medication

I am sure if I searched this blog for the term "medication" I would find a blog post or maybe two that echo what I am going to say here. Since this blog is primarily for me to vent, I need to say it again for myself and maybe for you to hear.

My daughter has begun a new tic. These tics are typically based in her OCD behavior. I have noticed that she typically picks a behavior and gets obsessed with it, then she tends to relax and it fades until another one takes it place. We have gone through hair chewing, a mouth movement, clicking her teeth, hand movements and now the dreaded throat clearing noise. She makes this noise roughly every 6 seconds. Holy Lord it drives me nuts! I have tried not bringing attention to it, but I cannot let it go. It is quite distracting and very annoying. I have even gone so far as to suggest she fidget with her hands if she feels the need to do something over and over again. I cannot imagine how distracting it is in school for her peers.

While I do not think that raising medication is the answer, I an very thankful for medication during times like this. I know that my OCD tends to "rev up" for no expolainable reason and I need to double medicate. The doctor knows that I do this, and has okay'd it. Usually it only takes 3 days or so of this in order to get back on track. I am hoping this will help this time for her.

There are times that I think about taking her off medication and offering some skills that will help her when she is dysregualted. There are times that I feel like maybe she is too young to be on 2 psychotropic drugs and I am taking the easy way out. There are those times where I feel like she has calmed enough to be able to work through her frustrations and rages about things not going as she had planned them (through her OCD) and that she can make it without medication.

Each time I am directed back to being thankful that she is growing up with opportunities that I never had. She is growing up with the ability to feel at peace in her own body due to those very meds. She is growing up will medication that will help her understand that there is better ways of controlling her impulses and that she has been successful in that. She is growing up understanding that she is not "bad" and that she is able to function typically like the other kids in her classroom.

Those are the times that I am thankful for a skilled psychiatrist who does not believe in over medicating and who walks a fine line between the disorder and the medication. It is those times that I remember the change in my life from unmedicated to medicated and the joy and peace that came with it. Perhaps that understanding is the most important.

While I believe there is merit in not medicating children who can learn to deal with their disorders, I think not medicating those who cannot is holding them back from what they truly can be. For me, it was freedom.

progress

My daughter is doing very well. Of course we still have our stand-offs, she is still so very stubborn. I am praying that perseverance will do her well in life. I can see her trying really hard. That is good sign. I can see that she is no longer a "slave" to her moods and her impulses, but she is able to fight and control them. I see so much of myself in her.

Today she came back from school and told me that she was on blue. Blue is a referral to the office. Apparently she had been disrespectful all day. (She said her stomach hurt all day. That is not an excuse, simply a reason. This illness thing we have all had is hanging on for dear life. It took me at least a week for my stomach to stop hurting after I was done with the medication.) She was being disruptive in reading time and she was sent to the hallway. She went! That is HUGE progress. In the past she has refused, thrown a fit, toppled desks etc. There is a table outside the door (which has a window next to it) of her classroom. She says she hopped up to sit on the table and it clanked into the window. Her teacher assumed she had tossed it toward the window like she has tossed desks before and was sent to the office. She went without a fit!! They talked and she received ISS (in school suspension) for tomorrow.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am so thrilled. She handled herself appropriately. She did not throw a fit and complied with everything they asked of her. I explained to her that although I was not happy she was disrespectful and disruptive, but the way she handled herself this time was great. We talked about how she has reacted in the past, and I pointed out the differences this time in case she did not make the connection. We had a great talk. I did not want her to think that getting on Blue was not an issue, but I wanted to really commend her. I think I found a good balance.

She did NOT want to tell daddy. I told her that we would at dinner, that we do not have secrets. As soon as we got home she asked daddy to come sit down and she told him all by herself. (I had already told him so he would respond in a similar fashion as I did) She said she was sorry and that she knew that even though her stomach hurt, she had to obey. She said, "I will start over fresh tomorrow." It was sweet.

Progress. It's amazing.

tact

I have a real issue with immediately digesting something someone has told me, comparing it to my own issues and judging them. It may pass through my head like "You have no idea how small and minute that is in comparison to other's issues." or "Seriously how dare you bitch about that when there are so many other things to worry about" or "How dare you complain about that, do you know what my life is like?".

I say "pass through my head" because thankfully those comments stay locked away in the ol' brain now. There was a time in my life when they flew out the mouth unhindered. I have always said I am the most tactless person ever. There was a time when I would tell it like I thought it was no matter who it hurt in the process or how it alienated myself. Basically I was a bitch.

While I still have that tendency I can keep it under wraps better than I ever did. Perhaps it's age, perhaps experience, or perhaps I was tired of people thinking I was awful. While I can control the impulse to spew it, I have yet to master the ability to not think it in the first place. It does make me bitter sometimes and it does tend to get me all irritated at people. I am not sure if I will ever learn to stop it, but I have learned to give myself a firm talking to when those nasty things pop into my head and explain that I may not know the whole story.

Sometimes my poor husband bears the brunt of the irritation and gets and earful. Those are the times when I cannot let it go. Thankfully he understands that this is a process and I am trying.

Here is an example: Let's say I have a friend who is a stay at home mom (with neuro-typical kids). She may post on facebook that she got the kids off to school and she is so tired and needs a nap, but she has laundry to do. She moans about her kids not being old enough to do their own laundry. My first thought would be "Wahhh, sorry you can't nap. Some of us who actually work a full day in PUBLIC work would love to lay on the couch and wait for the dryer to ding." See? RUDE. This is not a tru story, I am just trying to show the crap that immediately runs thorugh my head.

What is wrong with me? Do others do this, or am I just a bitch deep down? I don't want you to think I am beating myself up over this, I just wondered do you do this too? Or is it just me?