trauma

As soon as I posted what I did earlier this evening I considered deleting it. I should've never posted it.

I knew that the way I felt would subside. I would be reminded of my love for my children and my husband. I knew that my husband would ponder what had happened and come down and tell me that he understood and he loved me. I knew he would comfort me. I knew that I would be okay. I knew the thought of self harm was fleeting and I would be able to keep that at bay and let it pass.

What I needed to do for myself was document what I was feeling in that moment. Perhaps it would be to go back and understand how I felt so the next time wouldn't be so damn scary. Perhaps someone, somewhere would find it and know they are not crazy.

The comments by anonymous truly helped me see that I am not as fucked up as I think. The way anonymous viewed me through my own words is not what I know in my heart. I KNOW that my children were not affected by tonight. I KNOW my mother did not damage me! (good Lord, that one makes me laugh) If anonymous knew the relationship my mother and I have it is utterly laughable!

My first thought is to be ashamed. Ashamed that I let all that fall out of my mind and spill onto the page. Ashamed that I felt the way I did. Ashamed I admitted it to you and to myself. Ashamed that I did not let it pass in that bathroom and stuff it back down inside, telling myself that I am acting foolish.

This has been a difficult week. The fact that I am not willing to blog about a couple different incidents should tell you how bad it has been. I will not apologize for sharing what I did. It is me. All of me.

I considered blocking anonymous comments, but truly what would that do. Anyone can create a google account and post comments under that name. I could be Robert F Kennedy if I wanted to be. Just because I have a google account as Sojourner Truth doesn't tell you who I am. I welcome your comments. For the most part you have been respectful even if you have been misguided. You are welcome to your opinions. In fact, they make me feel better about my life because I am not nearly as jaded and accusatory as you . . . and that is saying something.

thanks, but no thanks

Let me explain something to you anonymous. I am very, very adept at hold things in. The entire time that I was having my own personal meltdown, my kids were completely oblivious. My daughter was napping, my younger son was playing his handheld game and my other son was watching television. I did not cry in front of them, I never raised my voice and I even made them dinner and finished some laundry. I hold EVERYTHING inside which is probably the problem.

While I am well aware that I put my shit out here for everyone to read and that opens me up for anonymous commenters to read my drivel and make their own observations. But you don't know me or my ability to parent my kids. You have no idea what happens in my home beyond what you assume from reading here.

Thanks for your kind words. I do understand where you are coming from, but I do not create or live in a toxic environment. I am an expert in making things appear perfect even when they are far from it. I learned it from my mother.

I am trying to be completely honest in this forum because it helps to get it out there. It helps to say what I cannot to anyone else in the world. (well, I can to one darling friend) It helps to say it instead of act on it. It is not for attention, it is so I can see where I have been and PERHAPS help someone else think they are not alone in feeling some of the same things.

today

A few minutes ago I sat in the upstairs bathroom and came as close as I have ever been to killing myself.

Trust me. The weight of that sentence is a hard one to write.

I didn't actually have anything in my hand, but I truly and calmly thought, "this is the day" or maybe "this is the hour". I started making a checklist in my head, making sure the laundry was fairly caught up and the sheets on the beds were clean. I thought about what would be the quietest way to leave this world. I wouldn't want to upset my kids of course. Then the irony of that sentence made me laugh. Crazy, cackling laughter that shocked me in the way that it made me sound completely and totally looney.

I came downstairs and informed my husband how very much I was aware that I was a fuck up. That I was a failure. How do I know this? Because I hate the look of myself in the mirror. I hate waking up and I hate coming home from work. I hate me more than anyone else ever could. I understand. I get it. The 28 weeks of constant pain, the stress of dealing with my FAS and RAD child. The financial melt-down that it our life . . . I just can't do it anymore. I hate everything about me. I despise the person I have become.

