Today has been a rough day. I am tired and I am disheartened. The big kid with FAS is on my last nerve. His incessant talking is driving me to the edge of sanity. He is stressing about the last day of school on Monday and I am certain he is taking it out on me. I am the one he always takes it out on. His mother allowed others to harm him. His mother drank and smoked pot to medicate herself from his behaviors. Her own mental illness would not allow her to get past her own needs and wants to care for him. I am the substitute for his anger at her. He is pretty decent until I walk in the door with the smaller children and then all heck breaks loose. The ugliness, the whining, the constant talking, the crying, the aggressiveness. It becomes tiring.
I am struggling with a bad case of plantar's fascitis in my right foot.. Last week I was unable to walk without excruciating pain. I saw the doctor and got a shot that normally helps. Last week it did not. I am fairly certain that the prednisone in the shot throws off my medication and causes some OCD behaviors as well as anxiety. It makes me incredibly hot and my skin all red. It sucks to go through all that and not be better! Because the shot did not work, I am on a nasty anti-inflamatory. It makes me dizzy and disoriented. I think it messes with my meds too. Plain and simple I am a mess!
I knew I was done for tonight when in the middle of cooking dinner I got distracted and found myself sitting in the shower scrubbing the walls. I shook my head at myself and walked out. As soon as I did, I took care of what was on the stove and started scrubbing the kitchen sink. It took me a minute to regroup and try to focus myself.
Today at work I went to the boss (my mother) to talk about something and ended up crying about something unrelated at work that I really hadn't even realized was bothering me. She kind of looked at me like I was loosing my mind. She knew I was sliding into unwanted territory. I could see her concern on my face. While she understand my OCD and my anxiety, she really has no idea about the depression and suicidal thoughts I struggle with. She has her own issues and I have never felt like I could unload that on her. She has been in denial about her own OCD and her control issues for years. I have always thought that she would take my unknown issues as an affront to her and cause her more trouble. And sometimes I just want her to be my mommy and not look at me differently for the fact that I would take the life she gave to me and throw it all away. I don't want to always think that she is assessing my mental state.
I am very much in the state of "fixer". When I feel like this I want to make everything better for everyone else. I worry about things going wrong. I think that because I feel so freaking crappy about myself I want to fix things. I feel so badly about myself I want to help others so that maybe, just maybe I will seem like I am useful. I want to feel essential. I want to prove to someone that I can be valuable. I guess if I feel like someone else values what I can do for them that maybe it will change my opinion of myself. I am not sure I have ever really realized that before. That is why me vomiting this onto the page is so very helpful.
I hate this. I feel like I am on constant vibration. I don't feel like I can relax. My mind races. It is tiring. Perhaps an extra Zoloft and a good night's sleep will turn things around. Let's hope I find myself in a better place tomorrow.