My summer has been very busy. I have not had time to slip into anything other than bed at night. Keeping busy is a very good thing for my mental health.
My daughter has been struggling lately. The difficulty with transitions has been resurfacing. She has been having times of great rigidity in her thinking. She has began to count again. I call them "break through behaviors". These are behaviors that we once struggled greatly with and had seen leave with the addition of medication, but have sneaked back into her everyday reactions. Her separation anxiety has also amped up quite a bit. I called the psychiatrist before we left for vacation and he wanted to keep everything the same. At that point I was just seeing a greater likelihood for fits, but it has grown.
So I called the p-doc today and he wanted us to come in right away. I love this man. This is a man who you have to wait 3+ months for a new appointment and he sees my daughter the same day if she is having issues. He is kind and thoughtful. He is genuinely concerned about his patients and does such a good job with kids. We are very blessed.
He has increased her zoloft to 100 mg. We shall see if this helps. I have great hope that it will.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
checklist
I came to a realization this morning. This will either make total sense to you, my dear readers, or it will cement in your brain that I am crazy! I tried to explain this to my husband this afternoon, but he really couldn't wrap his head around it. I am learning more and more that my way of thinking effects my reactions to things, and expecting others to get it results in frustration on both ends because people simply don't think like me.
Here's the set up. My husband visited the doctor about 4 weeks weeks ago for the normal yearly checkup. He has to return in 2 months due to so medication monitoring. The doctor wants him to have some blood work done, anytime before the next appointment. It is fasting blood work.
In my head, I have added this to he mental checklist of things waiting to be done. I always feel like I have to categorize and catalog each thing that is waiting to be accomplished for everyone in the family. I see them as actual lists in my head. I am fine when the lists are manageable. Once they get longer and longer I start getting antsy. I also get antsy the longer items are on the list.
For the most part these lists are manageable for me.
I have been nagging my husband to get the blood work done as we are into the second month. Last Sunday he said he would get up and go Monday morning since my son also needed blood work. This way he could do both at the same time. Monday came and went and he forgot. I forgot until later in the day when he had already eaten. Last night I mentioned it again. He agreed that he should get it done and he would get up early this morning. This morning the alarm went off and he said he would rather go another time becasue he didn't get a good night's sleep and truthfully there is no rush.
Here's where I should've said OK. Because truthfully, who cares when he goes as long as he goes before the next appointment in 4 weeks. I can tell myself it really doesn't matter. My initial resonse is always amicable and I say, "Okay, whatever."
Within about 2 minutes that all changes. I tell him he really should just go. Then he gets irritated. I say that it is his choice. He then chooses not to go and do it later (becasue I gave him the choice). I cannot let it go and start talking about him following through and keeping his word. Blah Blah Blah.
The sane person in me tells me this is gonna cause an issue and I should just let it go, but the OCD gets ahold of me and I CANNOT do it. Today I tried to assess the situation differently and see if I could explain it to him (and myself) in a non-confrontational way that makes sense. It took me most of the day, and I let it go which is progress!
I just spoke to him on the phone and here's what I saw inside myself when I really took a look at what was happening. This running list in my head takes a lot of energy to maintain. It is like a television show that is always on in the background. I can somewhat ignore it but I have to keep it somewhat in the forefront so I don't forget what is on it for fear the job will get forgotten. (whoa, that is hard to explain) When he tells me he is going to get something done that is on the list, I get excited to be able to cross something off, but I can't cross it off until it is totally completed, so it has this anticipation factor now attached to it. When he "cancels" the completion it is a let down because I can no longer cross off that project/job.
That is when I get irritated. The frustration probably comes across more intense than what is called for since I have this built up anticipation. My head says it is not a big deal, but about 30 seconds later the OCD kicks in and I loose my shit because I cannot finish the crossing off process, it goes back on the list and the brain has to reengage that project.