What brought all this on? Him getting mad at me about something I said. I get it. I suck. I am a horrid wife and a worse mother. I know, trust me I know. I get so frustrated with him not fol.lowing through and doing what he says he will do and I lost my cool. I made it worse. He told me "It is obvious you don't care." Oh hell, you have no idea how that set me off. I told him that if I didn't care I would've been dead a long time ago.

The only reason I have kept going is because I know my kids will be even more screwed up if I killed myself than I have already made them. I walked upstairs and thought long and hard about it. I really could've done it today. You know what has always held me back? Thinking that my God would not forgive me and I would go to hell. Why did that not stop me today? Because I am not sure it makes a difference anymore. I feel like such a bad person and a failure that I'm not sure I would go to heaven anyway, so what's the point?

So I came downstairs and poured my heart out to my husband and what did he say? What did he say that would make me feel like anything other than a failure? What did he say that would make me even remotely help me feel like I was loved? What did he say that made me think I could possibly be contemplating a mistake? Nothing. He said nothing. He looked at me in my eyes and I saw what seemed like cold indifference. He walked away, went upstairs and laid down in bed. I got nothing. See, I do suck. I don't even warrant a "honey, please don't feel like that." Nothing. And to top it all off, he left me with the kid who needs the supervision, yay for me.

So here I sit at my computer, crying a river of tears. My kids are playing upstairs completely oblivious to my pain thankfully. What is stopping me? Them. I have failed so much, but I can't turn that corner. I can't leave them with that legacy. I just can't.

Oh how I wish I could, but I can't.

in a bad place

I am in a bad place. I am in pain most of the time. I saw the new surgeon since my last post and he said that the bone fragment is not causing much issue. The issue is with a torn tendon that runs along the inside of my right ankle. It is damaged and very inflamed. Each step causes pain. I am back in a boot and an orthotic is being made. It is likely I will have to have tendon repair surgery in the near future. The constant pain wears on me.

I am also struggling emotionally. I am fretting over every little thing. I am not sure if it is a product of the pain, but I know it is not good. That old feeling of dread is creeping into everything I do or think. I find myself gritting my teeth or with my shoulders raised in stress multiple times a day for no real reason. It is all consuming.

I am critical and judgmental of both myself and others. I hate being in this place. I hate being this person. I wish I felt better physically, I know that would help. I feel trapped and I need to escape.

bullets

- my leg is totally messed up. I had the hardware removed October. The pain did not go away. I did not get any more motion in the joint like I was supposed to. I kept telling the doctor I was still in constant pain. He kept telling me I was not. I begged for physical therapy, he said it was unnecessary. He released me saying I was 100% fixed. Workers Comp tried to release me. I through a HISSY saying I was not better and things were not right. After hollering, crying and threatening with a lawyer, I got a second opinion. Lo' and behold there was a peice of bone that was left in the joint. The doctor missed it. It is now imbedded in my tendon. I am in constant pain. I now have to see another surgeon to talk about having it removed. I knew I was right.

- my daughter had another manic episode last night. She has been awake since Thursday morning at 5am. She slept for a bit this evening, but is back awake at 8:30pm. She is exhausted so I hope she sleeps tonight. We only do this about every 6-8 weeks. The last time she stayed up all night was October 7. I suppose it could be worse.


- My FAS child is not doing well. School provides him with much needed routine and being off is a recipe for disaster. I cannot wait for school to start back up in 5 days! On the other hand, he has finally discovered what happens if you "rub" your penis long enough in one sitting. Freaked him the heck out! He came screaming downstairs saying it had "popped like a zit!" LOL

- The hubs has been quite sick. Nothing horrific, just cold and cough with sore throat. Just enough to make him miserable.

- Christmas went well. Everyone was happy. we trimmed down the presents this year and gave some necessities like new comforters and treats along with the "real" presents. I liked it and so did the kids.

microwave

I am a microwave. I don't like things that drag out. I like things to be dealt with, settled, wrapped up and moving on in the shortest amount of time possible. The hubs? He is a crock pot. He has to think about it, let it simmer, sit on the back burner and mold before he has to do something about it. This difference coupled with the fact that I am also a "Fixer" is typically a source of contention in our marriage.

