I would really like to post this on my other blog, but I think this needs a little more confidentiality, so I decided to put it here. Truth be told, I probably shouldn't blog it at all, but I really need to purge this from my head and I need to use it for reference. So, here goes.
My oldest with FAS has had to be very close to an adult at all times lately due to some issues with leaving our property unsupervised. Last night I used him as a helper at an event at my work. He was FABULOUS. He was very helpful and took direction very well. It was a good 2 hours of work and he was darn near perfect. Tonight my boss asked him to help once again for another event and he dressed up in a costume. He was wonderful except for a few instances of not listening. He earned $25 for his work. He was excited to spend it on a video game tomorrow.
We came home and I asked him to help me with some yard work to earn a few more dollars. He got into an argument with the 2 younger children and took his sister's chalk that she got for Easter and began throwing it on the house next door, breaking it. I distracted him with a job and he did okay. They left with dad to get some dinner to bring home and we kept working. I asked him to go through the house and unlatch the back gate. Normally he does really well with this type of chore and I tell him I am going to count to a certain number and he tries to beat me. This keeps him from dinking around and makes him think only about hurrying instead of getting into something he shouldn't be in.
Tonight I gave him til 15. I usually don't really count until I see him and then I let him "beat me". I was trimming the bushes and was a bit sidetracked. I realized he was taking too long. I turned off the trimmer and heard our bigger dog barking a very odd bark. She rarely barks and when she does it's not very loud. This was a frightened bark. I hollered for the oldest and he did not come. I almost continued working thinking he was simply guzzling milk out of the jug, but something was nagging at me. I turned the trimmer back on and then decided I really should rely on my gut and I tossed it down and hurried into the house. I opened the front door and tripped. What did I trip over? A pair of scissors sticking through the rug and into the linoleum floor. I tripped over them, and they were so stuck they were still standing up. I immediately surveyed the area and saw 3 more pairs of scissors tossed around, the kitchen broom, a large pen, and a jump rope. I knew right away that the oldest was trying to hurt the dogs.
I wanted to blow up and start screaming. I was afraid that if I did I would not be able to stop. My pups are my babies. It is my job to protect them and he was trying to cause them serious harm. I was eerily calm. It had to be God because I have no idea how I stayed so in control. I asked him what he was doing and told him I wanted truth the first answer. He said, "Trying to kill the dogs". Holy Lord. I asked him why and I got about 5 answers from, the typical "I was mad" to "I miss my cat when I was little".
I am really not sure what the reason was, but I truly believed he was trying to kill the dogs. My husband got home and I sent the smaller children away so we could talk to the oldest together. The husband had no idea why I was so calm. He was dumbfounded. I was to! I think it scared the stink out of the oldest, which was a really good thing.
The husband and I talked later and we both find it interesting that as soon as he does something well, that includes a bit of freedom or is a bit more age appropriate he turns around and gives us a whopper of disobedience. I don't understand it. Is it RAD? Is it him bucking the restraints of his supervision because he has a bit of freedom? Is he self-sabotaging? I don't get it.
I am sad. I protect the younger kids from him. I keep him very close, constantly supervised. I don't know what more I can do. Each time I try to give him some slack, it backfires.
By the way, he is spending his earnings on new chalk for his sister and really nice treats for the dogs, NOT a game. Anything left over will go in the bank.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
medication
I am sure if I searched this blog for the term "medication" I would find a blog post or maybe two that echo what I am going to say here. Since this blog is primarily for me to vent, I need to say it again for myself and maybe for you to hear.
My daughter has begun a new tic. These tics are typically based in her OCD behavior. I have noticed that she typically picks a behavior and gets obsessed with it, then she tends to relax and it fades until another one takes it place. We have gone through hair chewing, a mouth movement, clicking her teeth, hand movements and now the dreaded throat clearing noise. She makes this noise roughly every 6 seconds. Holy Lord it drives me nuts! I have tried not bringing attention to it, but I cannot let it go. It is quite distracting and very annoying. I have even gone so far as to suggest she fidget with her hands if she feels the need to do something over and over again. I cannot imagine how distracting it is in school for her peers.