Make sense? It is crystal clear to me! LOL I tried to explain it this way. I asked him if it made sense. He laughed and said, "No!" so I start to re-explain. He said, he understood what I was saying, but cannot wrap his mind around the reaction. I get that. I just want him to understand that the frustration truly isn't with him, it is with the inability for me to control my irritation. (there I am talking in circles again) I don't know how to change the reaction, but he said he understood why I need him to follow through with what he says he is going to do even if it doesn't make sense why. Progress!! One step for me, one step for him and meeting in the middle is a good thing.
Did any of that make sense?
Here's the set up. My husband visited the doctor about 4 weeks weeks ago for the normal yearly checkup. He has to return in 2 months due to so medication monitoring. The doctor wants him to have some blood work done, anytime before the next appointment. It is fasting blood work.
In my head, I have added this to he mental checklist of things waiting to be done. I always feel like I have to categorize and catalog each thing that is waiting to be accomplished for everyone in the family. I see them as actual lists in my head. I am fine when the lists are manageable. Once they get longer and longer I start getting antsy. I also get antsy the longer items are on the list.
For the most part these lists are manageable for me.
I have been nagging my husband to get the blood work done as we are into the second month. Last Sunday he said he would get up and go Monday morning since my son also needed blood work. This way he could do both at the same time. Monday came and went and he forgot. I forgot until later in the day when he had already eaten. Last night I mentioned it again. He agreed that he should get it done and he would get up early this morning. This morning the alarm went off and he said he would rather go another time becasue he didn't get a good night's sleep and truthfully there is no rush.
Here's where I should've said OK. Because truthfully, who cares when he goes as long as he goes before the next appointment in 4 weeks. I can tell myself it really doesn't matter. My initial resonse is always amicable and I say, "Okay, whatever."
Within about 2 minutes that all changes. I tell him he really should just go. Then he gets irritated. I say that it is his choice. He then chooses not to go and do it later (becasue I gave him the choice). I cannot let it go and start talking about him following through and keeping his word. Blah Blah Blah.
The sane person in me tells me this is gonna cause an issue and I should just let it go, but the OCD gets ahold of me and I CANNOT do it. Today I tried to assess the situation differently and see if I could explain it to him (and myself) in a non-confrontational way that makes sense. It took me most of the day, and I let it go which is progress!
I just spoke to him on the phone and here's what I saw inside myself when I really took a look at what was happening. This running list in my head takes a lot of energy to maintain. It is like a television show that is always on in the background. I can somewhat ignore it but I have to keep it somewhat in the forefront so I don't forget what is on it for fear the job will get forgotten. (whoa, that is hard to explain) When he tells me he is going to get something done that is on the list, I get excited to be able to cross something off, but I can't cross it off until it is totally completed, so it has this anticipation factor now attached to it. When he "cancels" the completion it is a let down because I can no longer cross off that project/job.
That is when I get irritated. The frustration probably comes across more intense than what is called for since I have this built up anticipation. My head says it is not a big deal, but about 30 seconds later the OCD kicks in and I loose my shit because I cannot finish the crossing off process, it goes back on the list and the brain has to reengage that project.
Make sense? It is crystal clear to me! LOL I tried to explain it this way. I asked him if it made sense. He laughed and said, "No!" so I start to re-explain. He said, he understood what I was saying, but cannot wrap his mind around the reaction. I get that. I just want him to understand that the frustration truly isn't with him, it is with the inability for me to control my irritation. (there I am talking in circles again) I don't know how to change the reaction, but he said he understood why I need him to follow through with what he says he is going to do even if it doesn't make sense why. Progress!! One step for me, one step for him and meeting in the middle is a good thing.
Did any of that make sense?
Monday, May 17, 2010
a new week
I am doing much better. The weather has improved and the kids are able to get outside more often and I am simply happier. The mom and I are doing well. She is so much like me and yet we are such different in our ways of handling situations. You can always tell when she is sorry about something. She rarely says so, but she tends to be kinder than usual for a time. If she snaps at me, she kisses my butt for an hour or so after. I don't know if she even realizes it, but that's how she handles it. She really is a wonderful woman. We simply process things so differently and it tends to muck things up. I suppose being aware of it is the first step in making sure it doesn't get me down.
