Friday, January 21, 2011
social
Tonight I am stepping out of my comfort zone. I will be singing on stage. I promised I would engage more socially, and the friend I mentioned before asked if I would help her out at an event tonight. I agreed. I cannot believe I am doing this.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
friends
For me, one of the most difficult parts of being the parent of a child with significant issues due to Fetal Alcohol Syndrome ( and I would suspect RAD and other traumatized kids) is not having a support network. Some of you are blessed to have families that are traveling different paths to bond with. That is not true in our case. We are very much alone.
It is difficult to do "normal" things with children who are unable to behave in a typical fashion. It is hard to explain that although he appears to be a typical teenager, he is still stuck at a five year old level. How do you correct your child for something that seems so tiny of an infraction to most people, yet you know that if it is left unchecked it is the inch that leads to the mile? You appear to be the overbearing and sheltering parent who is mean and controlling when you are just trying to give them the support they need to hold it together. It is hard. It is nearly impossible.
I have tried. We had contact with a family that was very close to us. I thought they understood. We spent many many hours together one summer. We ate meals together, we bathed our young kids together. We shared our lives together. I thought we had found true friends. They even began to spend some time with Dustin. The husband was kind of mentoring him. We found out very soon that they played right into Dustin's psychosis. Even though we had told them everything, they didn't understand. They saw us as overbearing and harsh. They believed his stories (that were documented by therapists as abuse flashbacks) and turned us into DFCS. It was a horrible blow. I was devastated.
It is easier to run to one another for support than open yourself up to that kind of scrutiny. It's easier to do it alone than attempt to build that kind of relationship with someone else. We are scarred. People just don't get it. It is not easy to understand unless you live it. I have met a couple families of children with FAS in our area, but they have typical IQs and less of a trauma background. Our case seems to be extreme and I think we frighten them. It's not easy.
There are two coworkers that I do get it on some level. One has a child with his own difficulties and a husband with similar problems. The other is the kind and gentle soul I mentioned in the last post. My goal is to let them in more. My goal is to foster some relationships over the next few months. I can get past this. I suppose if I can make my husband understand a bit more about my disorder, I can make others understand my son's issues.
Wish me luck.
It is difficult to do "normal" things with children who are unable to behave in a typical fashion. It is hard to explain that although he appears to be a typical teenager, he is still stuck at a five year old level. How do you correct your child for something that seems so tiny of an infraction to most people, yet you know that if it is left unchecked it is the inch that leads to the mile? You appear to be the overbearing and sheltering parent who is mean and controlling when you are just trying to give them the support they need to hold it together. It is hard. It is nearly impossible.
I have tried. We had contact with a family that was very close to us. I thought they understood. We spent many many hours together one summer. We ate meals together, we bathed our young kids together. We shared our lives together. I thought we had found true friends. They even began to spend some time with Dustin. The husband was kind of mentoring him. We found out very soon that they played right into Dustin's psychosis. Even though we had told them everything, they didn't understand. They saw us as overbearing and harsh. They believed his stories (that were documented by therapists as abuse flashbacks) and turned us into DFCS. It was a horrible blow. I was devastated.
It is easier to run to one another for support than open yourself up to that kind of scrutiny. It's easier to do it alone than attempt to build that kind of relationship with someone else. We are scarred. People just don't get it. It is not easy to understand unless you live it. I have met a couple families of children with FAS in our area, but they have typical IQs and less of a trauma background. Our case seems to be extreme and I think we frighten them. It's not easy.
There are two coworkers that I do get it on some level. One has a child with his own difficulties and a husband with similar problems. The other is the kind and gentle soul I mentioned in the last post. My goal is to let them in more. My goal is to foster some relationships over the next few months. I can get past this. I suppose if I can make my husband understand a bit more about my disorder, I can make others understand my son's issues.
