Thursday, March 18, 2010


My daughter is doing fabulously on her meds. She is patient and kind. The meds are doing a good job of keeping the rage and fits at bay. In fact, I am not sure that she has even argued with us in the time she has been taking them. The best part is that is really isn't altering her personality either. She is still the funny, witty, snarky kid she always has been, just calmer and definitely more pleasant. The school days have been wonderful. She has stayed on green on her behavior chart the last 4 days. Here's to crossing our fingers that it keeps working.

The only thing I can really complain about is her sleeping schedule changing. She tends to fall asleep by 7:00 nightly which is great, but she wakes up by 5:00 am most mornings. But a pleasant child is way better to deal with a 5:00 than a grouchy one at 8:00. So a plus in my book!

Monday, March 8, 2010


The psychiatrist was awesome with my daughter. I had never seen him with smaller children and he was a much softer, kinder man. He listened carefully to what I said and asked some thought provoking questions. He spent a very long time with us.

He is concerned about the OCD. He definitely agrees that she has quite extensive OCD and maybe even some attention issues. He is not ready to address the attention issues right away which I am totally okay with. He is however concerned about her mood swings and her tendency to rage (I think fit is more appropriate because I don't see them based in anger). He put her back on the Zoloft and added Risperdal. I freaked out about the Risperdal. It actually took my breathe away. I breathed and quietly asked the dosage. Knowing me as he does, he looked at me and said, "Now Sojo, I am not going to overmedicate a little girl. You must trust me." And with his wonderful accent and his warm eyes I knew I could trust this man with my daughter.

He did tell me that this will be a difficult case and may not find a quick and easy fix. I knew that. I just pray that the school hangs out with us. I have not been called since starting the new medications, but she has apparently not been stellar. (See there's that defeatist thinking of mine, I cannot just be happy that I have not been called and consider it progress and be happy, I have to have it all settled and perfection. Recognizing it is the first step to changing it right?) The case manager at the school was a little snippy with me today on the phone, but I think that may just be my own issues playing into her abrupt nature. She did say she was speaking with the school psychologist about what they can do to structure her day better so I suppose that is a good start. ( Here again is where I freak out that they will be discussing her and what to do and I cannot be there. Instead of looking at it like a positive thing that they are brainstorming I have to mourn the fact that it even needs to be happening. This is how my mind works folks. It's like a constant battle with myself)

At home. We have seen massive progress. She has had little fits, that she recovers quickly from. She is handling dissappointment well. Bedtimes are a breeze with the addition of Melatonin. She knows the medications are helping her "do the right thing" and she is pleased she is doing well. We spent most of the night Friday and part of Saturday shopping with my mother and she was awesome! If we could get school under our finger we would be all set! (once again, can't accept one positive without thinking of a negative)

So, why am I feeling the way I am tonight? I feel trapped. My stomach is tense for no apparent reason. I feel stressed. I have been so productive for the last few weeks and now I feel like a blob. I have no motivation. I feel like I am freaking out about something but I can't remember what it is. Strange. Maybe I am just dealing with a culmination of all this stress. I am tired but I don't want to go to bed. It is almost as though I am looking for something to ruminate over. It is like I am looking for closure or something. I am paging through things in my head thinking about if they warrant worry or not. I pray this passes. I really don't want to spend my week like this.

Come on spring. I need to see your cheery face.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010


I am scared. I have not posted much about lately, the business of life you know. But, recall when my daughter was diagnosed with OCD and I was very happy that the medication seemed to be working? Well, it was not. I take that back. It was amazing at home. She was calm and pleasant and peaceful. School was another story. She carried on like a banshee. It was as though a witch flipped and all the negative behaviors that we used to see at home changed to school.

The teacher was convinced it was the medication. I was afraid that we began a new pattern of behavior. She was running around the room, throwing herself on the floor, refusing to do what was asked of her, hiding, screaming, telling adults "No!", you know, acting like a maniac. I was actually called several times and had to even go get her once.

Initially the pediatrician agree to cut the dosage in half. No change. We then started giving the pill at night when I take mine. No change. I gave up and took her off it about 3 weeks ago. Her crazy-making behaviors started up again at home after about 3 days. She is obsessively counting again, and her anxiety shot through the roof. The fits. Lord have mercy, the fits. If anything is perceived as injustice, or if something does not go as she has imagined, all bets are off. Last night she wallowed on the floor of a local buffet because they did not have peeled shrimp. She also ran from me and hide in a booth because it was time to go home. When she runs she gets this kind of crazed look on her face and laughs maniacally. It is sort of frightening. We are managing. The school behavior is still not very good. She is sent to the office for time outs, but she is not very cooperative. They are working with me, knowing and appointment is coming soon.

I had an intake appointment with my son's psychiatrist for myself today. I decided two weeks ago to give the appointment to her. I am slightly sad about that, as I have waited nearly 4 months for the appointment, but I am doing better and she is in dire need right now.

Last week I was at the school for the afternoon observing and I noticed that the room is terribly disorganized. The kids do not have a coat closet so their coats hang on the back of their chairs. There was coats all over the floor. The teachers stuff was everywhere and you had to step over coats or piles to get from one place to another. I know this throws my OCD for a loop. I am wondering if this has an effect on her as well. I also have concerns that the teacher has missed TONS of time lately. She either has a full day sub or severlal half day subs each week. I love the teacher, but wonder if this is the culprit behind the fits. She needs routine, and if she has random teachers throughout the week this could be a problem.

So, the appointment is today and I am afraid. I am afraid that the doctor will say she is fine and it is our parenting that needs help. I know that my family has a background of OCD so I hope this comes into play. I hope he agrees with this diagnosis. I hope he has a plan for treating this whether it be meds or not. I just need a plan. My OCD figures into this because I want to fix it and can't. I am also afraid that he will think it could be something else along the lines of a personality disorder and wants to put her on some mood altering drug. I am not sure how I feel about that because of her age, but I want her to have the best possible chance at peace.

On a brighter note, I have started her on Melatonin at night for sleeping and it is a God send! It works fabulously. I just put her on Omega 3 hoping that it will provide a bit of peace and calm to her demeanor. If it doesn't work for that, at least I know it is "feeding her brain" and it is something that is good for lifelong health. I am also beginning to utilize strong sitting more often, I just need to remember to do it. I want to make it a bonding time and do it with her face to face.

I do trust this doctor and I hope I can simply make it through today and get this next step over with. Maybe I need to take a time out and do some strong sitting!