The kids are doing well. My daughter is adjusting well to her meds. She is still remaining calm in situations that used to make her loose her cool. She is much more compliant and just plain enjoyable. It is nice to know that others are seeing the child that I always knew was hiding in there somewhere! I am still kind of concerned about her attachment to me. She is VERY strongly attached and must be near me or with me to feel comfortable. She is not shy, just wants to be near me. I do think this is improving as yesterday she had an opportunity to go on errands with me and she chose to stay home. She really wasn't absorbed in anything at the time so that is progress!
The younger son is doing well. He has some anger issues mostly directed at my special needs son. He is simply so freaking SMART and I think he gets irritated with people who don't "get it". We are really working on tolerance for him.
The special need son is doing well. He is really getting along well at school and home is improving steadily. His Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is kicking into high gear with the Spring weather and he is driving me bonkers about being outside every waking moment. Unfortunately he cannot be outside unsupervised and this causes a ruckus. The constant chatter he exhibits makes me want to pull my ears off and pout them in my pockets, but all in all we are having a good period!
Yay us.
The kids are doing well. My daughter is adjusting well to her meds. She is still remaining calm in situations that used to make her loose her cool. She is much more compliant and just plain enjoyable. It is nice to know that others are seeing the child that I always knew was hiding in there somewhere! I am still kind of concerned about her attachment to me. She is VERY strongly attached and must be near me or with me to feel comfortable. She is not shy, just wants to be near me. I do think this is improving as yesterday she had an opportunity to go on errands with me and she chose to stay home. She really wasn't absorbed in anything at the time so that is progress!
The younger son is doing well. He has some anger issues mostly directed at my special needs son. He is simply so freaking SMART and I think he gets irritated with people who don't "get it". We are really working on tolerance for him.
The special need son is doing well. He is really getting along well at school and home is improving steadily. His Fetal Alcohol Syndrome is kicking into high gear with the Spring weather and he is driving me bonkers about being outside every waking moment. Unfortunately he cannot be outside unsupervised and this causes a ruckus. The constant chatter he exhibits makes me want to pull my ears off and pout them in my pockets, but all in all we are having a good period!
Yay us.
Friday, April 30, 2010
eureka
I think I have figured something out. You see, I work closely with my mom. She is my boss. We have a good relationship, but it was not always so. She is OCD and it wasn't until I was diagnosed that she even realized she was too. She says she is "too old for medication". I laugh at that. She thinks she is too old to change her ways now. Secretly I think she likes her ways, and the thought of changing them gives her the creeps. I see now that our difficulties when I was growing up was due to the OCD combination between us.
Don't get me wrong, we didn't have that bad of a relationship as a youth. We just butted heads . . . a lot. I see things as a whole, so toothpaste in the sink and a few hairs in the sink don't bother me. I worry about the toilet lid down, the shower curtain closed and the light off. I see it as a whole as I am walking out. She frets over the tiny stuff. It CANNOT be left alone. It MUST be done. This kind of stuff drove her nuts when I lived at home.
Our working relationship has always been strained. She is the head honcho. I am basically her assistant. She frets that other will think she is favoring me so she overcompensates the other way. I get the brunt of all her frustration. I don't get any tact. She treats me like a daughter and not an employee. I suppose that is par for the course. I have accepted that and moved on. We do well together. Work gets done and things run very smoothly. I make up for the fact that she is a crock-pot and has to mull things over since I am definitely more of a microwave!
The change from a mother-daughter relationship to a friendship came with the birth of my children. I saw a whole other side of her and I think she gained more respect for me as well. I tease her that if she irritates me I will keep the grandbabies from her!
For the most part this works for us. It is the darker times that I have issues with her and she with me. This week is extremely stressful at work. She is overworked and relies on me heavily this week. Today she did something that I saw in a different light.
I was working on a project that had nothing to do with this week, but needed to be done. She called from her office and asked what I was doing. I answered. She said, "Do you have to do that now." I answered affirmatively and told her that a particular person needed it. She made a noise. It was a noise I recognized as not only curiosity but one of unbelievability. My hackles instantly raised. I knew what was coming. She questioned me again. I asked her if there was a problem. She said she wasn't sure if I was doing something necessary or not. This is typical as she thinks I sit around with my finger up my nose and thinks everyone assumes I get paid because I am her daughter and I do nothing.