Wish me luck.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
understanding
A few months ago I was sitting at work with some coworkers. I have worked at the same place for many years. I have worked there before the diagnoses of OCD and after. A few of my coworkers have known me for a long time. A few others have only known me for a short time. One in particular is really good at listening. She and I have shared alot. I think I have helped her just as much as she has helped me. We have both grown tremendously in the time we have known one another. I'd like to think it is because of some of the time we spend together at work. I would consider her a friend, but not in the traditional sense (I suppose that is a post for another time) because I don't really have those like others do. She and her husband are in ministry. She is very giving and a really good encourager.
So, my co-workers and I were talking over lunch. The conversation turned to worry. They are all very aware of my OCD and all the issues we have parenting our children, because I am pretty much an open book. I made a comment about a certain kind of worrying I do and we started talking about how my OCD manifests. We had a really good talk. I began to really spell out what it is like to live in my head. I tried really hard to explain how my head functions. They got it. They explained how they react in the same situations. We talked about the differences. They not only understood but they commiserated and even asked questions. It was awesome.
I went back to my desk and began thinking about the conversation (because that's what I do, I replay conversations and try to see if I needed to add anything and make sure it is completely understood properly, I dissect it all) and I began thinking that if those people that I have known for so long didn't really understand how my brain functions with OCD then how could my husband? I decided I needed to have a very similar conversation at home. My first thought was, "I have said all those things before!" But then I realized the only time I have ever really tried to make him understand why I think the way I do, or why I say what I do is when we are arguing, and that is not the time for understanding.
I went home and had a very similar conversation with The Big Man (hubby). It went well. I felt like I had hit my stride. I felt like I could finally breathe. I felt like I finally lived with someone who got me. It was incredibly liberating. Since then things have been different at home. He is much more understanding. He doesn't get so irritated at the things I do. He is kinder and more gentle.
The way he used to react to me would've been completely fine for "normal" "sane" people, but I have a disorder. He never truly understood how that effects me. He never truly understood the worry, the nagging, the reasons behind it all. He saw it as "normal" people would as purely annoying. I never truly saw it like that. I simply saw it as him not listening, the problem was that I wasn't talking about the right things! A simple solution took far too long.
I am thankful for that day at work. I am thankful for understanding, both theirs and mine.
So, my co-workers and I were talking over lunch. The conversation turned to worry. They are all very aware of my OCD and all the issues we have parenting our children, because I am pretty much an open book. I made a comment about a certain kind of worrying I do and we started talking about how my OCD manifests. We had a really good talk. I began to really spell out what it is like to live in my head. I tried really hard to explain how my head functions. They got it. They explained how they react in the same situations. We talked about the differences. They not only understood but they commiserated and even asked questions. It was awesome.
I went back to my desk and began thinking about the conversation (because that's what I do, I replay conversations and try to see if I needed to add anything and make sure it is completely understood properly, I dissect it all) and I began thinking that if those people that I have known for so long didn't really understand how my brain functions with OCD then how could my husband? I decided I needed to have a very similar conversation at home. My first thought was, "I have said all those things before!" But then I realized the only time I have ever really tried to make him understand why I think the way I do, or why I say what I do is when we are arguing, and that is not the time for understanding.
I went home and had a very similar conversation with The Big Man (hubby). It went well. I felt like I had hit my stride. I felt like I could finally breathe. I felt like I finally lived with someone who got me. It was incredibly liberating. Since then things have been different at home. He is much more understanding. He doesn't get so irritated at the things I do. He is kinder and more gentle.
The way he used to react to me would've been completely fine for "normal" "sane" people, but I have a disorder. He never truly understood how that effects me. He never truly understood the worry, the nagging, the reasons behind it all. He saw it as "normal" people would as purely annoying. I never truly saw it like that. I simply saw it as him not listening, the problem was that I wasn't talking about the right things! A simple solution took far too long.
I am thankful for that day at work. I am thankful for understanding, both theirs and mine.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
so far
How far have we come?