We have good jags where we are getting along famously and we both understand this about one another. This is one of those times. That could change in an hour, a day, a week or a month, who knows? If I am honest those good times are usually when he acquiesces, comes up wit ha quick viable plan and lets me facilitate it. Either that or just lets me make the decision and go with the flow.

I am blessed.

friend

This will likely be all over the place because I am feeling particularly jumbled and irritable today. (I am not certain I have taken my pills in the last few days, I have been incredibly tired and have practically fallen asleep walking up the stairs to bed)

I had a friend say something to me last night and it has been on my mind today. In a nutshell, she said that her husband was "supporting" our long-distance friendship and even encouraging the long many-hours-travel visits because he knew now that we were not a "friendship-fling" and we were going to last. He also understood that we were good for one another.

I wrote before about my daughter struggling with G and I being close friends because see rarely sees me with anyone other than my mother. I started thinking about why that is. . .

I grew up in a large church. I had a good friend who was 2 years younger than me, but was much more popular, prettier and far more vivacious than I was. She was always the life of the party, willing to try anything and always needed to be the center of attention. That worked for me because if she was the center of attention, it left little chance of me being noticed. We had all the same friends and most of them were male. We all got along famously and they all lusted after her. I was merely a friend. I got to sink into my own little world and not be noticed quite so often. It worked.

What didn't work is the way she treated me. I was her stepping stone. I was the one she used as a cover. When we grew up and she went to college, she found way cooler friends than me. She dropped me like a hot biscuit, except when she needed something from me. When they betrayed her, like they always did, I was the one she would cry to. She never really realized that they turned on her due to her own choices. Girls usually don't like you sleeping with their boyfriends . . . multiple times . . . with multiple friends. Huh? Who would've thought? Her idea of attention and friendship was sex, with anyone and everyone. In her mind. she had no worth outside of her appeal. Who was it that was always there ready to pick her up? Me.

When we moved into an apartment together, I was the one who took care of everything. I cooked, cleaned and did her laundry. I was the one who paid the bills. I would have to nag and nag for her to write me a check for her portion. She would take my clothes and my shoes and mistreat them. I put up with it for a very long time. She was tied to my group of friends. She was my sense of meaning and importance. She needed me and I fed on that.

It wasn't until she went to grad school and her younger sister moved in with me that I realized that she had been telling her family all along that I was the person that she was. It turns out all these years, her family thinks that I am the one sleeping around, experimenting with drugs, and being all around wild. She would tell these stories at Sunday lunch and put me in as the main character instead of herself. Her father was an elder in our church. They had never really liked me and I now knew why. I was devastated. She had betrayed me. I never confronted her. I just simply stopped talking to her. The girl I thought was my best friend for 10 years was no longer a part of my life.

I never really got over that.

I have not really had friends since he eldest adopted son came into the picture. I have always told myself and others that that happens when you parent a special needs child. We cannot find babysitters so how do you go out with friends? Now,I can see that is was a convenient excuse. It was a way for me to guard myself against ever being hurt like that again. I have opened myself up to those on the internet, in my "circle", but that is not the same. They are far away, and they will not be a part of my everyday life. Until now.

G may be 2 states away, but I feel like she is with me everyday. She is kind, caring and compassionate. She cares about what is going on in my life. She reprimands my kids without even thinking about it! (Which I love!) I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is there for me at any moment of the day or night. The internet and cell phones are a mighty thing! Last week her husband went through a procedure that could've went south really fast and I was prepared to drive 2 states to be there with them in a moments notice.

It is nice to be able to give that to someone else again. It is nice to know that someone has "your back" (even though I hate that saying!) It is just know to know that someone "gets" you. I love her and her family with my whole heart and I am so thankful that she has opened up that part of me again . . .