Honestly it pissed me off. It nearly sent me over to the other side of the fence. I am a grown woman, with children. I have worked here for 2 decades and do a fine damn job. My reviews are always top notch and I am efficient and productive. Here she was questioning what I was doing as if I was a four year old hiding and eating cookies before dinner.
I began to see how my mom's issues and my issues combine and send me reeling. I began to think about adopted siblings and how their issues can trigger the others. I cannot help but wonder if this last episode was brought on not only by this week, but her and I's issues I knew would be coming, as well as the full moon. Yikes. The trifecta of ickiness!
Do you think I am sorting through these things differently since I am putting them on paper so to speak? If so this is wonderful therapy!
Don't get me wrong, we didn't have that bad of a relationship as a youth. We just butted heads . . . a lot. I see things as a whole, so toothpaste in the sink and a few hairs in the sink don't bother me. I worry about the toilet lid down, the shower curtain closed and the light off. I see it as a whole as I am walking out. She frets over the tiny stuff. It CANNOT be left alone. It MUST be done. This kind of stuff drove her nuts when I lived at home.
Our working relationship has always been strained. She is the head honcho. I am basically her assistant. She frets that other will think she is favoring me so she overcompensates the other way. I get the brunt of all her frustration. I don't get any tact. She treats me like a daughter and not an employee. I suppose that is par for the course. I have accepted that and moved on. We do well together. Work gets done and things run very smoothly. I make up for the fact that she is a crock-pot and has to mull things over since I am definitely more of a microwave!
The change from a mother-daughter relationship to a friendship came with the birth of my children. I saw a whole other side of her and I think she gained more respect for me as well. I tease her that if she irritates me I will keep the grandbabies from her!
For the most part this works for us. It is the darker times that I have issues with her and she with me. This week is extremely stressful at work. She is overworked and relies on me heavily this week. Today she did something that I saw in a different light.
I was working on a project that had nothing to do with this week, but needed to be done. She called from her office and asked what I was doing. I answered. She said, "Do you have to do that now." I answered affirmatively and told her that a particular person needed it. She made a noise. It was a noise I recognized as not only curiosity but one of unbelievability. My hackles instantly raised. I knew what was coming. She questioned me again. I asked her if there was a problem. She said she wasn't sure if I was doing something necessary or not. This is typical as she thinks I sit around with my finger up my nose and thinks everyone assumes I get paid because I am her daughter and I do nothing.
Honestly it pissed me off. It nearly sent me over to the other side of the fence. I am a grown woman, with children. I have worked here for 2 decades and do a fine damn job. My reviews are always top notch and I am efficient and productive. Here she was questioning what I was doing as if I was a four year old hiding and eating cookies before dinner.
I began to see how my mom's issues and my issues combine and send me reeling. I began to think about adopted siblings and how their issues can trigger the others. I cannot help but wonder if this last episode was brought on not only by this week, but her and I's issues I knew would be coming, as well as the full moon. Yikes. The trifecta of ickiness!
Do you think I am sorting through these things differently since I am putting them on paper so to speak? If so this is wonderful therapy!
spunky
Today I am feeling spunky. Thank God for spunky.
I am feeling more like myself. I know that I am teetering on the edge and I could find myself on the wrong side of the fence at any time, but for now, I feel good.
The weekend holds promise. I have yard work and some maintenance to do on the house. I love that work so because I can look back and see what has been done. I like to see things completed. I think it stirs my OCD and helps me check one more things off in my mind. I like to feel my muscles ache and feel the sun on my face as I do something beneficial for my family. It makes me feel needed.
My husband has been very kind these last few days. I am not sure if he reads here, I know that he knows it exists. Like most women I tend to share everything with him, and like most men he probably realized this dark period was coming long before I did. He is kindhearted and going through his own difficult time as he tries to break a cycle of insomnia. He has been understanding of my tones and harsh answers and really made an effort not to respond negatively.