This schoolyear has been diffcult for my daughter, who the p-doc has come to call The Princess. She is still raging and tossing desks, but she is not running which is a bonus. She has been suspended about 7 times this schoolyear thus far, but the dear sweet principal at her school is so kind. He knows we are working with her and he knows my fretting and tells us each time about the progress she is making. Last time she raged toward the end of the day, she calmed down immediately and instead of having to call me they simply sent her home on the bus like they do every other day. It was major progress.
We did see an increase in her aggression with the 100 mg Zoloft so we retreated back to 50mg. We also could no longer handle her rapid weight gain and switched her mood stabilizer to Geodon from Risperidone in August. It does seem to work to keep the rage at bay most of the time although I think the Risperidone worked better. We are working on giving her some more skills to manage her rage better on her own as well.
The p-doc and I had what I like to call a "come to Jesus meeting" a few months back. He basically told me in no uncertain terms that she was a brat. The words he actually used were, "I see a real sense of entitlement in this child and I need it to be fixed, NOW." After a huge cry and a tough talk with the husband we reallized that we have definintely propogated that in both the bio-kids. I think we have pandered to them because life with the FAS brother is hard and stressful and we have tried to make up for that. In the process we "ruined" our kids. We decided then and there that changes would be made. This is where my OCD comes in handy. Once I get something in my head, I must make it happen. Things must be fixed NOW, there is no other option!
We immediately implemented a token economy where the kids fill jars with pennies. Pennies are given for kindness, chores, good behavior at school extra. Special amounts are given for not arguing, not backtalking, etc. Basically we are bribing our kids to be nice. It works. We have tried token economies in the past and they have failed, this one I think works because they see their progress in filling their jars. They are filling pint ball jars and when full they get a date with the parent of their choice. They will go eat at the restaurant of their choice and then visit the grocery store's coin counter and they get the pennies they have earned. So far, so good.
I had to revisit the p-doc in two weeks to talk about her progress. I really really REALLY wanted the husband to go, because I wantedto avoid the p-doc, but he would not allow me to slink away. I went and it was good. We talked about our progress and said he was proud of us. I told him that I understood his concern and I really needed to hear it. He said, "I only was harsh with you, because I knew you could make it change. I knew you would do better." Oh how I love that little indian man! We are blessed to have him as our psychiatrist.
More on the FAS child and my OCD manifestations later. Take care dear friends.
This schoolyear has been diffcult for my daughter, who the p-doc has come to call The Princess. She is still raging and tossing desks, but she is not running which is a bonus. She has been suspended about 7 times this schoolyear thus far, but the dear sweet principal at her school is so kind. He knows we are working with her and he knows my fretting and tells us each time about the progress she is making. Last time she raged toward the end of the day, she calmed down immediately and instead of having to call me they simply sent her home on the bus like they do every other day. It was major progress.
We did see an increase in her aggression with the 100 mg Zoloft so we retreated back to 50mg. We also could no longer handle her rapid weight gain and switched her mood stabilizer to Geodon from Risperidone in August. It does seem to work to keep the rage at bay most of the time although I think the Risperidone worked better. We are working on giving her some more skills to manage her rage better on her own as well.
The p-doc and I had what I like to call a "come to Jesus meeting" a few months back. He basically told me in no uncertain terms that she was a brat. The words he actually used were, "I see a real sense of entitlement in this child and I need it to be fixed, NOW." After a huge cry and a tough talk with the husband we reallized that we have definintely propogated that in both the bio-kids. I think we have pandered to them because life with the FAS brother is hard and stressful and we have tried to make up for that. In the process we "ruined" our kids. We decided then and there that changes would be made. This is where my OCD comes in handy. Once I get something in my head, I must make it happen. Things must be fixed NOW, there is no other option!