While I do not think that raising medication is the answer, I an very thankful for medication during times like this. I know that my OCD tends to "rev up" for no expolainable reason and I need to double medicate. The doctor knows that I do this, and has okay'd it. Usually it only takes 3 days or so of this in order to get back on track. I am hoping this will help this time for her.
There are times that I think about taking her off medication and offering some skills that will help her when she is dysregualted. There are times that I feel like maybe she is too young to be on 2 psychotropic drugs and I am taking the easy way out. There are those times where I feel like she has calmed enough to be able to work through her frustrations and rages about things not going as she had planned them (through her OCD) and that she can make it without medication.
Each time I am directed back to being thankful that she is growing up with opportunities that I never had. She is growing up with the ability to feel at peace in her own body due to those very meds. She is growing up will medication that will help her understand that there is better ways of controlling her impulses and that she has been successful in that. She is growing up understanding that she is not "bad" and that she is able to function typically like the other kids in her classroom.
Those are the times that I am thankful for a skilled psychiatrist who does not believe in over medicating and who walks a fine line between the disorder and the medication. It is those times that I remember the change in my life from unmedicated to medicated and the joy and peace that came with it. Perhaps that understanding is the most important.
While I believe there is merit in not medicating children who can learn to deal with their disorders, I think not medicating those who cannot is holding them back from what they truly can be. For me, it was freedom.
My daughter has begun a new tic. These tics are typically based in her OCD behavior. I have noticed that she typically picks a behavior and gets obsessed with it, then she tends to relax and it fades until another one takes it place. We have gone through hair chewing, a mouth movement, clicking her teeth, hand movements and now the dreaded throat clearing noise. She makes this noise roughly every 6 seconds. Holy Lord it drives me nuts! I have tried not bringing attention to it, but I cannot let it go. It is quite distracting and very annoying. I have even gone so far as to suggest she fidget with her hands if she feels the need to do something over and over again. I cannot imagine how distracting it is in school for her peers.
While I do not think that raising medication is the answer, I an very thankful for medication during times like this. I know that my OCD tends to "rev up" for no expolainable reason and I need to double medicate. The doctor knows that I do this, and has okay'd it. Usually it only takes 3 days or so of this in order to get back on track. I am hoping this will help this time for her.
There are times that I think about taking her off medication and offering some skills that will help her when she is dysregualted. There are times that I feel like maybe she is too young to be on 2 psychotropic drugs and I am taking the easy way out. There are those times where I feel like she has calmed enough to be able to work through her frustrations and rages about things not going as she had planned them (through her OCD) and that she can make it without medication.
Each time I am directed back to being thankful that she is growing up with opportunities that I never had. She is growing up with the ability to feel at peace in her own body due to those very meds. She is growing up will medication that will help her understand that there is better ways of controlling her impulses and that she has been successful in that. She is growing up understanding that she is not "bad" and that she is able to function typically like the other kids in her classroom.
Those are the times that I am thankful for a skilled psychiatrist who does not believe in over medicating and who walks a fine line between the disorder and the medication. It is those times that I remember the change in my life from unmedicated to medicated and the joy and peace that came with it. Perhaps that understanding is the most important.
While I believe there is merit in not medicating children who can learn to deal with their disorders, I think not medicating those who cannot is holding them back from what they truly can be. For me, it was freedom.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
progress
My daughter is doing very well. Of course we still have our stand-offs, she is still so very stubborn. I am praying that perseverance will do her well in life. I can see her trying really hard. That is good sign. I can see that she is no longer a "slave" to her moods and her impulses, but she is able to fight and control them. I see so much of myself in her.