My youngest son on the other hand is not happy with me. I didn't realize how much these times effect him until today. I know I am more "snappy" than usual, but I think these times make me more affectionate too as I try to hold my kids longer and show them more love. They make me feel better. The snappiness has hurt him this time as he is growing older and becoming more aware of situations around him. He said, "I wish I could've gone to school without seeing you this morning".
Wow. I asked him why and he said, "You are grouchy to us when you are in a hurry and I don't like it." I sat down to his eye level and took his hands in mine. I apologized. I told him adults make mistakes just like kids and I am not perfect. I told him that I was grouchy, but that was no excuse to make him feel badly. He said, "That's okay mommy, thanks for saying sorry" and hugged me.
It caused me to check my frustration. It caused me to take a look at how I was effecting others. It caused me to take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and smile at the new day.
So that's where I am. Making the most of each second, keeping my dear boy's words in my head. Right now I am on the right side of the fence.
Thank God for kids and their honesty.
P.S. Joe, thanks for the kind comment! Please share your blog when it is up and running. It is so nice to hear over and over that my feelings are not isolated! Thank you for your strength! (I read your wife's blog too!)
I am feeling more like myself. I know that I am teetering on the edge and I could find myself on the wrong side of the fence at any time, but for now, I feel good.
The weekend holds promise. I have yard work and some maintenance to do on the house. I love that work so because I can look back and see what has been done. I like to see things completed. I think it stirs my OCD and helps me check one more things off in my mind. I like to feel my muscles ache and feel the sun on my face as I do something beneficial for my family. It makes me feel needed.
My husband has been very kind these last few days. I am not sure if he reads here, I know that he knows it exists. Like most women I tend to share everything with him, and like most men he probably realized this dark period was coming long before I did. He is kindhearted and going through his own difficult time as he tries to break a cycle of insomnia. He has been understanding of my tones and harsh answers and really made an effort not to respond negatively.
My youngest son on the other hand is not happy with me. I didn't realize how much these times effect him until today. I know I am more "snappy" than usual, but I think these times make me more affectionate too as I try to hold my kids longer and show them more love. They make me feel better. The snappiness has hurt him this time as he is growing older and becoming more aware of situations around him. He said, "I wish I could've gone to school without seeing you this morning".
Wow. I asked him why and he said, "You are grouchy to us when you are in a hurry and I don't like it." I sat down to his eye level and took his hands in mine. I apologized. I told him adults make mistakes just like kids and I am not perfect. I told him that I was grouchy, but that was no excuse to make him feel badly. He said, "That's okay mommy, thanks for saying sorry" and hugged me.
It caused me to check my frustration. It caused me to take a look at how I was effecting others. It caused me to take a deep breath, put my big girl panties on, and smile at the new day.
So that's where I am. Making the most of each second, keeping my dear boy's words in my head. Right now I am on the right side of the fence.
Thank God for kids and their honesty.
P.S. Joe, thanks for the kind comment! Please share your blog when it is up and running. It is so nice to hear over and over that my feelings are not isolated! Thank you for your strength! (I read your wife's blog too!)
Thursday, April 29, 2010
tears
I feel like I am whining. However, yesterday I received a comment from Kari that thanked me for helping her understand what it is like living with mental illness. So, perhaps my goal of not only helping myself vent but also touching others who may feel the same or know those who do, is working. So I shall continue.
Last night at home was pretty uneventful. The previous evening I had argued with my spouse and I had done so in front of the kids, which I hate. We don't yell and scream, but it was obvious we were not happy. My husband and I have come a long way. I like to yell, curse and I throw things. I love to throw things! I like to see them break. I no longer do those things, partially due to medication, but mostly because of the children. Sometimes I think it has to do with age and a resignation of sorts that I don't have all the answers, and the less we argue, the less I have to feel badly about. I takes more energy to rehash things than to just stuff them inside and deal with them once the emotions have taken a back seat. And it usually much more efficient too.
