully those comments stay locked away in the ol' brain now. There was a time in my life when they flew out the mouth unhindered. I have always said I am the most tactless person ever. There was a time when I would tell it like I thought it was no matter who it hurt in the process or how it alienated myself. Basically I was a bitch.
While I still have that tendency I can keep it under wraps better than I ever did. Perhaps it's age, perhaps experience, or perhaps I was tired of people thinking I was awful. While I can control the impulse to spew it, I have yet to master the ability to not think it in the first place. It does make me bitter sometimes and it does tend to get me all irritated at people. I am not sure if I will ever learn to stop it, but I have learned to give myself a firm talking to when those nasty things pop into my head and explain that I may not know the whole story.
Sometimes my poor husband bears the brunt of the irritation and gets and earful. Those are the times when I cannot let it go. Thankfully he understands that this is a process and I am trying.
Here is an example: Let's say I have a friend who is a stay at home mom (with neuro-typical kids). She may post on facebook that she got the kids off to school and she is so tired and needs a nap, but she has laundry to do. She moans about her kids not being old enough to do their own laundry. My first thought would be "Wahhh, sorry you can't nap. Some of us who actually work a full day in PUBLIC work would love to lay on the couch and wait for the dryer to ding." See? RUDE. This is not a tru story, I am just trying to show the crap that immediately runs thorugh my head.
What is wrong with me? Do others do this, or am I just a bitch deep down? I don't want you to think I am beating myself up over this, I just wondered do you do this too? Or is it just me?
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I think we all do this, with our inside voice or our outside voice, whether we admit it to ourselves or not! I find it guilt-reducing to remember that it's just a part of me that reacts so bitchily, not my true self.
ReplyDeleteI know that people who complain to me usually evoke an "If you only knew..." reaction in my head. I usually don't vocalize it because the people speaking aren't central enough to my life to warrant a response. It may be bitchy, but I don't think either of us will ever be the only ones.
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