We immediately implemented a token economy where the kids fill jars with pennies. Pennies are given for kindness, chores, good behavior at school extra. Special amounts are given for not arguing, not backtalking, etc. Basically we are bribing our kids to be nice. It works. We have tried token economies in the past and they have failed, this one I think works because they see their progress in filling their jars. They are filling pint ball jars and when full they get a date with the parent of their choice. They will go eat at the restaurant of their choice and then visit the grocery store's coin counter and they get the pennies they have earned. So far, so good.
I had to revisit the p-doc in two weeks to talk about her progress. I really really REALLY wanted the husband to go, because I wantedto avoid the p-doc, but he would not allow me to slink away. I went and it was good. We talked about our progress and said he was proud of us. I told him that I understood his concern and I really needed to hear it. He said, "I only was harsh with you, because I knew you could make it change. I knew you would do better." Oh how I love that little indian man! We are blessed to have him as our psychiatrist.
More on the FAS child and my OCD manifestations later. Take care dear friends.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
sliding backward
My summer has been very busy. I have not had time to slip into anything other than bed at night. Keeping busy is a very good thing for my mental health.
My daughter has been struggling lately. The difficulty with transitions has been resurfacing. She has been having times of great rigidity in her thinking. She has began to count again. I call them "break through behaviors". These are behaviors that we once struggled greatly with and had seen leave with the addition of medication, but have sneaked back into her everyday reactions. Her separation anxiety has also amped up quite a bit. I called the psychiatrist before we left for vacation and he wanted to keep everything the same. At that point I was just seeing a greater likelihood for fits, but it has grown.
So I called the p-doc today and he wanted us to come in right away. I love this man. This is a man who you have to wait 3+ months for a new appointment and he sees my daughter the same day if she is having issues. He is kind and thoughtful. He is genuinely concerned about his patients and does such a good job with kids. We are very blessed.
He has increased her zoloft to 100 mg. We shall see if this helps. I have great hope that it will.
My daughter has been struggling lately. The difficulty with transitions has been resurfacing. She has been having times of great rigidity in her thinking. She has began to count again. I call them "break through behaviors". These are behaviors that we once struggled greatly with and had seen leave with the addition of medication, but have sneaked back into her everyday reactions. Her separation anxiety has also amped up quite a bit. I called the psychiatrist before we left for vacation and he wanted to keep everything the same. At that point I was just seeing a greater likelihood for fits, but it has grown.
So I called the p-doc today and he wanted us to come in right away. I love this man. This is a man who you have to wait 3+ months for a new appointment and he sees my daughter the same day if she is having issues. He is kind and thoughtful. He is genuinely concerned about his patients and does such a good job with kids. We are very blessed.
He has increased her zoloft to 100 mg. We shall see if this helps. I have great hope that it will.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
checklist
I came to a realization this morning. This will either make total sense to you, my dear readers, or it will cement in your brain that I am crazy! I tried to explain this to my husband this afternoon, but he really couldn't wrap his head around it. I am learning more and more that my way of thinking effects my reactions to things, and expecting others to get it results in frustration on both ends because people simply don't think like me.
Here's the set up. My husband visited the doctor about 4 weeks weeks ago for the normal yearly checkup. He has to return in 2 months due to so medication monitoring. The doctor wants him to have some blood work done, anytime before the next appointment. It is fasting blood work.
In my head, I have added this to he mental checklist of things waiting to be done. I always feel like I have to categorize and catalog each thing that is waiting to be accomplished for everyone in the family. I see them as actual lists in my head. I am fine when the lists are manageable. Once they get longer and longer I start getting antsy. I also get antsy the longer items are on the list.
For the most part these lists are manageable for me.
I have been nagging my husband to get the blood work done as we are into the second month. Last Sunday he said he would get up and go Monday morning since my son also needed blood work. This way he could do both at the same time. Monday came and went and he forgot. I forgot until later in the day when he had already eaten. Last night I mentioned it again. He agreed that he should get it done and he would get up early this morning. This morning the alarm went off and he said he would rather go another time becasue he didn't get a good night's sleep and truthfully there is no rush.