Today she came back from school and told me that she was on blue. Blue is a referral to the office. Apparently she had been disrespectful all day. (She said her stomach hurt all day. That is not an excuse, simply a reason. This illness thing we have all had is hanging on for dear life. It took me at least a week for my stomach to stop hurting after I was done with the medication.) She was being disruptive in reading time and she was sent to the hallway. She went! That is HUGE progress. In the past she has refused, thrown a fit, toppled desks etc. There is a table outside the door (which has a window next to it) of her classroom. She says she hopped up to sit on the table and it clanked into the window. Her teacher assumed she had tossed it toward the window like she has tossed desks before and was sent to the office. She went without a fit!! They talked and she received ISS (in school suspension) for tomorrow.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am so thrilled. She handled herself appropriately. She did not throw a fit and complied with everything they asked of her. I explained to her that although I was not happy she was disrespectful and disruptive, but the way she handled herself this time was great. We talked about how she has reacted in the past, and I pointed out the differences this time in case she did not make the connection. We had a great talk. I did not want her to think that getting on Blue was not an issue, but I wanted to really commend her. I think I found a good balance.
She did NOT want to tell daddy. I told her that we would at dinner, that we do not have secrets. As soon as we got home she asked daddy to come sit down and she told him all by herself. (I had already told him so he would respond in a similar fashion as I did) She said she was sorry and that she knew that even though her stomach hurt, she had to obey. She said, "I will start over fresh tomorrow." It was sweet.
Progress. It's amazing.
Today she came back from school and told me that she was on blue. Blue is a referral to the office. Apparently she had been disrespectful all day. (She said her stomach hurt all day. That is not an excuse, simply a reason. This illness thing we have all had is hanging on for dear life. It took me at least a week for my stomach to stop hurting after I was done with the medication.) She was being disruptive in reading time and she was sent to the hallway. She went! That is HUGE progress. In the past she has refused, thrown a fit, toppled desks etc. There is a table outside the door (which has a window next to it) of her classroom. She says she hopped up to sit on the table and it clanked into the window. Her teacher assumed she had tossed it toward the window like she has tossed desks before and was sent to the office. She went without a fit!! They talked and she received ISS (in school suspension) for tomorrow.
I know it sounds ridiculous, but I am so thrilled. She handled herself appropriately. She did not throw a fit and complied with everything they asked of her. I explained to her that although I was not happy she was disrespectful and disruptive, but the way she handled herself this time was great. We talked about how she has reacted in the past, and I pointed out the differences this time in case she did not make the connection. We had a great talk. I did not want her to think that getting on Blue was not an issue, but I wanted to really commend her. I think I found a good balance.
She did NOT want to tell daddy. I told her that we would at dinner, that we do not have secrets. As soon as we got home she asked daddy to come sit down and she told him all by herself. (I had already told him so he would respond in a similar fashion as I did) She said she was sorry and that she knew that even though her stomach hurt, she had to obey. She said, "I will start over fresh tomorrow." It was sweet.
Progress. It's amazing.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
tact
I have a real issue with immediately digesting something someone has told me, comparing it to my own issues and judging them. It may pass through my head like "You have no idea how small and minute that is in comparison to other's issues." or "Seriously how dare you bitch about that when there are so many other things to worry about" or "How dare you complain about that, do you know what my life is like?".
I say "pass through my head" because thankfully those comments stay locked away in the ol' brain now. There was a time in my life when they flew out the mouth unhindered. I have always said I am the most tactless person ever. There was a time when I would tell it like I thought it was no matter who it hurt in the process or how it alienated myself. Basically I was a bitch.
While I still have that tendency I can keep it under wraps better than I ever did. Perhaps it's age, perhaps experience, or perhaps I was tired of people thinking I was awful. While I can control the impulse to spew it, I have yet to master the ability to not think it in the first place. It does make me bitter sometimes and it does tend to get me all irritated at people. I am not sure if I will ever learn to stop it, but I have learned to give myself a firm talking to when those nasty things pop into my head and explain that I may not know the whole story.
Sometimes my poor husband bears the brunt of the irritation and gets and earful. Those are the times when I cannot let it go. Thankfully he understands that this is a process and I am trying.