Today the tears have come. I have cried three times at work today. I hate being wrong, and worse yet, I hate being right and being told I am wrong. The feelings of inadequacy and being a failure rear their ugly heads. I don't like to make waves during these times. My natural personality is one of deep determination. I am quick to make decisions and quick to find an efficient way to get things done. I am an organizer, I like seeing things fall into place. Once I get my mind set on something there is nothing that will stop me. I can be brutally harsh and have dogged determination when I know there is an injustice that needs righted. I can be a real bitch and it tends to get things done! When I am in the place I am currently, I have none of that.
I fall back into a meek childlike state. I worry that everyone is against me. I hate being corrected and feel like an utter failure that someone had to take time out to fix something I have done. I apologize to everyone. I feel like everyone is scouring each and every thing that I do. I then get irritated with my self which helps to compound the failure feelings. I can see as I type this how it feels like a never ending spiral and why.
That is where the crying begins. I tear up over everything. I get corrected, I tear up. Someone asks a simple question and I assume they are criticizing and I tear up. I think about all the rotten things I am going through and I tear up. I get pissed at myself because I KNOW this is not my typical personality and it causes me to tear up. The pity feelings start and it is all over.
I think this is where the suicidal thoughts come in. After days of this thinking and crying over every. little. thing I get so defeated and just plain tired of feeling like this. This does not happen every time. Sometimes I can pull myself out of this way of thinking. Sometimes a kind word from a coworker or a compliment by someone who is completely unaware of the situation will pull me right out. Sometimes it is my children and their love for me that does it. Sometimes it lasts a little longer and I fall into despair that takes a long while to crawl out of.
This time I will not let it go there. This time I am trying to think through my feelings. I am trying to take a look at my motives and my failings. This time I will win. This time I will get myself back faster and better than before.
This blog will help.
Thanks for listening.
Last night at home was pretty uneventful. The previous evening I had argued with my spouse and I had done so in front of the kids, which I hate. We don't yell and scream, but it was obvious we were not happy. My husband and I have come a long way. I like to yell, curse and I throw things. I love to throw things! I like to see them break. I no longer do those things, partially due to medication, but mostly because of the children. Sometimes I think it has to do with age and a resignation of sorts that I don't have all the answers, and the less we argue, the less I have to feel badly about. I takes more energy to rehash things than to just stuff them inside and deal with them once the emotions have taken a back seat. And it usually much more efficient too.
Today the tears have come. I have cried three times at work today. I hate being wrong, and worse yet, I hate being right and being told I am wrong. The feelings of inadequacy and being a failure rear their ugly heads. I don't like to make waves during these times. My natural personality is one of deep determination. I am quick to make decisions and quick to find an efficient way to get things done. I am an organizer, I like seeing things fall into place. Once I get my mind set on something there is nothing that will stop me. I can be brutally harsh and have dogged determination when I know there is an injustice that needs righted. I can be a real bitch and it tends to get things done! When I am in the place I am currently, I have none of that.
I fall back into a meek childlike state. I worry that everyone is against me. I hate being corrected and feel like an utter failure that someone had to take time out to fix something I have done. I apologize to everyone. I feel like everyone is scouring each and every thing that I do. I then get irritated with my self which helps to compound the failure feelings. I can see as I type this how it feels like a never ending spiral and why.
That is where the crying begins. I tear up over everything. I get corrected, I tear up. Someone asks a simple question and I assume they are criticizing and I tear up. I think about all the rotten things I am going through and I tear up. I get pissed at myself because I KNOW this is not my typical personality and it causes me to tear up. The pity feelings start and it is all over.
I think this is where the suicidal thoughts come in. After days of this thinking and crying over every. little. thing I get so defeated and just plain tired of feeling like this. This does not happen every time. Sometimes I can pull myself out of this way of thinking. Sometimes a kind word from a coworker or a compliment by someone who is completely unaware of the situation will pull me right out. Sometimes it is my children and their love for me that does it. Sometimes it lasts a little longer and I fall into despair that takes a long while to crawl out of.
This time I will not let it go there. This time I am trying to think through my feelings. I am trying to take a look at my motives and my failings. This time I will win. This time I will get myself back faster and better than before.