Here's where I should've said OK. Because truthfully, who cares when he goes as long as he goes before the next appointment in 4 weeks. I can tell myself it really doesn't matter. My initial resonse is always amicable and I say, "Okay, whatever."
Within about 2 minutes that all changes. I tell him he really should just go. Then he gets irritated. I say that it is his choice. He then chooses not to go and do it later (becasue I gave him the choice). I cannot let it go and start talking about him following through and keeping his word. Blah Blah Blah.
The sane person in me tells me this is gonna cause an issue and I should just let it go, but the OCD gets ahold of me and I CANNOT do it. Today I tried to assess the situation differently and see if I could explain it to him (and myself) in a non-confrontational way that makes sense. It took me most of the day, and I let it go which is progress!
I just spoke to him on the phone and here's what I saw inside myself when I really took a look at what was happening. This running list in my head takes a lot of energy to maintain. It is like a television show that is always on in the background. I can somewhat ignore it but I have to keep it somewhat in the forefront so I don't forget what is on it for fear the job will get forgotten. (whoa, that is hard to explain) When he tells me he is going to get something done that is on the list, I get excited to be able to cross something off, but I can't cross it off until it is totally completed, so it has this anticipation factor now attached to it. When he "cancels" the completion it is a let down because I can no longer cross off that project/job.
That is when I get irritated. The frustration probably comes across more intense than what is called for since I have this built up anticipation. My head says it is not a big deal, but about 30 seconds later the OCD kicks in and I loose my shit because I cannot finish the crossing off process, it goes back on the list and the brain has to reengage that project.
Make sense? It is crystal clear to me! LOL I tried to explain it this way. I asked him if it made sense. He laughed and said, "No!" so I start to re-explain. He said, he understood what I was saying, but cannot wrap his mind around the reaction. I get that. I just want him to understand that the frustration truly isn't with him, it is with the inability for me to control my irritation. (there I am talking in circles again) I don't know how to change the reaction, but he said he understood why I need him to follow through with what he says he is going to do even if it doesn't make sense why. Progress!! One step for me, one step for him and meeting in the middle is a good thing.
Did any of that make sense?
Here's the set up. My husband visited the doctor about 4 weeks weeks ago for the normal yearly checkup. He has to return in 2 months due to so medication monitoring. The doctor wants him to have some blood work done, anytime before the next appointment. It is fasting blood work.
In my head, I have added this to he mental checklist of things waiting to be done. I always feel like I have to categorize and catalog each thing that is waiting to be accomplished for everyone in the family. I see them as actual lists in my head. I am fine when the lists are manageable. Once they get longer and longer I start getting antsy. I also get antsy the longer items are on the list.
For the most part these lists are manageable for me.
I have been nagging my husband to get the blood work done as we are into the second month. Last Sunday he said he would get up and go Monday morning since my son also needed blood work. This way he could do both at the same time. Monday came and went and he forgot. I forgot until later in the day when he had already eaten. Last night I mentioned it again. He agreed that he should get it done and he would get up early this morning. This morning the alarm went off and he said he would rather go another time becasue he didn't get a good night's sleep and truthfully there is no rush.
Here's where I should've said OK. Because truthfully, who cares when he goes as long as he goes before the next appointment in 4 weeks. I can tell myself it really doesn't matter. My initial resonse is always amicable and I say, "Okay, whatever."
Within about 2 minutes that all changes. I tell him he really should just go. Then he gets irritated. I say that it is his choice. He then chooses not to go and do it later (becasue I gave him the choice). I cannot let it go and start talking about him following through and keeping his word. Blah Blah Blah.
The sane person in me tells me this is gonna cause an issue and I should just let it go, but the OCD gets ahold of me and I CANNOT do it. Today I tried to assess the situation differently and see if I could explain it to him (and myself) in a non-confrontational way that makes sense. It took me most of the day, and I let it go which is progress!