Here is an example: Let's say I have a friend who is a stay at home mom (with neuro-typical kids). She may post on facebook that she got the kids off to school and she is so tired and needs a nap, but she has laundry to do. She moans about her kids not being old enough to do their own laundry. My first thought would be "Wahhh, sorry you can't nap. Some of us who actually work a full day in PUBLIC work would love to lay on the couch and wait for the dryer to ding." See? RUDE. This is not a tru story, I am just trying to show the crap that immediately runs thorugh my head.
What is wrong with me? Do others do this, or am I just a bitch deep down? I don't want you to think I am beating myself up over this, I just wondered do you do this too? Or is it just me?
I say "pass through my head" because thankfully those comments stay locked away in the ol' brain now. There was a time in my life when they flew out the mouth unhindered. I have always said I am the most tactless person ever. There was a time when I would tell it like I thought it was no matter who it hurt in the process or how it alienated myself. Basically I was a bitch.
While I still have that tendency I can keep it under wraps better than I ever did. Perhaps it's age, perhaps experience, or perhaps I was tired of people thinking I was awful. While I can control the impulse to spew it, I have yet to master the ability to not think it in the first place. It does make me bitter sometimes and it does tend to get me all irritated at people. I am not sure if I will ever learn to stop it, but I have learned to give myself a firm talking to when those nasty things pop into my head and explain that I may not know the whole story.
Sometimes my poor husband bears the brunt of the irritation and gets and earful. Those are the times when I cannot let it go. Thankfully he understands that this is a process and I am trying.
Here is an example: Let's say I have a friend who is a stay at home mom (with neuro-typical kids). She may post on facebook that she got the kids off to school and she is so tired and needs a nap, but she has laundry to do. She moans about her kids not being old enough to do their own laundry. My first thought would be "Wahhh, sorry you can't nap. Some of us who actually work a full day in PUBLIC work would love to lay on the couch and wait for the dryer to ding." See? RUDE. This is not a tru story, I am just trying to show the crap that immediately runs thorugh my head.
What is wrong with me? Do others do this, or am I just a bitch deep down? I don't want you to think I am beating myself up over this, I just wondered do you do this too? Or is it just me?
Monday, February 28, 2011
mistakes
Mistakes. We all make them. I will admit one of my biggest character flaws. I am a screamer. It releases something inside me, like steam escaping a teapot. I try really hard to contain it, but I make many mistakes. I believe I has also told you that I am a thrower. I love to throw things when I am angry. I love to see things break. That I have mastered, I no longer throw things so there is hope.
The past few weeks we all have been really sick. It started with a round of strep, then a sinus infection ran through us. We have been dealing with upset stomachs due to antibiotics along with going through boxes and boxes of tissues for nose blowing. The coughing is unbearable and I even lost my voice. It has been a rough winter.
The stress has made me super on edge. I lose my cool much easier than normal. If I am getting ignored or if I have to ask a child something more than a couple times I lose it and HOLLER. I hate repeating myself so if I feel like I am not being listened to I lose it and I SCREAM. Trust me, after years of working with 40+ schoolagers in a big gym, I can raise my voice when I need to, so I am LOUD.
This weekend I noticed my daughter SCREAMING in this guttural tone. It was me. Totally me. I felt awful! I knew she was just doing what she learned. She was mostly screaming when her brother was bothering her. I also heard her say, "I just said that! I don't want to say it again." Woah.
It is those times that being a parent and making mistakes hit you square in the gut. I knew that I had impacted her in such a way to showed her that yelling like that was acceptable. Last night at bedtime I explained that I realized she was screaming more and that she sounded like me. We chatted and decided we would begin to remind each other that screaming is not acceptable. I told her we all make mistakes and we need each others help to do the right thing. I told her she wasn't correcting me, but helping me remember and I would do the same for her.
Let see if it helps us both.
The past few weeks we all have been really sick. It started with a round of strep, then a sinus infection ran through us. We have been dealing with upset stomachs due to antibiotics along with going through boxes and boxes of tissues for nose blowing. The coughing is unbearable and I even lost my voice. It has been a rough winter.