This blog will help.
Thanks for listening.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
valley
Perhaps I spoke too soon. Yesterday was not a good day. I get in these places where I feel that everyone is at war with me. I feel as though I am under attack, that each and very gaze from someone is pointed and harsh. I know deep down it is my own issue, but how to combat this eludes me.
I am tired. I am not sleeping well and I should've known something was coming. I am wondering if the full moon has anything to do with this downward spiral I seem to be in, or if it is just coincidence.
It is during these times that I take everything to heart. Any kind of comment is dissected and sorted and made to be something it is not. I feel inadequate and therefore become defensive. If someone comments that I should be careful, I am taken aback that they do not trust me. If someone offers common sense advice I feel as though they think I am too stupid to understand it without their prodding. If someone walks by me without speaking, I feel as though they are being rude and I have done something wrong.
My mood and the way I see things alters my conversations. I get a sharp point about my voice. I answer quick and harsh. I tend to avoid eye contact. My smiles are forced and closed-lipped. I seen irritated and frustrated. People ask me if I am feeling well. They say I look tired.
It is during these times that I feel like I am a failure. I feel like I am unable to make those around me happy when it is truly myself that I am unable to make happy. I am weepy and feel flush. I hate my reflection. I feel frumpy and flustered.
It is days like today that I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to shut down my "real" blog and never write again. I want to drown my sorrows in Tequila and peanut butter cookies. It is times such as this when I want to scream at my husband to just leave me and never come back. I feel unlovable and woefully inadequate. I feel like there is too much to da and not enough hours in the day.
Writing this has made my hands shake and my brow hot. My vision is swirly and I feel dizzy. My heart hurts in my tight chest. My breathing is a little choppy. I can see all this for what it is. I can understand it is not good. I can see where I want to be. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. Not right now. It is times like this that I pop an extra med at night, whether it helps or not, it makes me think it does.
I will be okay. I have been here many times before. It is interesting to me that I am realizing it for what it is much sooner than I have before. I am able to process it and think through it far easier since it is still in it's infancy. Maybe I can reason my way out of it before I hit bottom and bounce back to the top.
I'll keep you posted.
I am tired. I am not sleeping well and I should've known something was coming. I am wondering if the full moon has anything to do with this downward spiral I seem to be in, or if it is just coincidence.
It is during these times that I take everything to heart. Any kind of comment is dissected and sorted and made to be something it is not. I feel inadequate and therefore become defensive. If someone comments that I should be careful, I am taken aback that they do not trust me. If someone offers common sense advice I feel as though they think I am too stupid to understand it without their prodding. If someone walks by me without speaking, I feel as though they are being rude and I have done something wrong.
My mood and the way I see things alters my conversations. I get a sharp point about my voice. I answer quick and harsh. I tend to avoid eye contact. My smiles are forced and closed-lipped. I seen irritated and frustrated. People ask me if I am feeling well. They say I look tired.
It is during these times that I feel like I am a failure. I feel like I am unable to make those around me happy when it is truly myself that I am unable to make happy. I am weepy and feel flush. I hate my reflection. I feel frumpy and flustered.
It is days like today that I want to crawl into bed and never come out. I want to shut down my "real" blog and never write again. I want to drown my sorrows in Tequila and peanut butter cookies. It is times such as this when I want to scream at my husband to just leave me and never come back. I feel unlovable and woefully inadequate. I feel like there is too much to da and not enough hours in the day.
Writing this has made my hands shake and my brow hot. My vision is swirly and I feel dizzy. My heart hurts in my tight chest. My breathing is a little choppy. I can see all this for what it is. I can understand it is not good. I can see where I want to be. The problem is, I don't know how to get there. Not right now. It is times like this that I pop an extra med at night, whether it helps or not, it makes me think it does.
I will be okay. I have been here many times before. It is interesting to me that I am realizing it for what it is much sooner than I have before. I am able to process it and think through it far easier since it is still in it's infancy. Maybe I can reason my way out of it before I hit bottom and bounce back to the top.
I'll keep you posted.
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