I just spoke to him on the phone and here's what I saw inside myself when I really took a look at what was happening. This running list in my head takes a lot of energy to maintain. It is like a television show that is always on in the background. I can somewhat ignore it but I have to keep it somewhat in the forefront so I don't forget what is on it for fear the job will get forgotten. (whoa, that is hard to explain) When he tells me he is going to get something done that is on the list, I get excited to be able to cross something off, but I can't cross it off until it is totally completed, so it has this anticipation factor now attached to it. When he "cancels" the completion it is a let down because I can no longer cross off that project/job.
That is when I get irritated. The frustration probably comes across more intense than what is called for since I have this built up anticipation. My head says it is not a big deal, but about 30 seconds later the OCD kicks in and I loose my shit because I cannot finish the crossing off process, it goes back on the list and the brain has to reengage that project.
Make sense? It is crystal clear to me! LOL I tried to explain it this way. I asked him if it made sense. He laughed and said, "No!" so I start to re-explain. He said, he understood what I was saying, but cannot wrap his mind around the reaction. I get that. I just want him to understand that the frustration truly isn't with him, it is with the inability for me to control my irritation. (there I am talking in circles again) I don't know how to change the reaction, but he said he understood why I need him to follow through with what he says he is going to do even if it doesn't make sense why. Progress!! One step for me, one step for him and meeting in the middle is a good thing.
Did any of that make sense?
Monday, May 17, 2010
a new week
I am doing much better. The weather has improved and the kids are able to get outside more often and I am simply happier. The mom and I are doing well. She is so much like me and yet we are such different in our ways of handling situations. You can always tell when she is sorry about something. She rarely says so, but she tends to be kinder than usual for a time. If she snaps at me, she kisses my butt for an hour or so after. I don't know if she even realizes it, but that's how she handles it. She really is a wonderful woman. We simply process things so differently and it tends to muck things up. I suppose being aware of it is the first step in making sure it doesn't get me down.
The kids are doing well. My daughter is adjusting well to her meds. She is still remaining calm in situations that used to make her loose her cool. She is much more compliant and just plain enjoyable. It is nice to know that others are seeing the child that I always knew was hiding in there somewhere! I am still kind of concerned about her attachment to me. She is VERY strongly attached and must be near me or with me to feel comfortable. She is not shy, just wants to be near me. I do think this is improving as yesterday she had an opportunity to go on errands with me and she chose to stay home. She really wasn't absorbed in anything at the time so that is progress!
The younger son is doing well. He has some anger issues mostly directed at my special needs son. He is simply so freaking SMART and I think he gets irritated with people who don't "get it". We are really working on tolerance for him.
The special need son is doing well. He is really getting along well at school and home is improving steadily. His Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is kicking into high gear with the Spring weather and he is driving me bonkers about being outside every waking moment. Unfortunately he cannot be outside unsupervised and this causes a ruckus. The constant chatter he exhibits makes me want to pull my ears off and pout them in my pockets, but all in all we are having a good period!
Yay us.
The kids are doing well. My daughter is adjusting well to her meds. She is still remaining calm in situations that used to make her loose her cool. She is much more compliant and just plain enjoyable. It is nice to know that others are seeing the child that I always knew was hiding in there somewhere! I am still kind of concerned about her attachment to me. She is VERY strongly attached and must be near me or with me to feel comfortable. She is not shy, just wants to be near me. I do think this is improving as yesterday she had an opportunity to go on errands with me and she chose to stay home. She really wasn't absorbed in anything at the time so that is progress!
The younger son is doing well. He has some anger issues mostly directed at my special needs son. He is simply so freaking SMART and I think he gets irritated with people who don't "get it". We are really working on tolerance for him.
The special need son is doing well. He is really getting along well at school and home is improving steadily. His Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is kicking into high gear with the Spring weather and he is driving me bonkers about being outside every waking moment. Unfortunately he cannot be outside unsupervised and this causes a ruckus. The constant chatter he exhibits makes me want to pull my ears off and pout them in my pockets, but all in all we are having a good period!
Yay us.
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