The stress has made me super on edge. I lose my cool much easier than normal. If I am getting ignored or if I have to ask a child something more than a couple times I lose it and HOLLER. I hate repeating myself so if I feel like I am not being listened to I lose it and I SCREAM. Trust me, after years of working with 40+ schoolagers in a big gym, I can raise my voice when I need to, so I am LOUD.
This weekend I noticed my daughter SCREAMING in this guttural tone. It was me. Totally me. I felt awful! I knew she was just doing what she learned. She was mostly screaming when her brother was bothering her. I also heard her say, "I just said that! I don't want to say it again." Woah.
It is those times that being a parent and making mistakes hit you square in the gut. I knew that I had impacted her in such a way to showed her that yelling like that was acceptable. Last night at bedtime I explained that I realized she was screaming more and that she sounded like me. We chatted and decided we would begin to remind each other that screaming is not acceptable. I told her we all make mistakes and we need each others help to do the right thing. I told her she wasn't correcting me, but helping me remember and I would do the same for her.
Let see if it helps us both.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
rough
I have hit a rough patch. The eldest has some services that he really enjoys that ended yesterday. He will no longer have that weekly one on one time out of the house with someone who kinda gets him who is not his parent. I foolishly thought it would be an ok transition, but boy was I wrong.
All hell has broken loose in the behavior department. He is foul. He is grouchy. He is angry and spiteful. He is refusing to following any sort of direction and instead just looks at us when we ask something of him. At the non compliance is quiet, right? That's something. I need to find something that is the bright side.
If I am honest with myself, I think it is a combination of things, the services being stopped, the ear infection, the weather and it's crazy mood swings and his birthday is upon us. Friday is also the full moon, so mix all that together and cook for 15 minutes and you have a recipe for disaster!
This is common. This is something we routinely do. The ups and the downs are a part of our existence. I am trying to understand how we as parents react and how it all reflects back to my OCD and anxiety.
Last night I got irritated with the constant bickering. I decided to just give up and go to bed. This in turn irritated my husband who was also at his limit in the bickering department. We snapped at each other. I snapped at the son, the dog was under my feet and I lost my cool. The husband yelled at me, then blamed the son for the irritability in the house, then I yelled at him for yelling at the son. He yelled at me for yelling at him for something I did first.
Ugliness.
It was over within about 10 minutes. A couple slammed doors and a glare or two thrown in for good measure. I may have even hollered my patented, "Grow the hell up" to the husband. It was not one of my banner moments.
We both realized how ridiculous it all was about 10 minutes later. We c lamed down, realized it was stress that pushed us over the edge and apologized to one another and the boy. We attempted to explain that this sometimes happens when people are constantly pushed to "the edge", but of course it won't make a difference the next time.
I understand he has issues with cause and effect. He has no concept of consequences, I am the grown up and I need to get over it. The progress I have made is that I can move on from this fairly easily. A while back, I would hold this tight. I would comfort it, I would blame myself and I would beat myself up over it. I am trying to learn to let it go. I figure if I can learn to let it go now, perhaps I can graduate to letting it go before it even gets to this point! I am trying to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. This is where I would spiral into self hatred and ugly thoughts of negative self worth because I lost my cool and made a mistake.
It is all a process. I am trying.
Today it is working. I must keep reminding myself that I am so easy to forgive others, I need to give myself that same forgiveness.
All hell has broken loose in the behavior department. He is foul. He is grouchy. He is angry and spiteful. He is refusing to following any sort of direction and instead just looks at us when we ask something of him. At the non compliance is quiet, right? That's something. I need to find something that is the bright side.
If I am honest with myself, I think it is a combination of things, the services being stopped, the ear infection, the weather and it's crazy mood swings and his birthday is upon us. Friday is also the full moon, so mix all that together and cook for 15 minutes and you have a recipe for disaster!
This is common. This is something we routinely do. The ups and the downs are a part of our existence. I am trying to understand how we as parents react and how it all reflects back to my OCD and anxiety.
Last night I got irritated with the constant bickering. I decided to just give up and go to bed. This in turn irritated my husband who was also at his limit in the bickering department. We snapped at each other. I snapped at the son, the dog was under my feet and I lost my cool. The husband yelled at me, then blamed the son for the irritability in the house, then I yelled at him for yelling at the son. He yelled at me for yelling at him for something I did first.
Ugliness.
It was over within about 10 minutes. A couple slammed doors and a glare or two thrown in for good measure. I may have even hollered my patented, "Grow the hell up" to the husband. It was not one of my banner moments.
We both realized how ridiculous it all was about 10 minutes later. We c lamed down, realized it was stress that pushed us over the edge and apologized to one another and the boy. We attempted to explain that this sometimes happens when people are constantly pushed to "the edge", but of course it won't make a difference the next time.
I understand he has issues with cause and effect. He has no concept of consequences, I am the grown up and I need to get over it. The progress I have made is that I can move on from this fairly easily. A while back, I would hold this tight. I would comfort it, I would blame myself and I would beat myself up over it. I am trying to learn to let it go. I figure if I can learn to let it go now, perhaps I can graduate to letting it go before it even gets to this point! I am trying to be kinder and more forgiving to myself. This is where I would spiral into self hatred and ugly thoughts of negative self worth because I lost my cool and made a mistake.
It is all a process. I am trying.
Today it is working. I must keep reminding myself that I am so easy to forgive others, I need to give myself that same forgiveness.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
obedience
I have lowered my expectations of obedience from the oldest years ago. I knew he would likely never be obedient. I know with the combination of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, moderate mentally handicapped and schizophrenia that we were going to have to have constant supervision. Why? He has the ability to harm himself or others by making foolish and impulsive choices. His mind is so consumed with what is happening and what he could be doing that is really doesn't leave much room for obedience.
What I am struggling with currently is that he really has no desire to please anyone. He does not WANT to do the right thing. As soon as he thinks your head is turned or you are emersed in something else he does something that is in direct opposition to obedience. It is foolish little things like blowing his nose in his hand when the tissues are right next to him or calling the dog when he knows he is not supposed to have him on his lap. He chooses to reach out his foot and purposefully trip his siblings right in front of us or blatantly lie about doing something we just saw with our own eyes. It becomes tiring. Tonight I told him to put down a pillow he was trying to hit the cat with and he looked directly into my eyes and tried to hit the cat with it as hard as he could all the while glaring at me. When I got up and went over to him he said, "What? I didn't do anything wrong."
He used to have some sort of willingness to WANT to do the right thing, but no longer. I hope this is a teenager/hormonal thing. It seems like it could be bordering on sociopathic to me and that scares me. I think the one thing that is holding him back is that he is able to show compassion and empathy and he truly likes to help, but this desire to please is lacking. I am hoping that it continues to be limited to us parents, and does not spread out into other aspects of his life.
What I am struggling with currently is that he really has no desire to please anyone. He does not WANT to do the right thing. As soon as he thinks your head is turned or you are emersed in something else he does something that is in direct opposition to obedience. It is foolish little things like blowing his nose in his hand when the tissues are right next to him or calling the dog when he knows he is not supposed to have him on his lap. He chooses to reach out his foot and purposefully trip his siblings right in front of us or blatantly lie about doing something we just saw with our own eyes. It becomes tiring. Tonight I told him to put down a pillow he was trying to hit the cat with and he looked directly into my eyes and tried to hit the cat with it as hard as he could all the while glaring at me. When I got up and went over to him he said, "What? I didn't do anything wrong."
He used to have some sort of willingness to WANT to do the right thing, but no longer. I hope this is a teenager/hormonal thing. It seems like it could be bordering on sociopathic to me and that scares me. I think the one thing that is holding him back is that he is able to show compassion and empathy and he truly likes to help, but this desire to please is lacking. I am hoping that it continues to be limited to us parents, and does not spread out into other aspects of his life.
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